And I’m a guitar
I only had him 3 hours and he made a bolt for the door.
When will I get adult super vision?
Our relationship wasn't just "working out"
“I will disappear on the count of three! Uno…dos…” And he disappeared without a tres.
I guess I'm a faux pas.
I mean I have daily sex I mean I have dyslexia
They come in hot and wet and leave with THE LAWN CHAIRS WE BOUGHT TOGETHER SARAH YOU BITCH
So I threw him out. I hate having visitors.
LMAO IM AT MY SCHOOL TALENT SHOW AND DUDE SAYS “Before I begin, I want to make sure this mic is working”
“If your name is Michael, please stand up” Then a couple dudes stand up And he goes “That concludes the mike check” stolen from twitter @ cheyrubi
She’s a mathemachicken
It's almost up to 5 TB.
Kicked out of Sea World
I really needed that votive confidence.
Well, it’s finely chopped bits of cabbage and carrots
Because dawn is tough on Greece
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"Are you fucking serious?!" asks Ron. "Yeah…that too," says Harry.
Hermione: Emma Watson?
Now it’s just some bunny I used to know.
He hates it when I say his name backwards
In a nutshell, it's an oak tree.
On the bus today, I tapped the woman in front of me on the shoulder, and said, "Excuse me, but there's some semen on your sweater." She said, "Oh, it's probably just yogurt…" I replied, "Maybe, but I'm pretty sure I don't ejaculate yogurt."
I said, “I don’t notice a vas deferens.”
In 2015 we ate over 74 million bananas and only 6 monkeys.
I asked my 18 brothers and sisters and they don't know either.
Crack open a boy with the cold ones.
He said it was on the house
😀 Because it puts a D right next to a colon.
The year is 2192. The British Prime Minister visits Brussels to ask for an extension of the Brexit deadline.
No one remembers where this tradition originated, but every year it attracts many tourists from all over the world.
You should've seen his reaction…
Because all of the fans left.
He should see my new mouse pad.
Outlaws are Wanted…
He walks into the office and says " I wanna suh, suh, sell buh, buh, buh, bibles ! " The office manager, holding back a laugh, replies "sure thing, just take this here box and go door-to-door until they are gone. Then come back for more." The office manager is amazed when the man comes back the next day and says "I nuh, nuh, nuh, need muh, muh, more buh, buh, buh, buh, bibles ! " The office manager is dumbstruck but agrees to give the man another box, with one condition. "You have to tell me how you did it. "He says. "Well I just nah, nah, nock on the duh, duh, duh, door and say, I'm suh, suh, suh, selling buh, buh, buh, bibles. Wuh, wuh, wuh, would you like to buh, buh, buh, buy one or should I reh, reh, reh, READ IT TO YOU? "