And nobody knows how to do it till this day
When single ladies get to the age of 50, they tend to get lots of cats.
This phenomenon is known as many paws
2 cowboys in a field
One turns to the other and says “you take all those cows over there and round them up into one big group” The other says “what?” The first cowboy says “you herd”
What did 2 say to 3 when they saw 6 acting like an idiot?
'Don't mind him, he's just a product of our times.'
I finished writing my tortilla joke
That's a wrap
My wife called me on the phone, breathless, and said, “Where are you?” I said, “I’m at the pub.”
She said, “I think the baby is coming” Me: I don’t think he can get in. He will be underage.
My wife asked me “what starts with f and ends with k”
I said "No, it doesn't".
Job Interview: “What is your greatest weakness”
"Honesty" "I don't think honesty is a weakness." "I don't give a fuck what you think."
“Judge, I’m here to dispute 60% of my tickets!”
Judge: Repeat infractions? Man: Fine. I’m here to dispute 3/5 of my tickets.
I found out how vaccines cause autism,
Vaccinated kids live long enough to be diagnosed with autism.
What do you call an anteater that eats ants?
An ant eater anteater. What would you call someone against the previously mentioned anteater? An anti ant eater anteater. What would you call someone who eats the previous person? An anti ant eater anteater eater. What if that person is your parents sister? Auntie anti ant eater anteater eater. And if a play is made about all of this? Auntie anti ant eater anteater eater theater. And finally, who is the director of this play? The Auntie anti ant eater anteater eater theater leader.
A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o’clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door, where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. “Not a chance!” says the husband. “It’s three o’clock in the morning!”
He slams the door and returns to bed. "Who was that?" asked his wife. "Just some drunk guy asking for a push." he answers. "Did you help him?" she asks. "No, I did not! It's three in the morning and it's pouring out!" "Well, you have a short memory." says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him and you should be ashamed of yourself!" The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?" "Yes." comes back the answer. "Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband. "Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark. "Where are you?" asks the husband. "Over here, on the swing."
“Son, what’re you drinking” “Soy milk”
"Hola milk, soy es tu padre!"
TIL I learned to Never buy shoes from a drug dealer
I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day
I saw my wife, slightly drunk, yelling at the TV: “Don’t go in there! Don’t go in the church, you moron!”
She is watching our wedding video again.
1,2,3,4 and 5 are sitting in class, why did 3 get kicked out?
He was being mean
My wife turned and looked at me screaming, “Did you hear what I just said?!”
Seriously! Who starts a conversation like that?
My 6 year old made this up while taking his bath…
Knock knock Who's there? Dwayne Dwayne who? Dwayne the tub before I dwown.
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation to the local swimming pool.
I gave him a glass of water.
To the guy who stole my antidepressants…
I hope you're happy!
Knock Knock
Who’s there? Daisy. Daisy who? Daisy me rollin’ they hatin’
I just got kicked out of Karaoke night for singing “Danger Zone” six times in a row…
They said I exceeded my maximum number of Loggins attempts…
Why didn’t the angry customer want to hear what the employee had to say?
She wasn't Karen about any opinion but her own.
When is a car no longer a car?
When it turns into a driveway.
Some things go without saying:
No text found
I just quit my job at the helium factory…
I won't be spoken to in that tone!
How does a computer science major pick up girls?
Oh shit thought this was google
I asked my wife what she wanted for Valentine’s Day and she told me she wanted a divorce.
I told her I wasn't planning on spending that much.
Dad jokes?
Well of course Dad jokes! Dad is hilarious!
“I don’t believe it. My son was invited to a sex party.”
"By?" "No, he's straight from what I know."
What’s a good name for a detective?
Mr. E My 9 year old daughter came up with this, so please be kind!
[OC] Why did the man have a whirring noise in his ears?
Because he was genetically engine-eared.