And nobody knows how to do it till this day
An old joke I heard from a friend of mine..
Once there was a millionaire who had a collection of live alligators. He kept them in a pool at the back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single. One day, he decides to throw a huge party. During the party he announces, "My dear guests, I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars or my daughter to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!" As soon as he finishes his last word, there is the sound of a large splash. The guests all turn to see a man in the pool swimming as fast as he can. They cheer him on as he keeps stroking. Finally, the swimming man makes it to the other side unharmed. The millionaire is so impressed, he says, "My boy, that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well, I must keep my end of the bargain. Which do you want, my daughter or the one million dollars?" The man says, "Listen, I don't want your money. I don't want your daughter, either. I wanna get my hands on the fuckwad that pushed me in that water!"
There has been an outbreak of mad cow disease in Austria.
The hills are alive with the sound of moo sick
You know, my hen counts her own eggs…
Sheâs a mathemachicken
My mate broke his leg so I went to see him at home.
âHow are you mate?â âYeah Iâm okay. But do me a favour mate. Go fetch my slippers from upstairs. My feet are freezing.â I went upstairs and found his two gorgeous 21 year old twin daughters lying naked on the bed. I said âYour dadâs sent me up here to have sex with both of you. They respond âGet away with ya… Prove it.â I shouted downstairs âHey, mate! Both of them?â He shouted back âOf course both of them! Whatâs the point in fucking one?â
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, "Well, tell him he's bloody good – I ain't got any kids!"
Why did the pig cross the road?
Because the chicken told him to teargas protestors for a photo-op
My friend in Germany says that there has been panic buying of sausages and cheese . . .
It's the Wurst KĂ€se scenario Credit: Twitter, Bruce Lawson (@brucel)
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Kidnapper : [On phone] we have your son.
Kidnapper : [On phone] we have your son. Wife : Actually, I'm holding my son. Kidnapper : [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&Js?! Wife : oh god. Kidnapper : what? Wife : you have my husband.
Wanna feel old?
Wait
I used to be addicted to Thanksgiving leftovers
But then I quit cold turkey
What does the word ‘gay’ mean?
asked a son to his father. "It means 'happy,'" replied the father. "Oh," contested the son, "so are you gay, then?" "No, son, I have a wife."
Humans can atmost grow upto 8 feet
But usually most of them have 2
Iâm bisexual
If i canât get sex, I bi it
An on-duty police officer is staking out a particularly popular bar right before closing time hoping to catch anyone trying to drink & drive
As the patrons start exiting the bar at closing time, he sees one guy who seems particularly drunk. The cop watches intently as this guy stumbles off the curb, trips over his own feet and tries his car keys on 4 different cars before ultimately finding his own. Once he finally finds his car and gets in, the man spends another couple minutes fumbling around with his keys in the front seat before finally getting the car started. At this point, all the other patrons have already left the bar and drove off. The cop, waiting for the guy to pull out of the parking lot, pulls him over right afterward. Since heâs seen enough already, the cop makes the guy take a breathalyzer right off. The guy obliges, takes the breathalyzer test and looks on at an incredulous cop now looking at a result of 0.0. Astounded, the cop demands to know how thatâs possible after what heâs just seen. âOh that,â the man says. âWell, tonightâs my night to be the Designated Decoy.â
Before criticizing someone, walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you criticize them, you are a mile away and have their shoes.
What is round and angry?
A vicious circle.
The guy who stole my diary just died…
My thoughts are with his family!
Told this Chemistry joke before on here…
… But I got a very bad reaction
During this pandemic I’m buying lots of stocks.
Beef stock, chicken stock, fish stock. Soon I'm going to be a bouillon-ere!
“Forget everything you learned in college. You won’t need it working here.”
"But I never went to college." "Well then, I'm sorry. You are underqualified to work here."
I wondered why the Frisbee was getting bigger.
Then it hit me
Emojis, millennials, stick shift, and cursive? Check, check, check and check.
https://ift.tt/2wQ2VWA
If all people were like Redditors, we would have a better planet
Because Recycling old shit is what Redditors do best . P.S.A – Do recycle â»
During a parole hearing.
Officer: Tell me, why should you be released early? Prisoner: It's bec… Officer: Yes? Prisoner: I think i have… Officer: Go on. Prisoner: Can i please finish my sentence! Officer: Sure, Parole denied.
So we all know that 6 is afraid of 7 because 7 ate 9, but why did 7 eat 9?
Because you're supposed to have 3 squared meals a day
A man in the bar offers to bet anyone $100 that his dog can talk.
At first everyone is dubious, but after the man clarifies he means complete grammatically correct sentences, and they make sure there are no hidden devices on the dog, several bets are made. The man: Well, Charley? Charley lifts his paw. The man: Charley, come on, say something. Charley barks once. The man: Charley, what is it, now? Say something in English. Charley clearly doesn't understand what the man wants from him and is getting visibly nervous. Finally the man has to give up, pays the lost money, and leaves with Charley. After walking a few blocks in the rain the man asks sadly: "Why did you do that?" "Just imagine how much we're going to win there tomorrow."
My friend once told me centrifugal force doesn’t exist.
He was clearly out of the loop.
Why did Earth Day not affect /r/jokes?
Because everything is already 100% recycled.
A husband notices his wifeâs hearing is deteriorating and decides to visit her doctor for advice.
âI canât speak to my wife directly as she might find it offensive, given our old ageâ he says to the doc. âThereâs a simple trick you can try to determine her hearingâ explains the doctor. âSimply ask her a question at a distance and if she doesnât hear you, move slightly closer and ask again until she doesâ. That night, the husband arrives home and sees his wife in the kitchen cooking. He thinks to himself, âwhat a perfect opportunity to test her hearingâ. He stands in the doorway of the kitchen and promptly asks; âWhatâs for dinner honey?â No answer. He moves closer. âWhatâs for dinner honey?â Still no answer. He moves even closer. âWhatâs for dinner honey?â Still his wife doesnât answer. He now sees how serious her hearing problem is. At this point, he is stood right next to his wife. âWhatâs for dinner honey?â âFOR THE FOURTH FUCKING TIME WEâRE HAVING CHICKENâ
Why are ghosts bad liars?
Because you can see right through them!
When Mozart was alive, he was composing. Now that he’s dead,
He's decomposing
A man buys a lie detecting robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it at dinner one night. He asks his son what he did that afternoon. Son: "I did some homework." The robot slaps the son. Son: "Ok, ok. I was at a friend's house watching a movie." Dad: "What movie did you watch?" Son: "Toy Story." The robot slaps the son. Son: "Ok, ok, we were watching porn." Dad: "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was." The robot slaps the father. Mom: "Well, at least this isn't a repost." The robot slaps the mother.