And none was learned
The U.S. Army is full of crybabies
That’s why we also call them the Infantry.
A guy in work asked why my son had given up his flying lessons.
I told him pilot jobs aren't really taking off at the moment.
A man takes his seat at the Superbowl. He looks over and notices there’s an extra seat in between himself and the next guy.
The man says, "Who would ever miss the Superbowl?” The guy replies, "Well that was my wife’s seat. We have been to the last five Superbowls together, but sadly she passed away.” The man says back, "That’s terrible, but couldn’t you get another close family member to come with you?” The guy says, "No. They're all at the funeral."
My sister bet me $15 that I couldn’t build a car out of spaghetti
You should have seen the look on her face as I drove pasta
I went out with my girlfriend to a fancy restaurant last night and after we’d eaten she kept insisting on paying for the meal.
I said, "Don't be stupid, we're half way down the road now. Just keep running!!'
I love to tell dad jokes
Sometimes he even laughs
At dinner, my parents told me that they always thought about having another child.
I said, “I would have loved to have a brother or a sister.” They said, “That’s not what we meant.”
I invented a new word
Plagiarism
Perhaps this is the reason Moscow Mitch can’t agree on impeachment trial terms with Trump
https://ift.tt/35yTXJc
Did you know diarrhea is hereditary?
It runs in the jeans.
4, 6 and 8 and 9 have all been murdered…
2, 3, 5, and 7 are the prime suspects.
Australians don’t have sex
Australians mate
The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her glue stick.
She still isn't talking to me.
Mountains aren’t just funny…
They’re hill areas.
What concert cost only 45 cents?
50 cent ft. Nickelback
The more suicidal people there are
The less suicidal people there are
Thank you student loans for getting me through college.
I don’t think I’ll ever be able to repay you.
When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me $285…
That's why, in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.
You: Bastard
Me: You just did You: I'm not going to do that Me: This joke only makes sense if you read it backwards
Why do gay people laugh at everything?
Because they cant keep a straight face
What kind of bagel can fly?
A plain bagel.
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
You look for the fresh prints.
Made this a bit ago during a chem lab. Thought you guys would appreciate it :D
https://ift.tt/2AwRSmp
I was captured by ISIS after Iran away
Now all I’m China do is to survive
A young adventurer guy is trekking through the deepest, darkest amazon jungle
When out of nowhere, he suddenly finds himself surrounded by 30 of the most fierce-looking tribesmen, all with long spears, bows and arrows, as what looks like the chief walks right up to him. The guy looks at his situation…and he cries out, "Oh god I'm so fucked!" Just then, the clouds above opened, and a bright light shined down upon him..and he heard a great, thunderous, but calm voice, and he said, "No, my son..you are NOT fucked. Pick up the large rock at your feet, and strike the man in front of you with all your might". The young man doesn't hesitate. He reaches down, picks up the rock, draws back and hits the chief right in the head. The chief just falls backwards, dead. Plop. The tribesmen all look at the chief, and then look at the young man, with a total look of stunned disbelief. Then the voice from above speaks again.."NOW you're fucked".
Sign outside strip club shuttered due to COVID-19:
“Sorry, we’re clothed.”
How does NASA organize a party?
They Planet.
I once knew a pair of twins that looked exactly alike, except that one of them was missing an eye.
They were dentical twins.
2020 is going to be filled with so many puns about perfect vision
I can’t wait to see them all
The only thing that Flat-Earthers fear.
Is sphere itself.
Sex with a robot is awful…
He just nuts and bolts
Life before the computer:
Memory was something that you lost with age. An application was for employment. A program was a TV show. A cursor used profanity. A keyboard was a piano. A web was a spider's home. A virus was the flu. A CD was a bank account. A hard drive was a long trip on the road. A mouse pad was where a mouse lived. And if you had a 3 1/2 inch floppy….. you just hoped nobody found out.
What do you call a black man with a bullet wound?
An ambulance. You call him an ambulance.
My family treats me like a God
They forget that I exist unless they want something
McCain: Held as POW during Vietnam War Trump: Evaded Vietnam War, now hides in bunker
https://ift.tt/2UpdAjr
