And people will keep showing up too
And now it’s stuck in my head
You are the dancing queen, young and sweet, now in quarantine You can dance, you can jive, but you can’t go outside See that girl, watch that scene, but only through a screen
Onions make you cry
My mate thinks he's smart, he says onions are the only food that can make you cry. So I threw a Coconut at his face.
A young woman goes to her doctor… (NSFW)
A young woman goes to her doctor about two small rashes on her thighs. The doctor tests her for allergies, and then asks “Ma’am, are you a lesbian?” The woman stares for a second, then says “Yes, I am. Why?” “There’s the problem.” the doctor said “Tell your girlfriend to stop wearing cheap earrings.”
If I had a nickel for every time I didn’t know what was going on…
…I’d be like “why do I keep getting all these fucking nickels?”
What do you call someone with no body and no nose?
…. Nobody knows.
I was thinking about the first time machine I ever built.
Ahhh, it takes me back.
Soo we’re going to the Autopsy club tonight huh? What’s happening there?
It’s open Mike night!
If all people were like Redditors, we would have a better planet
Because Recycling old shit is what Redditors do best . P.S.A – Do recycle ♻
Why does Greta Thunberg like r/jokes so much?
We recycle our material every fucking day.
My girlfriend poked me in the eye the other day…
I stopped seeing her for a while.
My wife and I had a fantastic wedding
Even our cake was in tiers.
Interviewer: how do you explain the 3 year gap on your resume?
Me: oh, that was when I went to Yale Interviewer: Amazing, you are hired! Me: hurray! I got a Yob!
![The “[blank] 100” meme is probably the worst format that still exists](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/04/kkntcgec5gq21-400x474.jpg)
How do we know that atoms are Catholic?
Because they have mass
What do we want?
Hearing aids! When do we want them! Hearing aids!
A farmer quickly purchased land in a low lying depression, and began raising donkeys there. He did so with skill, and the donkeys rarely got away.
In other words, he hauled ass to amass asses in a hole asset, whole-ass not half-ass, lassoed the asses so they wouldn't by pass the ass hole.
I was watching Jurassic park the other day…..
…. when I thought "not only does my son have a really stupid name, he´s also a terrible driver"
Q: Why did Star Wars episodes 4,5, and 6 come before 1,2, and 3?
A: Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
Why shouldn’t you trust atoms?
Because they make up everything!
Einstein, Newton and Pascal are playing hide and seek. Einstein is counting. Pascal runs and hides, but Newton just draws a square and sit down. Einstein opens his eyes and exclaims, “Newton, I’ve found you!”
Newton replies, "No, you found Newton over a square meter. You've found Pascal!"
Experts have confirmed that bowling is officially the quietest sport.
You can hear a pin drop, after all.
Two wind turbines in a field
One turns to the other and says "what kind of music are you into?" The other one replies "I'm a big metal fan"
What’s the difference between a well dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly dressed man on a bicycle?
Attire. Edit: Thanks for the silver (my first metal)!!
Remember when plastic surgery was taboo?
Now if you mention Botox, no one even raises an eyebrow.
Do you know why Jesus loves Donuts?
Because theyre not self-centered.
This STEM discord server has enough energy to emit light In the visual spectrum 🔥
https://ift.tt/37QiCtg
As a scarecrow they said I was outstanding in my field..
But hey, it's in my genes.
If you thought this year was strange, I’ve got some news for you.
2019 will be odd too.
Did you hear about the Utah National Guard’s new IMI-made .44 Magnum?
It's called the Deseret Eagle.
I’m best friend’s with 25 letters of the alphabet
I don't know why
What’s the fastest liquid?
Milk- it’s pasteurized before you see it
Everyday I tell the wife I’m gonna do a few miles around the neighborhood for exercise. And I never do lol.
It’s a running joke I have
It’s ironic that Parasite won.
Because there was no host for the Oscars. Huh? Huh? I'll show myself out.
I called the doctor “My wife is going into labour! What should I do?”
"Is this her first child?" he asked. "No this is her husband"
Assistant: “Sir, can I have a day off next week to visit my mother-in-law?”
Boss: "Certainly not!" Assistant: "Thank you so much sir."