And people will keep showing up too
Trump has leveled up to supervillain mode
Never have a pillow fight with Death.
Unless you're ready to handle those reaper cushions.
It works 50% of the time, everytime
[NSFW] Even Pinocchio knows Epstein didn’t do it
Y’all Queda at it again
Everything about this brings me pain
What do you call a good swimming pun?
A stroke of genius
Haha THC bad
Poop jokes aren’t my favorite
But they're a solid #2
Now I know why we take physics, it’s to learn how to explode school
Ultrasonic mist maker cured my asthma too. Rife, Lakhovsky
The conception of time
A guy walks into a bar and asks for a beer “That’ll be five dollars”, says the bartender, and the guy throws 20 quarters onto the floor. Reluctantly, the bartender picks up the coins and serves the beer.
The next day, the guy comes into the bar, asks for a beer, throws 20 quarters onto the floor, etc. The next day, again. On the fourth day, he asks for a beer, and hands the bartender a 10$ bill. The bartender takes advantage of his chance for revenge, throws 20 quarters onto the floor and yells "here's your change asshole!" The guy looks down at the coins and says: "I'll have another beer, please."
Stop bitching and put on the mask
Before going to bed a girl says:
“Goodnight Mum, Goodnight Dad, Goodnight grandad, bye grandma.” The next day the grandma dies. The girl says again: “Goodnight Mum, Goodnight Dad, Bye grandad.” The next day the grandad dies. The next night, the girl says: “Goodnight Mum, bye Dad.” When the dad gets home from work he says “Honey I have had the most insane day!” The Mother says: “Me too! The postman died on the front yard!”
when you’re too lazy to use real debugging
“Dad, can I go to the Renaissance festival?”
Dad: No. You’re grounded. Son: No fair! Dad: That’s exactly what I said.
Everything is great!
The other day a friend of mine told me a really bad gravity joke.
I still fell for it though
I am down with the protests!! Just worried about what’s around the corner!!
Started a new job where I test cat flaps with my toes.
I'm only doing it to get my foot in the door.
I ordered a latte at Starbucks.
The bloke made me a full cup and designed the foam to look like the Apple logo. "That's really creative," I said, "I appreciate it." "Thank you sir," he smiled, "That would be £199."
Walmart will be closed for Christmas
so that both cashiers can spend time with their families.
I caught my wife cheating with my best friend.
She was upset that I was always beating her, and he was jealous of how much money and property I had. I was so angry when I caught them that I flipped the game board over and left them to pick up all the pieces.
Bernie wins the Iowa caucus despite the DNC’s best effort
What’s the longest word in the dictionary?
Smiles. Because there is a mile between the S's. Have to give credit to my ten year old daughter for this one… Apparently I'm bringing her up right.
I feel sad and happy and the same time
My 13 year old son was attacked for being white and a Donald Trump supporter.
And I'll fucking do it again.
Easy party hacks..
What’s in a name?
How many Alzheimer’s patients does it take to screw in a light bulb?
To get to the other side.
According to Morgan Freeman, we’re in the clear.
My grandma thinks she’s cool…
This is the Chr*stmas the MILLENNIAL LIBERALS want!
What’s similarity between playing a chess and having a dinner in Australian restaurant?
They both end with “Checkmate”.
This sub in a nutshell
Beginners trying to style something with CSS:
A naked man arrives at a costume party with a girl on his back.
"I'm a turtle", he says. "Oh… who's on your back?" "That's Michelle", he replies.
Having an algorithm O(n^2)
Literally the life we all live.
Which branch of the United States military is the most patriotic?
The Air Force; they're US AF
I bet this was the same diner they’ve eaten at on the regular, too.
Click here to see a silly beverage medley.
I called a suicide hotline in Iraq.
They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
My wife and I decided to curb our smoking habit a bit by only smoking after sex.
I havnt touched a cigarette in 10 years and shes up to 2 packs a day. RIP Rodney.
When does a bad joke become a dad joke?
When the punchline becomes apparent
But muah FREEDUM!!!!
I tried to go left whenever I played Mario.
It was wrong on so many levels.
What did one orphan say to another?
Robin, get in the Batmobile
“Medicare for Tiny Tim!” exclaimed the Code of Internal Revenue Present
Degrees of Stupidity
I never wanted to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker
But when I got home all the signs were there.
Actually it’s CANT read*
Time to follow their footsteps and study statistical mechanics.
The first day of school, I signed up for English, Math, Science, and Geography.
The rest, as they say, is History.
A magician never tells his secrets.
Except on the black hat market.
Slutty nurse necrophiliacs 😂👌🏻 amirite?
Happy Halloween 2020
Me as a hardware guy
NEWS: Chuck Norris has coronavirus.
… for breakfast.
Behold! The art of the deal
Yesterday I paid a stranger to knock me unconscious, shove a foreign object up my ass and film the whole thing.
Or as my doctor insists on calling it, a colonoscopy
It says: ”Sad. Now he will miss out on his selfie on top of the Everest”
Funny and sad at the same time . Yikes
How to go to class without going to class
I’ve got an advent calendar for Jehovah’s Witnesses…
Every time you open a door, someone tells you to fuck off.
Nobody’s perfect and thats perfectly fine😍😘.