And the award for the most insecure, tiniest penis, scared psycho goes to………
One goes ba dum tiss, the other is da bum kiss.
A look over the shoulder.
I was on the phone with my wife and said, “I’m almost home, honey, please put the coffee maker on.” After a twenty second pause, I asked, “You still there sweetheart?”
"Yeah…" she replied. "But I don't think the coffee maker wants to talk right now…"
No shit Sherlock
As soon as I got it home it made a bolt for the door.
… whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read: Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had £100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension cheque. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me? Sincerely, Edna The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few pounds. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected £96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends. Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read: Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. By the way, there was £4 missing. I think it must have been those cunts at the Post Office.
“You took too much acid.”
But no-one will do it.
They just crepe me out.
Well, the joke is on them. Because so are they
May not be Nessie-ssary, but Beast of Loch to you!
A: Look for footprints in the butter. Q: How do you tell there are 2 elephants hiding in your refrigerator? A: You can hear them fighting for room. Q: How do you tell there are 3 elephants in your refrigerator? A: There's more no room for the butter. Q: How do you tell there are 4 elephants in your refrigerator? A: You need a fork lift to move it. Q: You're in an airplane that's running out of fuel much more quickly than expected and is going to crash. What does the pilot throw out to save the plane? A: Your refrigerator. Q: Greg and Rich were playing their weekly game of chess. Greg always wins, but this time Rich was so close. He sat there thinking, and thinking, and thinking, trying to find an opening. He thought for so long that he died, and Greg won. How did Rich die? A: A refrigerator fell on him. Q: The Lion King called a huge meeting and demanded that all the animals come. There were the cheetahs, antelope, wildebeests, rattle snakes, hippopotamus, literally almost everyone one was there for the big meeting. But they couldn't start because there was one animal missing. Who was is? A: The elephants, because they were in your refrigerator. Q: Your walking across a desert when you come to a big river. You are so hungry that you're about to faint, but you can see several fruit trees full of fruit on the other side. There's an old bridge across the river, but it has a sign that says "Bridge closed due to snake infestation." Along the river there are also signs that say "Warning: Crocodiles – no swimming." How do you get across the river? A: Just take the bridge. All the animals are at the Lion King's meeting. Just some absurd jokes from my childhood 😉
Now you can talk about Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.
Check the news, The bullet is in critical condition
No text found
Police: “Open the door!” – Man: “I don’t want any balls!” – Police: “What? We don’t have balls!” – Man: “I know.”
One turns to the other and asks “did I start the joke wrong?”
He throws a cigarette off the boat and the boat becomes…a cigarette lighter
The bartender gives a rough estimate and say "about this tall I suppose." The man replied "Oh fuck I ran over a nun!"
He makes some really good points.
but I just couldn’t fit my head that far up my ass
If “womb is pronounced “woom”, “tomb” is pronounced “toom”, then then shouldn’t “bomb” be pronounced
“BOOM” I hope that blew your minds
but it just made it more sluggish.
Once upon a time there was this lobster…
I said "No, that's the last thing I want"
You don't want to press your luck…
Teacher asked “What is the formula of water?” Student said “H I J K L M N O” teacher said “that’s not the formula of water”
Student said “you said the formula was H to O”.