and the infinite sadness- smashing pumpkins 1994
Helium walks into a bar
The bartender says, "Sorry but you're gonna have to leave; we don't serve noble gases here." Helium does not react
A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase. NSFW
A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase. He asks, “What are you doing?” She answers, “I’m moving to London. I heard prostitutes there get paid £400 for doing what I do for you for free.” Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase. When she asks him where he’s going,he replies, “I’m coming too I want to see how you live on £800 a year”.
“They were the best boos, the greatest boos, nobody gets boos like me let me tell you!”
https://ift.tt/348hPT8
People say I’m a plagiarist…
Their words, not mine.
What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?
We’d better get some support or people will think we’re nuts.
How do you get an old lady to say the f word?
You get another old lady to say “Bingo.”
How do you send warships via email?
Google Docks
What’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
I don’t know and I don’t care.
I only know 25 letters of the alphabet
I can never understand y.
A husband and wife who work for the circus go to an adoption agency
looking to adopt a child, but the social workers there raise doubts about their suitability. So the couple produce photos of their 50-foot motor home, which is clean and well maintained and equipped with a beautiful nursery. The social workers are satisfied by this but then raise concerns about the kind of education a child would receive while in the couple's care. The husband puts their mind at ease, saying, "We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin, and computer skills." Next though, the social workers express concern about a child being raised in a circus environment. This time the wife explains, "Our nanny is a certified expert in pediatric care, welfare, and diet." The social workers are finally satisfied and ask the couple, "What age child are you hoping to adopt?" The husband says, "It doesn't really matter, as long as the kid fits in the cannon."
During this pandemic I’ve been drinking a lot of brake fluid
But it's okay because I can stop whenever I want
All Americans are immigrants … especially from an East Asian (Siberian) Bloodline
https://ift.tt/2YVjBYn
When single ladies get to the age of 50, they tend to get lots of cats.
This phenomenon is known as many paws
My cousin posted two jokes on this sub, but the mods deleted both of them.
He is my cousin, twice [removed]
How can you tell when a vampire’s sick ?
Because of the coffin.
A blonde was getting pretty desperate for money.
She decided to go to the nicer, richer neighborhoods around town and look for odd jobs as a handy woman. The first house she came to, a man answered the door and told Julie "Yeah, I have a job for you. How would you like to paint the porch?" "Sure that sounds great!" said Julie. "Well, how much do you want me to pay you?" asked the man. "Is fifty bucks all right?" she asked. "Yeah, great. You'll find the paint and ladders you'll need in the garage." The man went back into his house to his wife who had been listening. "Fifty bucks! Does she know the porch goes all the way around the house?" asked the wife. "Well, she must, she was standing right on it!" her husband replied. About 45 minutes later, Julie knocked on the door. "I'm all finished," she told the surprised homeowner. The man was amazed. "You painted the whole porch?" "Yeah," Julie replied, "I even had some paint left, so I put on two coats!" The man reached into his wallet to pay her. "Oh, and by the way," said Julie, "That's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
I saw a communist joke the other day,
I just had to share it with everyone
My ex-girlfriend just told me she wants us to get back together again. MAN! I sure am LUCKY!
I mean, first I win the lottery and now THIS?!
Three drunk guys walk into a brothel…
The madam sees them and tells the girls, “just use blow-up sex dolls, they are so wasted they won’t know the difference”. So the three guys find themselves in their rooms with a girl, so the deed, and walk out. The first guy says, “those girls were odd”. The second says, “yeah, I wonder if they were dead, cause no matter what I did, she didn’t move.” The third guy says, “no way, I think they were witches!” Both other guys stopped at this, shocked, and ask, “what? Why do you think they were witches?” The third guy replies, “because when I bit her ass, she farted on my face, and flew out of the window…”
Me: “Do you shower after sex?”
Coworker: "Yes." Me: "Then you should get laid more often."
A lawyer is arrested by the cops
He says: "I refuse to say anything without a lawyer present." Cop: "You are a lawyer." Lawyer: "Exactly, so where is my present?"
My wife asked me “Why don’t you treat me like you did when we were first dating ?”
So I took her to dinner, then a movie and dropped her off at her parents' house
I once challenged an amputee to a swordfight
But he came unarmed :/
I took a viagra this morning but it got stuck in my throat
I’ve had a stiff neck all day
Did you know that I was once addicted to the Hokey Pokey?
But I turned myself around.
British people be like: I’m bri ish
I guess they drank the t
I’ve started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes
it's all about raisin awareness
The internet connection at my farm is really sketchy, so I moved the modem to the barn.
Now I have stable wifi.
Why is japan the healthiest country in the world?
Because the last time they had a fat man 80,000 people died
I just paid $350 for a limousine, but found out it didnt have a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffeur it.
Mality, Mality, Mality, Mality.
Now that we’ve got the four malities out the way, we can begin.
I’d like to tell my lasagna joke here,
…but it’s multi-layered and way too cheesy
The American Government right now
https://ift.tt/2Mk4XlR