And the KKK still isn’t classified as a terrorist organization
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What do you call Batman skipping church?
Christian Bale
Elevators terrify me
I'm taking steps to avoid them
When orders for acetone, benzene and methanol plummeted…
…the chemical plant became insolvent…
Three men, Joe, Bro, and Buddy, all lived in a small town.
One day, Joe went hunting alone, and for the next few days no one heard from him. About a week afterwards, a body was found and brought into the coroner’s office. The coroner, after thoroughly examining the body, needed a positive identification in order to verify that the body was indeed Joe. So, he brought in Bro and Buddy, and told them to come in separately to identify the body. Bro came in first, and was asked to look for any details about the body that he recognized. After a few minutes of examining, Bro said, “Mr. Coroner, I’ll need you to turn the body over for me to be sure.” Confused, the coroner obliged. Bro continued to examine the body, bent down on one knee, reared his head sideways, then stood up and said, “No sir, this can’t be Joe.” The coroner was even more confused, but he accepted this statement and sent Bro out. Next, he invited Buddy in to repeat the task. Buddy, after examining the body in a similar fashion to Bro, also requested that the body be turned over. The coroner, after mumbling a bit about his confusion, flipped the body over. Buddy too bent down on one knee and examined the back area of the body, then, just as Bro had previously, said, “No sir, Mr. Coroner, this isn’t Joe.” The coroner was astonished, so he asked that Bro come back in so that the two of them were standing there at once. The coroner said, “Gentlemen, this man’s dental records and features match perfectly with those of your friend Joe’s. How on earth are you both positive this isn’t him?” Bro and Buddy looked at each other, then Bro answered, “Sir, this can’t be Joe because Joe has two assholes.” In shock, the coroner asked, “How can he have two assholes? Have you ever seen them?” Buddy replied, “No sir, but it was common knowledge. Every time we were out with him, people would say, ‘Look, it’s Joe with those two assholes!’” Credit goes to my grandmother, who was the first to tell me this joke.
I was fired from my job as a Zoo Keeper after all the animals died
In my defence, all the signs did say "Don't feed the animals"
Why does listening to FM radio hurt?
Because Mega Hertz
Why is Princess Zelda the most fashionable person in Hyrule?
Because she's really Sheik.
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
You look for fresh prints
I lost my watch at a party once.
An hour later I saw some guy stepping on it while he was sexually harassing some woman at that party. Infuriated, I immediately went over, punched him and broke his nose. No one does that to a woman, not on my watch.
To the man in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket
You can hide but you can't run
The young assistant got fired from the butchers shop, I asked why…..
The butcher replied “I caught him with his dick in the bacon slicer!” “Oh!” I replied, “what did you do with the bacon slicer?” “I fired her as well!” said the Butcher.
There’s a dodgy looking man standing by my car with slippers on.
He seems confused as to why my car would dress like that.
Saw a man standing on one leg at an ATM.
Confused, I asked him what he was doing… He said: “Just checking my balance.”
A dad was washing his car with his son
After awhile, the son turned to his dad and said "Hey dad, why can't we use a sponge?"
You know Mexican jokes and black jokes are all the same,
Once you've heard Juan, you've heard Jamal.
A mailman notices a mail box with the flag up
So, he opens the box and picks up the letter. He glances at it briefly to make sure it is stamped, and then puts it in his bag with his other letters. When he gets back to his office, the letter goes in a big bin with all of the other out-going mail. He thinks nothing of it, and finishes his day. A few days later, he delivers the exact same letter to the same house that he picked it up from. He glances at the mailing address and observes that it is indeed the same as the return address. Anyone can make a mistake, so the mailman puts the letter in the mailbox so that the customer can readdress it for its proper recipient. He thinks nothing of it and finishes his day. The next day, the mailman sees the same mailbox with the flag up. He opens the box and again sees the same letter, nothing changed, but with a new stamp on it. The mailman is perplexed, and thinking to save the customer both time and money, decides to ring the doorbell and inquire about the letter. Ding-dong, ding-dong. Ding-dong, ding-dong. Ding-dong, Ding-dong. The door opens and standing there is a stout Buddhist monk, dressed in traditional garb. “Pardon me, sir,” the mailman says, “but you seem to be trying to mail this letter again, and without any changes to the address, it’s only going to end up back at your home in a few days.” “Ah, my letter. Thank you so much for mailing it the other day, it was greatly appreciated. Please do so again” replies the Buddhist monk. “But sir,” says mailman, “you will only waste a stamp, and this letter will be re-delivered to your home a few days from now.” “But that is my intention, dear man,” replies the Buddhist monk. “You see, reposting is the best way to get karma.”
Why are the Avengers so good with tools?
They’re always assembling
Why is a group of crows called a “murder”?
because there's probable caws
There is a sell on Liam Neeson movie.
But, it was already Taken.
Why should you NEVER ask Rick Ashley for his complete collection of Pixar movies?
Because, he’s never going to give you Up! Told by Siri on my HomePod
When I noticed “HI” in the alphabet, I thought someone was actually going to be my friend…
Then I saw the next two letters…
My friend decided to have a testicle removed after he found a lump.
He is really hardcore about his mashed potatoes.
It is a poor musician that blames his in cement…
*instrument. … darn autocorrect just screwed up my post.
A man answers the door and sees two police officers standing there.
Officer: I'm sorry, but it looks like your wife has been in a horrible car accident Husband: But she has a great personality.
Realizing you just fucked up 5 hours of work on a PCR with one pipetting error
https://ift.tt/2Q6v69U
And Jesus said “Come forth and receive eternal life.”
But Peter came in fifth and won a toaster.
None of my neighbours seems to know their router comes with modifyable settings.
https://ift.tt/2x9Gj3k
Where does Elsa order her sandwiches?
The arenDeli.
I got in a fight with frequency the other day
I lost and it still Hertz
10-years old girl asks her mum: “Mummy, how was i born?”
The mother smiles a replies: "Once upon a time, me and your daddy had a wonderful time so we decided to plant a little seed. Daddy put it in the earth and I took very good care of it every single day. After a while the seed started to grow more and more leaves and in a few months, the seed turned into a beautiful and healthy plant. So we took the plant, dried it, smoked it and then we got so high that we fucked without a condom."
Do you know why programers prefer dark mode?
Because light attracts bugs.
apparently you can’t use “beef stew” as a password
it’s not stroganoff.
One day I’ll pretend to be gay. I’ll make lots of female friends, gain their trust. Become their confidant, and when they least expected…BAAM!!!
I'll have sex with their boyfriends