and they didn’t test it
I asked a train engineer how many times he’s derailed the train.
He looked at me and said "I honestly don't know… It's hard to keep track".
My friend just had an orgasm after she started thinking reasonably…
She came to her senses!
BRAIN BAD. PHONE B A D
The world may never know
Gotta go fast
A recently married couple are in bed, when the man asks his wife how many men she has slept with
After the question, the woman doesn't respond. The man asks again "Just tell me, it's fine. How many men have you slept with?" His wife, still in total silence, just stares at the ceiling. The man says "I am sorry. I didn't mean to upset you. I just thought we could trust each other…" Still silence from his wife. The man, giving up, says "It's OK. Please don't be upset." Since the woman is still silent, the man starts hugging and kissing her, showing his affection. While he is doing this, his wife seems to come to her senses, stops looking at the ceiling, looks at him, and upset, tells her husband, "Damn it! You made me lose count!"
What unit of measurement do you use to weigh bones?
Skele tons! Stay spooky my dudes
My daughter keeps complaining that I’m too nosy
Or at least that's what I read in her diary
NEW YEAR, NEW RULE. That is all.
My grandpa has no idea he’s giving me free internet points
I failed a health and safety course yesterday. One of the questions was ‘in the event of a fire, what steps would you take?’
‘Large ones’ was apparently the wrong answer.
My grandpa always said, “Always try to be the fish going against the current.”
Good man. Got electrocuted every day though.
when you’re too lazy to use real debugging
Anti-Vaxxers have suffered an integer overflow
There is a guy stealing Iphones around town
He is probably going to face time
I can’t wait to win
Dogs and FOX
Puns make me numb
Math puns make me number
That Robert Pattinson meme really is everywhere!
No one:Employee to tech support: “My computer is pretty slow”The computer:https://ift.tt/2SrlG9N
Hahahahaha I want to kill my husband
He tells it as it is
While my wife was in labor I read her jokes to distract her from the pain, but she didn’t seem amused…
I guess it was the delivery!
Twenty years from now
Fixing Bug in Production
Well, most of the sciences really.
I got fired from my job at the bank today.
An old lady came in and asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
Laughs in Google.
An employee was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
“Listen,” said the CEO, “this is a very sensitive and important document here and my Secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work?" “Certainly,” said the employee. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper and pressed the start button. “Excellent, excellent!” said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. “I just need one copy.”
The Sound of Silence and Click Clack
How do you stop an anti-vaxer from drowning?
Take your foot off his head. ** Edit: Some people PM'd me to tell me they found this offensive. I reread it and I agree. Here is the updated version of the joke: Q. How do you stop an anti-vaxer from drowning? A. Take your foot off his or her head. Again, I apologize to any feminists out there for my originally posted version.
It Was All a Dream
Mom! I need you!
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years. “This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid. “And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
"Because she's only three." I answered.
You can’t run through a campground
You can only ran, because it’s past tents
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.
It’s an extremely rare dish order.
Trump has leveled up to supervillain mode
My girlfriend left a note on the fridge, saying “this isn’t working anymore”
I open the fridge and it’s working fine WTF
A father puts his 3-year old daughter to bed. His daughter wanted to say a prayer before sleeping, so the father listened.
“God bless mommy, God bless daddy, God bless Grandma, Good bye grandpa” The father asked “why did you say good bye grandpa?” The little girl said “I don’t know, it just seemed like the right thing to say.” The next morning, the family received news that the grandfather had indeed died. The father thought that it was just a very lucky coincidence. A few months later, he tucked her daughter into bed, and she said a prayer. “God bless mommy, God bless daddy, goodbye grandma.” And of course, the next day, the grandmother died. The father realized that his daughter could predict the family deaths, and that this was no coincidence. A few weeks later, he tucked his daughter into bed, and her prayer went “God bless mommy, and good bye daddy.” Her father went into shock. He stood up all night waiting for the worse, and then sunrise came. He decided to just stay at work the entire day to be safe. He stayed at his office until midnight came. When it did, nothing happened. He breathed a sigh of relief. When he came home, his wife asked why he was home so late. “I had the worst day of my life.” Said the father. “If you think your day was hard, you won’t believe what happened to me, my boss died in the middle of a meeting!”
[OC] Why shouldn’t you mention hair or skin while wearing deodorant?
The deodorant gets up in arms over them.
A lumberjack went in to a magic forest to cut a tree. Upon arrival, he started to swing at the tree, when it shouted, “Wait! I’m a talking tree!”
The lumberjack grinned, “And you will dialogue!"
I take a ruler to bed with me every night….
…so in the morning I can find out how long I slept.
Truly ‘‘twas a pity when William Pitt died
No text found
A 60 year old man was starting at a 17 year old teen, particularly his hair, on the bus.
The boy, who had just coloured his hair various shades started feeling uncomfortable by the old man's gaze. Unable to take it anymore, the boy shouted – "What is it old man? Can't stomach when people do wild things?" The old man replied – "I once fucked a peacock when I was a teen. Wondering if you're my grandson".
Women are just so emotional!
When I was in kindergarten, I was so caught up in learning the names of all the numbers that I memorized them out of order.
I couldn't see the fours for the threes.
Im at an Iranian military post
Edit: This post just blew up
Probably the only two things we can agree on
New rule in the Democrat Party
Why should you never tell a secret in the country?
The potatoes have eyes The corn has ears And the beans are all stalkers
“Hey Dad, why does Jesus wear a crown of thorns in every picture?”
“No idea. That’s a real head-scratcher.”
On Monday we start Diarrhea Awareness Week.
Runs until Friday.
Irony Is Not Dead
found on my uncles Facebook
When the only one saying this is your wifi
Physics is the King of Science
God dang smartphones
What do you call the bad part of Italy?
Based on a true story (oc)
What’s the difference between a kiss and anal sex?
A kiss will make your day, but anal will make your hole weak.
Just putting this out there
Is this irony?
If you see somebody robbing an Apple store,
does that make you an iWitness?
My therapist hates it when I stand in the corner of the waiting room, blowing air at people.
It’s annoying, but I’m a big fan.
Washing hands bad