AnD tHEy prObaBly gEt a ParTIcIPatioN TroPhY
While stitching a cut on the hand of a 75 year old farmer, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.
Eventually the topic got around to Donald Trump and his role as the President. The old farmer said, " Well, as I see it, Donald Trump is like a 'Post Tortoise'.'' Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'post tortoise' was. The old farmer said, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a tortoise balanced on top, that's a post tortoise." The old farmer saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain. "You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, he's elevated beyond his ability to function, and you just wonder what kind of dumb ass put him up there to begin with."
Why do programmers prefer dark mode?
Cause light attracts bugs.
Fluorescent & Lineoleum
Very Fine People
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius…
…but his brother Frank was a monster.
Dog is calling…
W I f e B a d
its a 5 minute walk from my house to the pub and a 35 minute walk from the pub to my house
The difference is staggering
What do you call a hipster’s wife?
A rabbit used to come up to my front yard every day for food, but hasn’t shown up in a week.
Now it’s just some bunny I used to know.
You know, I really do love bad puns.
It’s just how eye roll.
If the opposite of “pro” is “con”,
Then the opposite of “progress” is “Congress” (Dads can be woke too)
My 4-year-old nephew has been learning Spanish since lockdown.
He can’t say ‘please’ which I think is poor for four
How to tell the sex of an ant?
Drop it in water… If it sinks: girl ant If it floats…..
phone bad, dirt bike good
mobile phone bad
Tell a woman she’s beautiful a hundred times and she won’t believe you.
Tell a woman she’s fat once and she will remember it for the rest of her life because elephants never forget.
The Walking Braindead
A pirate walks into bar and sits…
A pirate walks into bar and sits down. The bartender notices that he has a peg leg, a hook for a hand, and a patch over one eye. The pirate orders a beer, and while he's pouring it the bartender asks "So what's the story with the leg?" "Well it were many a year ago," says the pirate. "I were walkin on the deck a me ship and a rogue wave swept me overboard, and a shark swum up and bit me leg clean off! I swum ashore and were fitted fer a peg leg that very night." "That's terrible," says the bartender. "What about the hand?" "Well it were the very next day," says the pirate. "I were walkin on the deck a me ship and a rogue wave swept me overboard again, and a whale came up and bit me hand clean off! I swum ashore and were fitted fer a hook that very night." "Wow," says the bartender. "So what about the eye?" "Well it were the very next day," says the pirate. "I were walkin on the deck a me ship, and I were lookin out fer rogue waves, and a seagull flew over and shit right in me eye!" "Oh man," says the bartender. "And that blinded you?" "Well no," says the pirate. "But it were me first day with the hook."
[NSFW] Posted by an actual boomer on my facebook
Thank you Facebook, very cool!
Why couldn’t the number 3 cross the border?
Never date a baker!
They're way too kneady…
“I’m sorry, we don’t serve time travelers here.”
A time traveler walks into a bar.
My wife left me cause Im too insecure
Never mind she was just at the grocery store
Got my first tattoo today
But it was only temporary. (I see that image posts aren't allowed in this sub but gosh darn it, I earned this one. I throw myself on your mercy, mods.)
Got some paper towel rolls?
A woman dies and goes to the gates of heaven.
When she gets there, she is perplexed and confused to find everyone furiously cracking eggs, dumping flour, and mixing batter. She turns around and sees an entire section dedicated to decoration, with elaborate concoctions of strawberries, frosting, and tiering at every station. Finally, she seems to recognize someone who appears to be in charge. She runs over and asks the man, "what is going on here?" The strange man replies, "everyone here is doing their best to better their souls." Confused at the cryptic answer and curious about the strange man's traditional Mongolian garb, the woman asks him to elaborate. The Buddhist Monk replies, "my dear, having cake is the best way to gain Karma."
……. 4s² 3d¹⁰
The best advice my dad gave me was to find a girl with an embarrassing tattoo and marry her.
She knows how to make bad decisions, yet stick by them.
99 bugs in the code, 99 bugs in the code. You take one down, patch it around…
129 bugs in the code.
Found the problem!!
How do you count People from Mississippi
1 Mississippi 2 Mississippi 3 Mississippi
Power To The People!
Good imitation mate
My wife recommended I do some light reading to relax at the end of the day
Not really relaxing, as my eyes are in pain, but I managed to make out, "60 Watts – Made in China."
Driving past a farm, I said to the kids, “Those are expert horses…”
"… They're out standing in their field."
A man goes into a restaurant. He has a seat at a booth and opens a menu to find out that none of the foods have prices next to them.
He asks the waiter, “How much is the Fettuccine Alfredo?” The waiter says, “A penny.” The man exclaims, “A penny? How much for a steak?” The waiter says, “A nickel.” The man is astonished. “Are you serious? Where’s the man who owns this place? I’d like to shake his hand!” The waiter answers, “He’s upstairs with my wife.” Confused, the man asks, “What’s he doing upstairs with your wife?” The waiter smiles and says, “The same thing I’m doing down here to his business.”
The son of a rich Saudi sheikh arrives in Germany for his University studies.
He soon writes home to his father. "Dear Dad, Berlin is wonderful, the people are nice and I really like it here, but Dad I am a little ashamed to be riding to class every day in my 24k gold Ferrari 599GTB when my professors, friends and many fellow students all travel by train. Your son, Ahmed" Promptly, his father writes back. "My Dear son Ahmed, $20 Million has just been transferred to your account. Please stop embarrassing our family. Go and get yourself a train too. Love, your dad"
Data Structures in Real Life.
When I die I want all the people I’ve ever worked with on group projects to lower me in the ground,
So they can let me down one last time.
Why did Karen press control alt delete?
She wanted to speak to the task manager.
Fission is basically a divorce
Chaplin + Chopin (sound on) [OC]
Don’t spell part backwards
It's a trap
Welcome back to the plastic surgery addicts support group
I'm seeing a lot of new faces here and I must say I'm very disappointed…
Internet explorer with the dial up connection
They say that Christmas is a Pagan holiday, but…
A senior figure secretly dispensing the contents of his sack for every child he can get to sounds pretty Catholic to me.
Big brain time
The Memes don’t make themselves
There is a fine line between numerator and denominator
Only a fraction of people will get it
Cadet Bone Spurs, dodging for duty!
What does Alexander the Great have in common with Winnie the Pooh?
Same middle name.
Trump Train 🚞
I have an unoriginal joke.
But you probably Reddit
Found in r/animalcrossing but I guess it fits here
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a beautiful blonde, and a comely brunette
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a beautiful blonde, and a comely brunette are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps. Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel. As the compartment is plunged into complete darkness for the Nth time a ringing slap is heard. The train passes back into daylight and the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek. The brunette thinks 'I bet that dirty Frenchman fondled the blonde and she struck the pervert.' The blonde thinks 'I bet that filthy Frenchman was looking to grope me in the dark, mistook the dowdy brunette for me and slapped the beast.' The Frenchman thinks 'I bet that perfidious Englishman touched up the blonde in the dark and she slapped me by mistake.' The Englishman thinks 'I can't wait for another tunnel so I can slap that French twat again.'
Is there a doctor in the house?
I tried calling the tinnitus hotline but there was no answer.
It just kept ringing.
Back when writing in pointlessly complicated ways was a form of social esteem
Got a new job at the guillotine factory.
I'll beheading there shortly.
I tried to impress a bunch of people at a party by playing my guitar, but nobody took any notice.
They just frowned and moved to another part of the silent disco.
Did you hear about the satellites that got married?
The wedding wasn't much, but the reception was incredible!
The Repug party, run by greed and malice …
What’s brown and not very heavy??
LOCK HIM UP
When the scammers have a nicer font than Amazon itself
Senator Lindsey Graham is outraged
HACKATHON RESULTS & WINNERS!
We’re finally here, a month and a half later than we should have been, ready to give you give you the 2019 Hackathon Results! And our winners a-Hold up a minute, not so fast. We have a few more things to say first, and seriously, what ever happened to suspense? First of all, thanks so much to everyone who entered the event and watched the Twitch streams; with your help this event has been a huge success and we’ve enjoyed running it the whole way through. We received a total of thirty entries, not a number to take lightly for sure. And most importantly, we now know what went right and wrong, and hopefully, this will let us make the next one even better. And of course, a huge thanks to our sponsors, who provided the backbone of this competition:JetBrains, Digital Oceans and Reddit (you’re on it right now).They’ve been especially generous in the rewards they’ve given to us which we’re about to give to you, so let’s get a little internet round of applause for them.Back to the results: judges were required to give entries a 0-5 score for relevance and 0-5 for presentation; both scores were then summed up for the entry’s total score. Explanations for both categories were provided, so please DM me if you’d like to get some feedback on your submission. We then averaged the scores for each entry from every judge, and turned that into a percentage. Unfortunately, we’ve had to disqualify some entries for the following reasons:It could not be run on any of the judges’ computers and the demos were not comprehensive enoughBuild instructions were not providedSource code modification was necessary for the entry to workIf your entries met one of those criteria, please keep that in mind if you enter our next Hackathon (or for that matter, nearly any other programming related competition). Judging is already a significant effort on our part, especially with a theme of this nature, and we don’t have the time to deal with a of these cases. Nevertheless, we still appreciate the effort to make an entry and we look forward to your next submission.All that aside, without further ado, it’s time to announce the winners: drumrolllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll: Findio by csteinmetz1 and seanpmyers (/u/csteinmetz1) with a 95% score. You’ll both be treated to a 1 year JetBrains license for any IDE and $125 in DigitalOceans credits for each.EmojIDE by OnlyTwo_jpg/RubbaBoy (/u/OnlyTwo_jpg) with a 93% score. You’ll be given a JetBrains license and $175 in DO credits.In a deadocked tie, only decided in a last minute vote, What datetime is it right now by Yihwan (/u/yihwan) with a 90% score. You’ll get a JetBrains license and $75 in DO credits.Winners, please contact me, Gator or Steve on the Discord or on Reddit with your emails to claim your prizes.As mentioned above, we had a tie for 3rd place between Datetime, selfCaptcha and Hello World Enterprise Edition – but the race is not over yet. We still want you to decide the People’s Choice winner, which will win some large amount of Reddit coins. Vote here: https://ift.tt/33gpbnr again, thanks so much to all who entered, I think I can speak for everyone on the judging and streaming team that you’ve all given us at least some goods laughs with all your entries. We’ll love to see what y’all come up with next year (we may also possibly have a physical booth for the event, but don’t necessarily count on it). See you soon!As a quick aside, we’ll be opening moderator applications very soon and bringing in some rule changes, so please keep your eyes open for those.
How people think programming is v/s how it actually is
Is time travel possible?
3 guys have a sleep over
3 guys have a sleep over after watching a scary movie, they all decide to stay in the same bed. The next morning the guy on the left says " last night i had the best dream a beautiful blonde girl was wanking me off " The guy on the right says " That's strange I had a similar dream except the girl was a brunette " The guy in the mindle saying " Fuck sake I had a dream I was skiing "
For all my quarantined buddies