…and we all live happily ever after
How does a lawyer stop the bleeding?
Attorney-kit.
I don’t like braille porn
It's all fingering.
I googled how to start a wildfire…
It came up with a couple thousand matches.
A zombie is trying to get his kid to eat their dinner
"Eat your food, there's people in America with no brains at all"
What do antivax moms and responsible bartenders have in common?
They donât give shots to babies.
Everyone keeps telling me Iâm the worst mailman they have ever seen…
Sorry! I meant to post this somewhere else…
The first rule of flight club…
is to take flying lessons. Also know how to read carefully.
The punchline comes before the question.
What's the worst part about time travelling jokes?
Why is Waldoâs shirt striped?
Canât be spotted
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7 and 9.
The odds were against me. Edit: Thanks so much!! This is my first award!
My whole life I thought Chewbacca was an ewok
Wookie mistake.
Why do flamingos stand with one leg up?
If both were up, they'd fall down.
My girlfriend just asked me when I last had sex with someone that wasn’t her
I said- "Back in 02." It sounds much better than "February"
Why did the doctor pull a rectal thermometer out of their pocket?
Some asshole has their pen.
The bible is the greatest story ever told.
And to hell with anyone who doesnât believe me.
I consider myself to be quite a pussy magnet
Now if I can just figure out how to change the polarity.
Why are Americans so stupid?
Because we shoot the ones who go to school.
A family are driving behind a garbage truck….
A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the wind shield. Embarrassed, and to spare her young daughter's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was just an insect." To which her daughter replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that."
Cattle Farmers respond to Federal Agents burning marijuana fields next door.
"In these troubled times, the steaks have never been higher."
All countries will get the corona virus eventually…
China just got it right off the bat…
A magician stops a woman on a street….
âPick a card, any cardâ he says. She grabs one at random. âNow, look away and memorize that card. Donât show me.â She turns away, memorizes it, and turns back to see that the man was gone. She lived her life as any other. She got a job, fell in love, got married, and got pregnant with her first child. Fast forward 9 months. âPush, PUSHâ the midwife and doctors urged. âYouâre almost there!â âThe baby! Sheâs crowning!â âBut… whatâs that in her HAND???â âIt… it looks like…â âIs THIS your card?â a familiar voice said.
What do you get when you cross Captain America with the Incredible Hulk?
The Star-Spangled Banner.Â
John is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts..
A classic in honor of my cake day! John is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now". He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the lights now? Does it look like I have GE written on my forehead? I don't think so". "Fine", the wife sighs, "Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right". To which John replied, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Kenmore written on my forehead? I don"t think so". "Fine", she says "then you could at least fix the steps to the front door? They are about to break" "I'm not a carpenter and i don"t want to fix steps" he says, "does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don't think so, I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!" So John goes to the bar and drinks for a couple of hours. He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home. As he walks into the house, he notices that the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed. "Honey", he asks, "How did all this get fixed?" John's wife replied, "Well, when you left I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either go to bed with him or bake a cake". John asked, "So what kind of cake did you bake?" She replied, "hellooooo.. Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead? I don't think so!"
Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary.
Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!" Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island. An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did we pay our $5,000 PBS pledge check yet?" "No, sweetheart," she responds. Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, "Esther, did we pay our American Express card yet?" "Oh, no! Iâm sorry. I forgot to send the check," she says. "One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send checks for the Visa and MasterCard this month?" he asks. "Oh, forgive me, Abie," begged Esther. "I didnât send that one, either." Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years. Esther pulls away and asks him, "What was that for?" Abe answers, "Theyâll find us!"
A miller tells the king his daughter Edith can spin straw into gold.
So the king locks Edith in a room with straw and tells her she will die if she can not spin straw into gold. After awhile a small man appears to the crying millerâs daughter. RUMPELSTILTSKIN: What saddens you young girl? EDITH: My fatherâs big mouth has gotten me in quite the predicament, if I can not spin this straw into gold I shall be hanged tomorrow morning. RUMPELSTILTSKIN: cackles I can help you, but at the cost of part of your name. I will spin the straw to gold, but if I do, I will take a letter from your name; unless, of course, you can guess mine. Edith graciously accepts and watches as Rumpelstiltskin spins all the straw in the room into gold, saving her life. Finally, Rumpelstiltskin gives her one last chance to save her name by guessing his name. RUMPELSTILTSKIN: So young girl, what is my name? EDITH: Alas, I know not. RUMPELSTILTSKIN: cackles Then your name is mine! Edith accepts her punishment and is still grateful for the help. EDIT: Thanks for the gold, kind stranger!
Are you the enemy of my enemy?
Asking for a friend.
A husband and wife love to play golf together, but neither of them are playing like they want to, so they decide to take private lessons.
The husband has his lesson first. After the pro sees his swing, he says, âNo, no, no, youâre gripping the club way too hard!â âWell, what should I do?â asks the man. âHold the club gently,â the pro replied, âjust like youâd hold your wifeâs breasts.â The man takes the advice, takes a swing, and WOW! He hits the ball 250 yards, straight up the fairway. The man goes back to his wife with the good news, and the wife canât wait for her lesson.The next day the wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches her swing and says, âNo, no, no, youâre gripping the club way too hard.â âWhat can I do?â asks the wife. âHold the club gently, just like youâd hold your husbandâs thing.â The wife listens carefully to the proâs advice, takes a swing, and THUMP. The ball goes straight down the fairway . . . about 15 ft. âThat was great,â the pro says. âNow, take the club out of your mouth and swing the club like youâre supposed to!â
My friend complained to me that her new Saab 9-5 was having engine problems.
I told her I didnât want to hear her Saab story.
Bernie said he’s going to legalize marijuana on his first day in the Whitehouse
On his second day he'll legalize it everywhere else.
I got fired from the sperm bank yesterday
Apparently you're not allowed to nudge the nearest co-worker and say, "get a load of this guy" every time someone walks in.