“And we’re taking back our flag, too!”
because it’s in the middle of water
I heard that he was framed.
A Soviet army is walking through a finnish field in 1939 during the winter war. Suddenly a voice yells at the other side of a hill.
The voice says: "one finnish soldier is equal to ten soviets" The soviet commander sends ten soldiers to the hill. They hear gunfire, then silence. Soon the same voice yells again: "One finnish soldier is equal to a hundred soviets!" Angry soviet commander sends a hundred soldiers to the hill. They hear gunfire and screans followed by a longer silence. Soon again the same voice yells: "One finnish soldier is equal to a thousand soviets!" Now furious, the soviet commander sends a thousand soldiers and a tank to the hill. They hear even more gunfire and explosions. Then silence. One heavily wounded soviet soldiers crawls from the hill and yells: "Commander! Dont send any more troops, its a trap! Theres two of them!" (I know this joke is super old but idgaf)
The pupils, they dilate
You don’t need make-up. Aww, that is so sweet of you! You need plastic surgery.
When Jane first met Tarzan in the jungle, she was instantly attracted to him and during her questions about his life, she asked him if he had ever had sex. “Tarzan not know sex.” he replied.
Jane explained to him what it was. Tarzan said, "Ohhh…Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree." Horrified, Jane said, "Tarzan, you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly." She took off her clothing and lay down on the ground. "Here." she said, pointing to her privates. "You must put it in here." Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her right in the crotch! Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity. Eventually, she managed to gasp for air and screamed, "What did you do that for?!" Tarzan replied, "Check for squirrel."
They have already adjusted their prices for the next 50 years of inflation!
and as you can see, they were Wright.
it’s not stroganoff.
The tattooed guy brags: "I have the best job, I'm a musician. Each day I have sex at least twice!" The hot blonde responds: "Well, I'm a prostitute. It's literally my job. I have one customer per hour!" Finally the pale looking guy joins in: "Still, none of you gets as much sex during your jobs as I do." After a short, irritated silence the blonde finally dares to ask: "So, what do you do?" "I'm a mortician."
"Son, you know that one would have been enough."
I said "Sure. Why wouldn't I want $300,000?"
Beer nuts cost 2.50 deer nuts are just under a buck.
I was wrong on many levels
No text found
My dad and I are going out tonight and I asked if he could pick me up. He said "I think so – I've been working out!"
Who’s there? Wah. Wah who? Settle down. This isn’t THAT great of a joke.
A random woman was wearing a mask and she took it off to cough, I don’t know if it’s in purpose but she almost literally coughed on me
Immigration officer says: "Name?". "Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin". "Address?" "Kremlin, Moscow, Russia". "Occupation?" "No, this time just visiting".
No text found
H2O. What's on the outside of the hydrant? K9P
Nothing, it just waved.
He said, “Sorry. No time.”
I have some breaking news for her.
The secret service isn’t allowed to yell “Get down!” anymore when the president is about to be attacked.
Now they have to yell "Donald Duck!"
My brother took going to jail really badly. He refused to eat, spat and swore at anyone who came near him, and smeared the walls with his own feces.
After that, we never played Monopoly with him again.
Because you can't C in the dark.
He rolled down the window and asked the officer: "Why is there such a traffic jam?" Officer: "A group of terrorists kidnapped a few politicians and are blocking the road. They have threatened to burn the politicians alive in 1000 gallons of gasoline if they don't get a 5 million dollar ransom within the hour. I'm going from car to car collecting donations and would like to know if you'd please help." Man: "Ok. How much are other people giving?" Officer: "On average, about two gallons."
For formal occasions, I wear my James clothes.
STARTLED, BRYAN GASPS ,, "FREDDIE, I THOUGHT YOU WERE DEAD?" TO WHICH FREDDIE REPLIES "I WAS BUT I WAS BROUGHT BACK TO LIFE BY A VOODOO PRIEST" "VOODOO?", BRYAN ASKS,"WHATS VOODOO?" "WELL BRYAN", FREDDY SAYS, "ITS A KIND OF MAGIC!"
I did that but now I don’t know what to do with the letters
I told my wife, “I feel bad for saying this but you are getting loose and it doesn’t feel as good anymore”
She replied, "don't feel bad, it's not your fault!"
* sigh * unzips