Andrew Giuliani is a liaison to the sports community at the White House
Why is spiderman so good at comebacks?
Because with great power comes great response ability.
What do you call a beehive with no exit?
Unbeelievable
I proposed to my ex-wife. But she said no.
She believes I'm only after my money.
NSFW. What’s the difference between a Budweiser and a clitoris?
A clitoris only tastes like piss for a second.
My girlfriend wants me to choose between her and my career as a reporter.
I have some breaking news for her.
I told my boss I need a pay rise and that 3 other companies were after me…
He said 'which ones?' I said ' Gas, electric and water'
What do you call a blonde who dyed herself brunette?
Artificial Intelligence
I saw my son reading Fahrenheit 451, and I asked him whether he liked it.
He said, “Its pretty lit.”
If a king farts…
Is it a noble gas?
I think the cashier likes me.
She was definitely checking me out.
Harry Potter could be a great mafia boss
He always catches the snitch
Got my dick wet for the first time today
Just learned about this shower thing, pretty cool
A man in a bar starts talking to a prostitute…
A man in a bar starts talking to a prostitute… He says “how much for a hand job?” She says it’s $250. He says, “ $250 for a lousy hand job? That’s crazy!“ She says, “Honey, follow me “and takes him outside. “See that Ferrari? I bought that Ferrari just with money from hand jobs. I give the best in the world.” So he figures he’ll try it, and what do you know, it’s great. It’s a week before he’s horny again. So he goes back to the same bar and asked her about a blowjob. She says it’s $500. He thinks that’s too much. She says, “Honey, come out back. See that mansion up on the hill? I bought that mansion with just money from blowjobs. I give the best blow jobs.” So he takes her up on it and it’s amazing. He’s absolutely drained for a month. Now he’s obsessed and he has to go back. He finds her in the bar. Desperately, he says “I gotta know, how much for the pussy?” “Oh honey,” she says, “If I had one of those I’d own this town.”
What is Pac-Man’s favorite cooking utensil?
A wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok…
What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot. (I'll show myself out…)
My Asian roommate says I have schizophrenia.
Jokes on him, I don't have a roommate.
Its not anal bleaching
It's changing your ring tone
My obese parrot died yesterday.
I should be upset but it’s a huge weight off my shoulder.
Did you hear they changed the font of alphabet soup?
Now it is Times New Ramen
How many police officers does it take to change a light bulb?
None they just beat the room for being black
My dad’s so cheap
That when he dies he'll walk toward the light and switch it off.
How many people can ride in an ambulance?
Just a paramedics
Stan lee
Its sad he died but at least he lived a marvelous life
Archaeologists digging on a pyramid in Egypt have found a mummy covered in chocolate and nuts.
Experts believe it to be Pharaoh Roche.
A man has been drinking alone all day at a bar…
And checks his clock. "1:30am, fuck. I need to go home now or my wife's going to ripp my balls off" – Thinks to himself. But as he's trying to get up, he falls awkwardly to the floor. "I'm just way too drunk right now, I need to sober up" So he asks the barman for a coffe, he drinks it up and 30 minutes later he tries to stand up, but again, falling to the floor, this time, even harder. At this point he realizes he needs to get home no matter what, so he starts crawling towards his house. After 40 minutes he gets there, lays down next to his (asleep) wife and passes out. The next morning his wife wakes him up and starts shouting at him: -So… how was last night, huh? Was it fun drinking all day? The man is 100% sure his wife was asleep when he got home so he tries to play it cool: -Not really, just hanging with some coworkers… we didn't drink much… just a couple of beers. The woman starts nodding sarcastically and responds: -The bar owner called this morning, your wheelchair's there, you dumbfuck.
Did you know that a group of crows is called a murder?
Well, technically it’s only a murder if there’s probable caws.
If sounding my B’s as V’s makes me Russian
Then Soviet
Why was 6 afraid of 7?
Because 7 is a registered 6 offender.
Why don’t you ever see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they’re good at it.
