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So you can Scandinavian.
He throws a cigarette off the boat and the boat becomes…a cigarette lighter
A cop sees an old woman carrying two large sacks. One of the sacks has a hole and is leaking 20 dollar bills. The cop asks the woman, “Where did an old lady like you get all of that money?” She replies, “Well, there’s a golf course behind my house and when golfers need to go to the bathroom, they stick their penis through a hole in my fence and pee into my yard. It became a problem because it kills the flowers.” The cop asks, “So what did you do about it?” The old lady says, “I get my hedge clippers and I wait behind the fence. When a golfer sticks his penis through the fence, I grab ahold of it and shout GIVE ME $20 OR IT COMES CLEAN OFF!” “That seems fair enough,” the cop says, “so what’s in the other sack?” The old lady replies with, “Not everyone pays…”
Trouble is, none of them work.
I wasn't putting in enough shifts
it was dead
It's a vicious cycle…
To the dock.
You will have the rest of your life to try and fix it.
It’s my ankle.
In 2015 we ate over 74 million bananas and only 6 monkeys.
It's working perfectly. They're in their mid-forties and still don't know.
They found Himalayan in the street!
It’s an extremely rare dish order.
Guess who came crawling back
then it is on the right foot
We roleplayed as doctor and patient, and I was in the waiting room for 2 hours and 58 minutes.
Turns out people don’t like it when you go the extra mile for them.
and not a pop quiz?
I’m longing to become a Petty Officer.
You would think it'd be ARR and B, but it turns out he's very into hip hop.
Because they are above the law.
Which side of the mic the depressed people are on.
A prick I’m deeply sorry
I love Harry Potter but after re-reading the chapter the death-day party I realized something about nearly headless nick
He was a very poorly executed character
Then you’ll get a, “Super Cali-Flagger Dipstick Expert Diagnosis!"
I thought, there is no way they're going to fit in a bowl of soup…
Every morning for the past six months, I announce loudly to my family that I’m going for a jog, and then I don’t.
It’s my longest running joke of this year.
I just don’t know why.
And then it clicked.
at a table a few feet away from me sneezed and her glass eye came out and I caught it. I handed it back to her and she popped it in and said thank you. She was a beautiful woman. Gorgeous face stunning body and a beautiful smile to boot. The woman of my dreams right in front of me. A few moments pass by and she comes up to me and asks for my number and I looked around the room. Surely she must’ve been mistaken. I said “ who me?!!!?” She said “yes of course you. I don’t usually do this kind of thing but you just sort of caught my eye.”
He's a seasoned veteran.
"Where did you get that car?"He calmly told them, "I bought it today." "With what money!?" demanded his parents. "We know what a Porsche costs." "Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars." The parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars!?" they asked. "It was the lady up the street," said the boy. "Don't know her name — they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars." "Oh my goodness!" moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on." So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting flowers. He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche to for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it. "Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but I learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary. Then apparently she stole all his money and stranded him there! Well he called me, without a dollar to his name, and asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So that's exactly what I did."
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i'd have to change my name
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