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Why do Navy ships have barcodes on them?
So you can Scandinavian.
There’s a guy on boat with two cigarettes and nothing else. How does he light one?
He throws a cigarette off the boat and the boat becomes…a cigarette lighter
A cop sees an old woman carrying two sacks…
A cop sees an old woman carrying two large sacks. One of the sacks has a hole and is leaking 20 dollar bills. The cop asks the woman, “Where did an old lady like you get all of that money?” She replies, “Well, there’s a golf course behind my house and when golfers need to go to the bathroom, they stick their penis through a hole in my fence and pee into my yard. It became a problem because it kills the flowers.” The cop asks, “So what did you do about it?” The old lady says, “I get my hedge clippers and I wait behind the fence. When a golfer sticks his penis through the fence, I grab ahold of it and shout GIVE ME $20 OR IT COMES CLEAN OFF!” “That seems fair enough,” the cop says, “so what’s in the other sack?” The old lady replies with, “Not everyone pays…”
I have like 50 jokes about the unemployed
Trouble is, none of them work.
I was fired from the keyboard factory today
I wasn't putting in enough shifts
Why did the Monkey fall out of the tree?
it was dead
Every single morning I get hit by the same bike…
It's a vicious cycle…
Where do boats go when they feel sick?
To the dock.
If you’re ever skydiving and your parachute fails to open, don’t panic.
You will have the rest of your life to try and fix it.
I don’t always roll a joint but when I do…
It’s my ankle.
Humans eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2015 we ate over 74 million bananas and only 6 monkeys.
What do storm troopers and churches have in common?
Pew-Pew-Pew-Pew-Pew
I sent this to my mom and she really liked it. Thanks boomer comic artists :)
https://ift.tt/2MOn701
I’m secretly a billionaire but I’m raising my kids as lower middle-class to not spoil them.
It's working perfectly. They're in their mid-forties and still don't know.
Did you hear about the hit and run in Nepal?
They found Himalayan in the street!
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.
It’s an extremely rare dish order.
My girlfriend dumped me so I stole her wheelchair
Guess who came crawling back
If you put your left shoe on the wrong foot
then it is on the right foot
I had sex for 3 hours last night…
We roleplayed as doctor and patient, and I was in the waiting room for 2 hours and 58 minutes.
I just got fired from my job as a taxi driver…
Turns out people don’t like it when you go the extra mile for them.
Why is it called a paternity test
and not a pop quiz?
I’m going to join the Navy purely out of spite
I’m longing to become a Petty Officer.
What is a pirate’s favorite type of music?
You would think it'd be ARR and B, but it turns out he's very into hip hop.
Why don’t airline pilots get speeding tickets?
Because they are above the law.
What is the difference between standup comedy, and motivational speaking?
Which side of the mic the depressed people are on.
What do you call a rude cactus?
A prick I’m deeply sorry
I love Harry Potter but after re-reading the chapter the death-day party I realized something about nearly headless nick
He was a very poorly executed character
When you’re in California, make sure your mechanic uses a state flag to check your oil…
Then you’ll get a, “Super Cali-Flagger Dipstick Expert Diagnosis!"
This morning, my wife dragged me around the store looking at futons…
I thought, there is no way they're going to fit in a bowl of soup…
Every morning for the past six months, I announce loudly to my family that I’m going for a jog, and then I don’t.
It’s my longest running joke of this year.
I’m friends with 25 letters of the alphabet.
I just don’t know why.
What does America have that Canada doesn’t?
Nice neighbors.
I couldn’t figure out how to fasten my seatbelt
And then it clicked.
Dogs can’t operate MRI scanners.
But Catscan.
I was at a local bar when a woman
at a table a few feet away from me sneezed and her glass eye came out and I caught it. I handed it back to her and she popped it in and said thank you. She was a beautiful woman. Gorgeous face stunning body and a beautiful smile to boot. The woman of my dreams right in front of me. A few moments pass by and she comes up to me and asks for my number and I looked around the room. Surely she must’ve been mistaken. I said “ who me?!!!?” She said “yes of course you. I don’t usually do this kind of thing but you just sort of caught my eye.”
My grandfather says he survived mustard gas and pepper sprays during war.
He's a seasoned veteran.
A fifteen-year-old came home with a Porsche, and his parents began to yell and scream
"Where did you get that car?"He calmly told them, "I bought it today." "With what money!?" demanded his parents. "We know what a Porsche costs." "Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars." The parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars!?" they asked. "It was the lady up the street," said the boy. "Don't know her name — they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars." "Oh my goodness!" moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on." So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting flowers. He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche to for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it. "Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but I learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary. Then apparently she stole all his money and stranded him there! Well he called me, without a dollar to his name, and asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So that's exactly what I did."
I know someone who talks like an owl
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To be frank…
i'd have to change my name
The average person is really mean
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