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I was shocked but he wasn't
A: Look for footprints in the butter. Q: How do you tell there are 2 elephants hiding in your refrigerator? A: You can hear them fighting for room. Q: How do you tell there are 3 elephants in your refrigerator? A: There's more no room for the butter. Q: How do you tell there are 4 elephants in your refrigerator? A: You need a fork lift to move it. Q: You're in an airplane that's running out of fuel much more quickly than expected and is going to crash. What does the pilot throw out to save the plane? A: Your refrigerator. Q: Greg and Rich were playing their weekly game of chess. Greg always wins, but this time Rich was so close. He sat there thinking, and thinking, and thinking, trying to find an opening. He thought for so long that he died, and Greg won. How did Rich die? A: A refrigerator fell on him. Q: The Lion King called a huge meeting and demanded that all the animals come. There were the cheetahs, antelope, wildebeests, rattle snakes, hippopotamus, literally almost everyone one was there for the big meeting. But they couldn't start because there was one animal missing. Who was is? A: The elephants, because they were in your refrigerator. Q: Your walking across a desert when you come to a big river. You are so hungry that you're about to faint, but you can see several fruit trees full of fruit on the other side. There's an old bridge across the river, but it has a sign that says "Bridge closed due to snake infestation." Along the river there are also signs that say "Warning: Crocodiles – no swimming." How do you get across the river? A: Just take the bridge. All the animals are at the Lion King's meeting. Just some absurd jokes from my childhood 😉
…but the working conditions were shocking
Bless her, she thinks I'm digging a pond.
because y'all keep ignoring me
I scare everyone in the car I'm driving
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Husband says to his wife that he is going golfing. She gets upset because she thought they would spend the day together.
Husband: "honey just give me the day I need to relieve some stress. Besides You don't even golf." Wife: "I want to learn and besides it's something we can do together." The husband begrudgingly accepts his wife request and they go to the golf course. On the first tee the husband drives it 300 yards, dead center. The wife tries it and slices it right into a huge window of a huge house on the side of the course. Husband says "ah shit. Ok let's go pay for this window The couple arrives at the front door of the broken window house and rings the doorbell. A very well dressed man answers the door, "Can I help you?" Husband: "Hi we're the ones that broke the window, are you the owner of the house?" Well dressed man: "oh no I am only the butler. Master is in the other room, follow me. The couple follows the butler through the massive entry and into a wondrous library. In the center of which sits the master, staring intently at a vase that was broken, quite clearly by the golf ball. Husband: "oh I am so sorry. My wife, you see, is learning golf. She didn't mean to.." The master interrupts in an understanding tone "haha oh its alright. You see I'm a genie and I was trapped in that vase for the last several hundred years. But you released me by breaking it. As you know genies grant 3 wishes. But since you did break the window I will save the third for myself, leave 1 each for you both. Madame would you like to go first?" Wife: "uh I want lots of money…." "Done." Interrupts the master, " I'll also make it theft proof, fire proof, and infinite. Anytime you need money no matter the amount, it will be in your account." Wife: "oh my goodness thank you so much!" "You're turn", says the the master looking at the husband. Husband: "I'd like a beautiful home in ever country." Master: "and you shall have it. Complete with protection from all the elements and a staff to maintain it and look after you when you stay." Husband: " Jesus! thank you so much!" Master: "not a problem. As for my wish, well I have been trapped in that vase for so long and all the while without a woman. I am sorry but my wish is to have sex with your beautiful wife." Husband to wife: "I don't know honey. I mean he did give us all of those houses and an unlimited amount of money. You know how I feel about cheating but this seems different." Wife: "yeah I agree. I'm not thrilled about it but I get where he is coming from. Okay I'll do it" The Master is thrilled and wisks the wife upstairs where they have loud, wall banging sex for hours on end. Finally after all that time the master comes down in only his underwear and his unbuttoned dress shirt. He grabs a cup of water and drinks the whole thing. The master then asks the nearby husband, " if you don't mind me asking how old are you and your wife?" Husband: " well I'm 32 and she is 34, why do you ask?" Master: "just curious as to how you guys still believe in genies…..
They will tell you.
Paddy says, "Me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs and get me slippers?" "No bother," he says, and he runs upstairs and there are Paddy's two stunningly beautiful 19 year old twin daughters sat on their beds. "Hello there girls, your dad sent me up here to fuck ya both." "Fuck off you liar!" "I'll prove it," Murphy says. So he shouts down the stairs, "Both of them, Paddy?" "Of course, what's the use of fucking one?"
Einstein, Newton, and Pascal decide to play hide-and-seek. Einstein is “It,” closes his eyes, counts to 10, and then opens them.
Pascal is nowhere to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He's sitting in a box drawn on the ground, a meter to one side. Einstein says, "Newton, you're terrible, I've found you!" Newton says, "No no, no. You've found one Newton per square meter. You've found Pascal!"
When I got home from work I found two turds in my toilet. I know for a fact when I left there were three.
I told her I was afraid that Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
it was very time consuming
You hang around here, I’ll go on ahead.
I’ve never met herbivore.
So I packed my stuff and right.
They rub it, and a genie appears. "I have three wishes, so I'll give one to each of you," the genie announces. The first dinosaur thinks hard. "Alright," he says, "I'll have a big, juicy, piece of meat." Instantly, the biggest, juiciest piece of meat he'd ever seen appears in front of him. Not to be outdone, the second dinosaur thinks even harder. "I know! I'll have a shower of meat!" Immediately, huge pieces of meat rain down around him. The third dinosaur, certainly not to be outdone, thinks harder than the previous dinosaurs. "I've got it!" he cries, "I want a MEATIER shower!"
To be honest even I dont know u choose
I understand, she is deadly allergic to nuts.
Nothing, they’re free of charge.
Authorities have been working tirelessly to catch him.
The only joke there was me, so you can imagine how bad it was.
A farmer quickly purchased land in a low lying depression, and began raising donkeys there. He did so with skill, and the donkeys rarely got away.
In other words, he hauled ass to amass asses in a hole asset, whole-ass not half-ass, lassoed the asses so they wouldn't by pass the ass hole.