Another gem from the garden centre. This time it’s about vegan beefeaters.
He said he tried it once while in college, but it was so bad that he hasn't got the balls to try it again.
Its what they call Ninjary time.
Me: Of course. Holy shit, I had no idea we were that close.
When the punch line is a parent
I’ll see you next month
I thought it was a nice Jester.
…has only made me stronger.
So I packed my stuff up and right
In retrospect, I think my addiction just got out of hand.
He thinks that I'm paranoid. He didn't say it, but I know he's thinking it.
He said: ‘dad, can’t you just use a sponge?’
I was fired immediately.
He said, “You don’t seem to have much of a case.”
"My birthday is next week. I want something shiny and new that goes from 0 – 300 in 2 seconds." So her husband bought her a bathroom scale.
My wife has been missing for a week. The police called me and said to prepare for the worst. So I went back to Goodwill and bought all her clothes back.
Wife: "How could you do this to me?!" Husband : "what did I do?" Wife: " You slept with my sister, you bastard!" Husband : "Well, when I went to work she was lying naked on my table and you know she's an attractive woman, what did you expect me to do?" Wife: "The fucking autopsy."
I was just sitting around doing nothing.
1 "you believe in Santa Claus" 2 "you dont believe in Santa Claus" 3 "you ARE Santa Claus" 4 "you LOOK like Santa Claus"
But now I stand corrected
They're lo mein tenants.
One minute you’re on a roll And the next minute, you’re taking shit from some asshole
I have no idea why he wants an ex box
I mean… how low can you get!
1. 2. 3.
There were two finalists – one from the most prestigious university in the country, the other a country bumpkin from out West. They were each given 20 seconds to compose a poem about Timbuktu. Up steps the university student and he goes: "On the lonely desert sands, Crossed a lonely caravan. Men on camels, Two by two. Destination, Timbuktu." The crowd went wild – amazing for 20 seconds. Then it's the country bumpkin's turn: "Tim and I Off hunting went. Found three girls In a pop up tent. They were three, And we were two So I bucked one And Tim buck two."