Another gem from the ‘politicalhumor’ sub
Why is every gender equality officer female?
Because it's cheaper that way.
Shout out to the guy that makes these sausages
In my heart, he'll always be a wiener
I was told to post this here
this here
A century ago, two brothers insisted that it was possible to fly…
and as you can see, they were Wright.
There was an old professor who started every class with a vulgar joke.
After one particularly nasty example, the women in the class decided to walk out the next time he started. The professor got wind of this plot, so the next morning he walked in and said, “Good morning, class. Did you hear the one about the shortage of whores in India?” With that, all the women stood up and headed for the door. “Wait, ladies,” cried the professor, “The boat doesn't leave until tomorrow!”
Two windmills are standing in a field. Wanting to pass the time in conversation one turns to the other and asks “What kind of music do you like?”
The second turns and says: "I am a big metal fan."
I can’t believe I got arrested for impersonating a politician…
I was just sitting around doing nothing.
An Irish Daughter…
An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her father cursed her. Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru? The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff….dad….I became a prostitute…." "Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family." "OK, dad– as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for $5 million." "For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club….(takes a breath)….and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and…." Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says dad. Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff….a prostitute dad! Sniff, sniff." "Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old man a hug.
During a visit to a mental asylum, a visitor asked the director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized?
"Well," he said, "we fill up a bath, then offer a spoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bath." "I understand," he replied. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon and the teacup." "No," replied the director. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
Satan was really mad when he went bald.
There was hell toupee.
I find it strange how everyone suddenly cares about straws killing dolphins…
…because they've been breaking camels' backs for years.
My boss hates it when I shorten his name to Dick
Mostly because his name is Steve
What if the real reason aliens don’t visit us is because…
…we're a one star planet?
You know what’s really boring?
Digging giant tunnels underground.
AveryTech Company
This is the most advanced and comfortable gaming desk on the planet. It even has power and usb outlets in the drawers and cabinets and the entire surface supports wireless fast charging. It uses our own patented one-of-a-kind power cable with-built in backup battery to deliver completely uninterupted charging and power. This amazing desk starts at just $199.Legs and power cable sold separately at two thousand dollars each.6 months later: Unfortunately we will be ending support for this desk.
The greatest Schrodinger punchline…
or maybe not.
I’m really sad that someone stole my front door.
I need closure.
Asked my mum “How much is a couple?” “2 or 3” she replied.
…probably explains why her marriage collapsed
What does Alexander the Great have in common with Winnie the Pooh?
Same middle name.
I think my family is racist
I've been nervous for weeks, but I finally decided to introduce them to my Spanish girlfriend My kids refused to talk to her and my wife started crying and told me to pack my things
My wife is pregnant and my doctor asked me if I had ever been present at childbirth before….
I replied, "Yes just once." The doctor asked, "What was it like?" I said, "It was dark, then suddenly very bright."
I got my best friend a fridge for his birthday
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it
I’ve come to the realization that suicide would solve all my problems…
… if I could just get the right people to try it.
What do u call a zombie that writes music?
A decomposer
“I’m sorry but your wife didn’t make it,” A doctor said as he handed a man his newborn baby.
The man handed the baby back to the doctor. "Then bring me the one my wife did make."
If you boil a funny bone
It becomes a laughing stock
I just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
I'll let you know.
I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me 😁
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How much does a pirate pay for corn?
A buccaneer.
Did you hear about the guy with a fruit fetish?
He's fucking bananas.
