Another one from r/PewdiepieSubmissions…
I used to date a girl who was lactose intolerant.
We broke up because she couldn’t stomach my cheesy jokes.
You know what they say about a guy with big feet
They say "Sorry sir we don't have your shoe size"
Emojis, millennials, stick shift, and cursive? Check, check, check and check.
https://ift.tt/2wQ2VWA
What goes with the Coronavirus?
Lyme Disease
Serve alcohol at a party and nobody bats an eye
But serve laxatives and everybody loses their shit
Why did the bee get married?
Because he found his honey.
The Little Old Lady At Service (not mine)
Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?" 80% held up their hands. The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one small elderly lady. "Mrs. Jones?" "Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?" "I don't have any." She replied, smiling sweetly. "Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?" "Ninety-eight." she replied. "Oh Mrs. Jones, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?" The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said: "I outlived the bitches."
Unlike Fathers day, Son day is celebrated every week
No text found
What do you call a crowd-sourced internet database for turntables?
Wiki-Wiki-Wikipedia
I’ve heard so much about the “Eye Of The Tiger”, but how come no one talks about…
…the other four letters?
A limbo champion walked into a bar.
He was disqualified.
Tough to be Irish
"What's your name?", asked the teacher. "Mohammad," he replied. "You're in Ireland now," replied the teacher, "So from now on you will be known as Mike. " Mohammad returned home after school. "How was your day, Mohammad?", his mother asked. "My name is not Mohammad. I'm in Ireland and now my name is Mike”. "Are you ashamed of your name? Are you trying to dishonor your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you!" And his mother beat the shit out of him. Then she called his father, who beat the shit out of him again. The next day Mohammad returned to school. The teacher saw all of his fresh bruises. "What happened to you, Mike?", she asked. "Well shortly after becoming an Irishman, I was attacked by two fucking Arabs."
Here is a piece of cucumber and Monster energy, go nuts!
Here is a piece of cucumber and Monster energy, go nuts!
A Russian enters a bar full of Turkish people.
He's wearing a t-shirt with bright lettering "Turkish got 3 problems." Just a few seconds later the Turkishs oppose him and say "Hey, yopu know what you're wearing is insulting?" The russian responds: "This is your first problem: You're so easily offended." The Turkish respond: "Okay, maybe we should settle this outside." The Russian: "That's your second problem: You always want to solve your problems with violence." The Turkish bring him outside and pull their knives. The Russian: "And here's your third problem. You always bring knives to gun fights."
In my career as a lumberjack, I cut down exactly 82,546 trees.
I know, because I kept a log.
What’s the difference between a seal and a sea lion?
One electron.
What do you call a catholic toaster strudel?
A pope tart.
Why is dark spelt with a K and not a C?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
I asked a French man if he played videogames
He said "wii"
How did the farmer find his daughter?
He tractor
A Nazi walks into a bar…
A Nazi walks into a bar, looks around, and notices an older orthodox Jewish man seated at a nearby table. Barman, he says, "A round on me, for all your patrons, but not for the old Jewish geezer right there." As everyone in the bar receives their drinks, he looks directly at the Jew with a nasty little smile. Surprisingly the Jew nods his head and sends a warm smile back. The Nazi is somewhat miffed, as this was not the reaction he expected. So he goes back to the bar "Barman, a second round for everyone but him, and this time take it all from the top shelf" Nazi looks again at the Jew, and notices that he is STILL smiling back, and even warmer than before "Is that Jew a complete fool or what?" he asks the barman Bartender responds: "Oh no my generous friend, that gentleman is my boss and the owner of the bar"
My wife says if this post gets over 1000 upvotes, I can get anal.
Please upvote because I want this house to be spotless.
A guy with flame tattoo sleeves walks into a building.
Security stops him and says there are no firearms allowed in this building.
It takes guts
To be an organ donor
How to 69
A woman promises to teach her boyfriend what 69ing is. He lies down on the floor and she squats down over his face to assume the position and farts. Embarrassed she stands up and apologises. She squats down for another go but farts again, she gets up and apologises again. Before she can have a third go, her boyfriend gets up and goes to walk out saying “yeah this isn’t really for me, I’m not having 67 more of those in my face”
A woman who is 3 months pregnant falls into a deep coma. Six months later she awakes, and asks the doctor about her baby…
Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl, they’re both fine. Luckily, your brother was here to name them for you Woman: Oh no! Not my brother, he’s an idiot! What did he name the girl? Doctor: Denise Woman: Well that isn’t so bad, and what did he name the boy? Doctor: Denephew EDIT: Wow, thanks for the silver kind stranger!
What do you call a black guy flying a plane?
A pilot, you racist
I’ve got an injured extraterrestrial in my garage and he’s missing an eye…
I've named him Alen.