Another one from the facebook
I noticed 2 large bumps on my car battery.
I had them tested and one came back positive. Google says it’s terminal.
Dads are like Boomerangs
I hope
If I was addicted to masturbation, and then became addicted to sex…
Would it be safe to say that my addiction got out of hand?
What kind of bird is always in pain?
The oooowwwwwwwwwwl
I tripped in France
Eiffel over
Why Don’t Roofers Like Getting Married?
Because they prefer the shingle life!
My dad’s boomer friend just posted this. Wife bad. Must kill. Then maybe grill.
https://ift.tt/2KJT4VX
So a group of nuns is golfing near some men
A man swings his club and fails to hit the ball. Man: God damnit, I missed. A nun shakes her head in disapproval. The man swings again and misses yet again Man: Damnit, I missed again! Nun: Sir, if you keep on swearing like that, you're gonna go to hell. The man then laughs and dismisses the nun's comment. He makes one more attempt at hitting the ball, but to no avail. Man: God fucking damnit! The sky then goes dark, a lightning bolt strikes the nun, and you can hear a thundery voice say, "God damnit, I missed."
Pun enters a room and kills 10 people.
Pun in, ten dead.
I ordered some glue online using Amazon, but it hasn’t arrived yet.
It’s probably stuck in the mail.
I walked in on my girlfriend having sex with her personal trainer.
Me: "Ok, this isn't working out."
Do you remember what happened in 1997?
No Biggie.
An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?' The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, Given that you are blind, that you should know five things: The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat. The bouncer is a blonde girl. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler. Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?' The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'Nah I don't think it'll be funny if I'll have to explain it five times'.
A limbo champion walked into a bar.
He was disqualified.
You know how the Canary islands is a misnomer, since there’s no canaries? It’s the same with the Virgin Islands
There's no canaries there either
My obese parrot died yesterday.
I should be upset but it’s a huge weight off my shoulder.
My grandfather warned people that the Titanic would sink.
No one listened, but he kept on warning them nonetheless until they got sick of him and kicked him out the movie theater.
Every night I tell my wife I’m going out for a jog, but I don’t go, and she knows it
It’s a running joke.
What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer?
Quacks in the pavement.
You can’t take a photo of a man with a wooden leg.
You really need a camera
My last relationship ended because I didn’t open the car door for her.
Instead I just swam for the surface.
Spoiler alert:
It makes the trunk of the car look better
What did Helen Keller say when she put down the cheese grater?
That was the most violent book I've ever read.
Her: “Undress me with your words.”
Him: "There's a spider in your bra."
Why do astronomers put beef in their shampoo?
For meatier showers
I asked my mom “How much is a couple?”
"2 or 3" she replied. That probably explains why her marriage failed.
How do snowmen like to travel?
By icicle!
I’m sick of people banging on my door and asking my if I have found Jesus
It wasn't my turn to watch him, and to be frank, if you didn't want to lose him you should have used bigger nails.
A woman in labour suddenly shouted, “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!”
"Don't worry," said the doctor. "Those are just contractions."
![[U]nder[s]tandabl[e] love[l]y r[e]action[s] meme[s]](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/05/3opa3h3ekny41-400x568.jpg)
My book on clocks finally arrived
It’s about time!
What do you call a 25 cent hooker?
A quarter pounder.
What do you call friends you eat with?
Taste buds.
A horse walks into a bar…
The bartender said “Hey”, then the horse “you read my mind buddy.”
My wife was furious at me for kicking ice-cubes all over the kitchen…
But now it’s just water under the fridge…
Held the door open for a clown the other day
Thought it was a nice jester
