Another Phone Bad haha. This artist is a gold mine.
Sitting on the highway waiting to catch speeders, a state police officer saw a car puttering along at 22 MPH.
He thinks to himself, that car is just as dangerous as a speeder. So, he turns his lights on and pulls the car over. Approaching the car, he notices there are 5 old ladies, two at the front and 3 at the back, wide eyed and looking like ghosts. The driver obviously confused said, "Officer, I don't understand, I wasn't doing over the speed limit!, What seems to be the problem?" "Ma'am," the officer said, "you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be dangerous". "Slower than the speed limit? NO SIR! I was doing exactly 22 miles an hour", the old woman said proudly. The officer containing a chuckle explains that 22 was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned, thanking the officer for pointing out her error. "Before I go Ma'am, I have to ask, is everyone OK? These women seem badly shaken and haven't uttered a word all this time" "Oh! they will be alright in a minute, Officer, we just got off Route 142."
Old Turkish joke
One day Temel, the truck driver, while driving down a hill realizes that his brakes are not working. The truck is going faster and faster, until he reaches an intersection. Temel looks around. On his right, there is a child; on his left, there is a bazaar with more than 100 people. As a “clever” man, Temel chooses to drive towards the child instead of the bazaar. However, the next day, newspaper headlines read “TEMEL DROVE HIS TRUCK INTO THE BAZAAR, 40 KILLED, 35 INJURED”. They ask Temel: “How come you commit such an act?” Temel answers: “Everything happened when the child started to run towards the bazaar”.
The Wood Glue I just bought doesn’t stick.
I guess I got the wouldn't glue instead.
My Father thinks this is funny as hell. I need to leave the family WhatsApp group.
https://ift.tt/2Vbtvl6
If you see a Spanish person tell them “mucho”
It means a lot to them
It was easy to stop girls from eating Tide Pods.
It was harder to deter gents.
“Has your dog got a name?”
"Yes," I replied. "It's called a Labrador."
Today is national peanut butter day.
Spread the news
Why is dark spelt with a k and not a c?
Because you can't see in the dark.
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When the punchline becomes apparent.
What do you call a fat psychic?
A 4-chin-teller
A man is walking to his car late at night
When he sees a woman on a shady corner. He goes up to ask if she's alright and she responds "I'm a hooker, are you interested?" The man decides to live a little and takes her up on her offer and they go back to his car and go at it like rabbits. Some time during, a cop pulls up and knocks on the window. "Excuse me sir what exactly are you doing?" The man answers "I'm having sex with my wife" The cop replies with "I apologize, I didn't know." The man responds with "Me neither until you shined that flashlight"
Want to hear a joke about paper?
Nevermind it's tearable.
James Somerton explains why he made a second “apology” video.
James Somerton explains why he made a second “apology” video.
[First day as a rookie cop.]
Me: Dispatch, suspect is dancing down Main street, completely nude. Dispatch: Copy that. Me: Well I'll try but I'm not much of a dancer.
A girl saw her boyfriend flirting with other girls at the gym
She walked up to him and said this isn’t working out.
Someone’s going to have to put an end to this Epstein meme craze.
Cause it’s not gonna kill itself.
Why was Yoda afraid of 7?
Because 6, 7 8…
The supermarket cashier asked if I wanted to donate food to Africa to help solve world hunger.
I said, "no thanks. World hunger will be solved a lot faster if we stop feeding them."
You’ll never hear a Hindu tell a Yo Mamma joke…
They consider cows to be sacred.
Co-worker got a new drill and another co-worker responded, “Oh man, he’s got a gun!”
The followed response, "Guys calm down, it's just a drill."
I met my boyfriend while visiting the zoo. There he was, in his uniform…
straightaway I knew he was a keeper
Interactive joke
There was a man who lived in a 3 story house. Remember: 3 stories. The man entered the house and saw his wife making an omelette. He told her "You're supposed to use butter, not oil." Immediately the wife slapped him and said "Who's cooking? Me or or you?" The man went up to the second story and saw his son playing a video game. He told him "You're doing it wrong, you're supposed to-" but the son slapped him, saying "Who's playing? Me or you?" Then he went to the third story and saw his daughter doing homework, and told her "this is the wrong answer" and the daughter slapped him, saying "Who's doing homework? Me or you?" Finally, the man went up to the fourth story. (At this point, hopefully your listener would say "but you said there were only 3 stories!" at which poing you slap him/her and say "Who's telling the joke? Me or you?")
You may be young enough to understand tech, but damn that’s a boomer tier joke
https://ift.tt/39ET2Jk
If u sit in the toilet to take a poop at 11:58pm and your still there till 12:03 am
Is it The same shit different day?
Two Students from Asia Came to My High School.
They were twins, a guy, Ving, and a girl, Ling. Ving is in my math class, and the dude is like a math wiz. I’m really struggling, so I ask Ving if he’d give me a hand on the homework. Ving says yeah, he just wants me to do him a favor. I’m like yeah sure what? He asks me to drive him to the city hall after school. He says he wants to change his name to something more American. I’m like alright dude! So after school I’m driving Ling and Ving to the city hall, and Ling is totally giving Ving the cold shoulder. I’m like what’s the deal and Ving explains that his name has been passed down for generations, and Ling is totally pissed that he’d disrespect his ancestry by changing it. So then we get to the city hall and wait in line for a super long time. Finally it’s our turn and Ving tells me he’s picked “Lee” as his American name. He steps up to the desk and starts filling out some paperwork, and the whole time Ling is scolding him about the ancestry shit, blah blah. Then it’s time for Ving to sign his name and seal the deal, but suddenly his eyes well up with tears and he says that he can’t do it. Shittttt man, that ancestry shit runs deeeep. The lady at the desk is like ok, but Ving has to pay a small fee to cancel his request. Argh, stupid small town laws, Ling groans as she opens up her purse and starts sifting around for cash. Suddenly, out of nowhere, some Asian guy bursts through the town hall doors. “DAD!” Ling and Ving exclaim. He looked at them and cried, “Don’t stop! Be Lee, Ving. Hold on to that fee, Ling!”