Another piece of high resolution quality memes from the instagram explore page
Dads are like boomerangs
I hope
Dracula told me to bow in his presence, you could say I was…
Down for the count
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
I know it's hard to believe, but I saw it with my own two eyes.
Why did Stalin only write in lowercase?
He was afraid of capitalism.
I was feeling lonely, so i bought some shares.
It's much nicer having some company.
I’m reading a horror book in Braille.
Something bad is going to happen. I can feel it.
I got a bar installed into my roof.
Just so whenever I have guests I can say "drinks are on the house".
A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.
A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet." He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?" Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other. She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine." The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very, closely: "Are – my – test – results – back?"
So I told my friend that this guy that hosted a party had a golden toilet
He didn't believe me one bit. So we went to the guy's house and when the door opened, it was his mother. We asked if I could show my friend your golden toilet because he doesn't believe it. She looked at me for a while, then shouted back into the house, "Rick, the guy who shit in your trumpet is here!"
There once was a man from Nantucket
Who brought home a goat in a bucket His wife said “is that dinner?” He said “No, I’m a sinner” And took it up stairs to fuck it.
I for one am a fan of Roman numerals
No text found
How are you going to plant any flowers
If you haven’t botany?
Why did Costco stop selling 5 gallon jars of pickles?
shelving them was cucumbersome
I found out that missing eyebrows is an odd genetic trait in our family.
Dad didn't look surprised when I told him.
Told my son to stop playing Russian roulette, but you know how it is with kids…
In one ear, out the other.
What did one lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire ?
“Same time next month?”
I know global warming is bad
but wouldn't it be kinda funny if dinosaurs made humans go extinct?
A man and a woman are standing in an elevator. The woman suddenly asks “Is having a penis nice?”
The man laughed and said “Eh, it has its ups and downs.”
An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She’s chatting with St. Peter at the pearly gates when all of a sudden she hears the most bloodcurdling screams.
"Don't worry about that," says St. Peter, "it's only someone having the holes put into her shoulder blades for wings." The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation. Ten minutes later, there are more loud and dreadful screams "Oh my God," says the old lady, "now what is happening?" "Not to worry," says St. Peter, "She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo." "I can't do this," says the old lady, "I'm going to hell." "You can't go there," says St. Peter. "You'll be raped and sodomized." "Maybe so," says the old lady, "but I've already got the holes for that. Edit : I got a gold for a joke that I repost every month. Thanks person, hope you had a chuckle.
I went to a hooker, and she kept telling me “small penis no problem, small penis no problem”
I must say I would've enjoyed it more if she had no penis at all
My wife thinks I don’t give her enough privacy.
At least that's what she said in her diary.
A Spaniard is walking through a grocery store
He spies a carton on the shelf labeled "Soy Milk" He smiles to himself and says softly "yes you are"
Dating a girl that has a child…
… it's like "Continuing" another dude's "Save File".
My teachers said I couldn’t do poetry because of my dyslexia..
But so far I’ve made two bowls and a vase.
My son asked me, “If you could have any super-power, which one would you have?”
I smiled and said, "America."
Daughter’s vibrator
A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator. What are you doing?" she exclaimed. The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband." Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on the sofa with her vibrator. "What are you doing?" he exclaimed. The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband." A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room. In there, she found her husband watching the Super Bowl on television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him. "What are you doing?" she exclaimed. He replied…………"Watching the game with my son-in-law."
Getting my toy drone stuck in a tree is not my least favorite thing.
But it’s definitely up there.
How do you tell the difference between a chemist and an electrician?
Ask them to pronounce "unionized"
What did the grape say when it got crushed?
Nothing, it just let out a little wine.
What do you call a potato wearing glasses?
A SpecTater.
I hate it when people ask where I see myself in 2 years
I don’t have 2020 vision for gods sakes quit asking me