Ant story 37!
Instead of going to the beach, many mathematicians are dividing the opposite side of a right triangle over the adjacent side
They say it's a better way to get a tan.
My girlfriend is a half-Korean
Her mom is Korean and her dad is Korean and her legs got ripped off in a car accident.
Just been in to Starbucks and the barista was wearing a face mask
I asked "Why are you wearing a surgical mask?" She said "I'm not, it's a coughy filter."
Took this pic of me today, feel free to make a meme of it
Took this pic of me today, feel free to make a meme of it
You serve alcohol at a party no one bats an eye
I serve laxatives at one and everyone loses their shit
I used to work at an unemployment office…
which sucked, because when they fired me, I still had to show up the next day.
Best knock knock joke ever..
Three brothers age 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath, puts his foot in and pauses. He yells down the stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?" The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know, I'll come up and see." He starts up the stairs and pauses, then he yells, "Was I going up the stairs or coming down?" The 92 year old was sitting at the kitchen table having coffee listening to his brothers. He shakes his head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful." He knocks on wood for good luck. He then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
Just spent $300 on a limousine and discovered that the fee doesn’t include a driver
Can't believe I've spent all that money and I have nothing to chauffeur it…
My friend looked at me and said, “That’s a nice-ass shirt you are wearing!”
I said, “Thanks, but I think we call them pants, not an ass shirt.”
Why can’t you have a nose that’s 12 inches long?
Because then it'd be a foot.
A chemist froze himself at -273°C.
People asked him if he was hurt but he said he was 0K.
What did they call the lightsaber when it was first invented?
Cutting-edge technology.
I went to the gym almost every day this week
I almost went on Monday, I almost went on Tuesday, I almost went on Wednesday, I almost went on Thursday, I almost went on Friday, I almost went on Saturday and I almost went on Sunday.
What’s better than Ted Danson?
Ted Singin and Dancin
Why did Mozart kill all his chickens?
Because when he asked them who the best composer was, they all said "Bach Bach Bach!"
What do you call a bullet proof Irishman?
Rick O'Shea
A man walks into the toy store to get a Barbie doll for his daughter. So he asks the assistant: “How much is Barbie?”
“Well,” she says. “We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00.” “Hey, hang on,” the guy asks. “Why is Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the others are only $19.95?” “Yeah, well, it’s like this, Divorced Barbie comes with Ken’s house, Ken’s car, Ken’s boat, Ken’s furniture…”
Where do man-splainers get their water?
From a well, actually
On average, a panda feeds for approximately 12 hours a day. It’s the same with humans under quarantine.
That’s why it’s called a “Pandemic”.
Why don’t women work at the post office?
It's a mail dominated industry.
What do you call a homeless man with no porridge?
A no-porridge no-home man.
The Furniture store kept calling me.
All I wanted was one night stand.
You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving
But you do need one to go skydiving twice
Whats the difference between in-laws and outlaws?
Outlaws are wanted.
A legit conversation today with my 2 1/2 year old son as we do our daily stroll past a train station that for once, has no trains stationed…
Son: Daddy, where is Thomas? Daddy: I don’t know, mate. Son: He must be working from home today. Is this his first dad joke?? Strange what they must be picking up from conversations. Got me good.
A woman dies and goes to the gates of heaven.
When she gets there, she is perplexed and confused to find everyone furiously cracking eggs, dumping flour, and mixing batter. She turns around and sees an entire section dedicated to decoration, with elaborate concoctions of strawberries, frosting, and tiering at every station. Finally, she seems to recognize someone who appears to be in charge. She runs over and asks the man, "what is going on here?" The strange man replies, "everyone here is doing their best to better their souls." Confused at the cryptic answer and curious about the strange man's traditional Mongolian garb, the woman asks him to elaborate. The Buddhist Monk replies, "my dear, having cake is the best way to gain Karma."
I’m gonna be turning my lights off this Halloween and pretending I’m not in.
Fuck the ships. My lighthouse, my rules