Anti-Wall Extremist The Kool-Aid Man Leads Campaign Against Trump

My wife and i decided we don’t want to have children!
We will be telling them tonight.
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office I will find you
You have my Word
I was getting drafted to fight in WW3
But I didn't have to go because Iran
Took a demolitions class, first day was a train-wreck.
No text found
What’s E.T. short for?
Because he’s got little legs
2 tampons are walking past each other, which one says “hi”, first.
Neither, they're both stuck up cunts.
A four-foot-tall fourtuneteller escaped from prison.
He was a small medium at large.

There was an attempt to praise Trump… and then the truth came in like a wrecking ball
https://ift.tt/2VTw39e
How do you cut the ocean in half?
With a sea saw
How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber?
Ask them to pronounce unionized.
My wife left me for an Indian guy
I know he's going to treat her well, I heard they worship cows.
Scarlett Johansson and some guy were the only survivors of a shipwreck. They didn’t know each other before the shipwreck, but he did know who she was…
At the beginning it was hard, but as time passed, this guy learnt how to provide food and shelter, he started taking care of her, and eventually she started caring about him… after all, there wasn't anybody else in the island… He eventually built a cabin, had a functioning automatic potable water supply, and all sorts of little clever commodities, all done to make her life easier… it was the most effort any man had ever done for her, and all the hard work made him fit, she noticed this… One night after some wildlife attacked and he defended her successfully, getting a few cuts in the process, she threw herself at him and they made love, after that, they were for all intents and purposes a couple with an above regular sex life. But for some reason he started drifting away, something was bothering him. And she noticed… "What's wrong?" Scarlett Johansson asked, "Nothing…" the guy would say… She pestered him for a while eventually saying she would do ANYTHING he needed or wanted to make him feel good again, just because she really cared for him a lot, and even if he wasn't asking, she felt it was the least she owed it to him… "Really?, you'll do anything I'd like?" "Yes" she said "anything!" "Ok, first i want you to take off you toga and get into this pair of work jeans that somehow washed on the shore" "Ok…" "Now put this shirt on please, but first, "tape" your boobs so they are flat" "Wha… ok, I'd say I'd do anything" she said lovingly. "Ok, now, take this hat and wear it, but tuck your hair under it" She was kinda confused, but none the less, she wanted to make him happy, so she tucked her hair under the hat. "Now I'd like for you to grab this piece of soot and paint yourself a beard and a moustache." "Ok… if this is what you want…" she muttered. "Now, please, put on these sunglasses, and start walking down the beach, I'll catch up to you in a bit", he said a bit excited… She started walking… wondering… doubting herself… just confused about what had just happened, maybe it wasn't her, maybe it was h… suddenly the guy grabs her by her shoulder turns her around and says, "DUDE!!! you won't believe who I've been fucking for the past 6 months!"
What do you call a zombie father?
The walking dad
Two guys from Michigan die and wake up in hell.
Two guys from Michigan die and wake up in hell. The next day, the devil stops to check on them and sees them dressed in parkas, mittens and bomber hats, warming themselves around the fire. The devil asks them, "What are you doing? Isn't it hot enough for you?" The two guys reply, "Well, you know, we're from Michigan, the land of ice and snow and cold. We're just happy for a chance to warm up a bit, you know." The devil decides that these two aren't miserable enough and turns up the heat. The next morning, he stops by again and there they are, still dressed in their parkas, mittens and hats. The devil asks them again, "It's awfully hot down here, can't you guys feel that?" Again, the guys reply, "Well, like we told you yesterday, we're from Michigan, the land of ice and snow and cold. We're just happy to warm up a little bit, you know." The devil gets a little steamed up and he decides to fix the two guys. He cranks the heat up as high as it will go. The people are wailing and screaming everywhere. He stops by the room with the two guys from Michigan and finds them in light jackets and hats, grilling sausage and drinking beer. The devil is astonished. "Everyone down here is in abject misery, and you seem to be enjoying yourselves." The two Michiganders reply, "Well, ya know, we don't get too much warm weather up there in Michigan, we've just got to have a cookout when the weather is this nice." The devil is absolutely furious, he can hardly see straight. Finally, he comes up with an answer. These two love the heat because they have been cold all their lives. He decides to turn all the heat in hell off. The next morning, the temperature is below zero, icicles are hanging everywhere, the people are shivering so bad, they are unable to wail, moan or gnash their teeth. The devil smiles and heads for the room with the 2 Michiganders. He finds them back in their parkas, mittens and hats. They are jumping up and down and cheering. The devil was dumbfounded. "I don't understand. When I turn the heat up, you're happy. Now it's freezing cold, and you're happy. What is wrong with you two?" The Michiganders look at the devil in surprise. "Well, don't ya know – if hell froze over, that must mean. The Lions won the Super Bowl!"
Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up?
Because it was two tired.

From a physicist: ICP is actually right about magnets
/r/juggalo/comments/g1e3nx/from_a_physicist_icp_is_actually_right_about/
My wife claims that a man in camouflage is really sexy.
I just don’t see it.
I heard a dwarf got pickpocketed. I was shocked and appalled.
How could anyone stoop so low.
RIP to longtime ‘the Price is Right’ host Bob Barker
He’s still alive, but he’s 95 years old, and I want my guess to be closest without going over.
Why is Waldo’s shirt striped
Because he doesn’t want to be spotted
I’ve just bought the personalized number plate BAA BAA…
For my black jeep…
Mom asked me why I deposited a pair of shoes into my bank account.
Me: "Well, you said my account should have a new balance. ;)"
myspacebarhasarestrainingorderagainstme
nowicanonlygotofacebookbar
Two meth heads start a relationship, is that considered speed dating
or just mething around?
Knock, knock
shouting thru door “Just leave it outside, Thank you!” (2020 update)
What does “The Sixth Sense” have in common with “Titanic”?
Icy dead people.
6:30 is the BEST time on the clock
Hands down
If a tree falls in the woods and nobody hears it
It means my illegal logging business is a success
What do Alexander the Great and Kermit the Frog have in common?
Their middle name
I just watched a program about beavers
It was the best dam program I've ever seen
My wife claims a man in camouflage is sexy
I just don't see it myself