Antreefa
A girl told me her pussy tasted like a rainbow
Found out she meant trout, not Skittles
What is the difference between a cat and a complex sentence?
A cat has claws at the end of its paws. A complex sentence has a pause at the end of its clause.
Where did captain hook buy his hook
The second hand store
I would tell you guys a joke about this girl I know who only eats greens, however
You guys probably never heard of herbivore
What do you call a horse who doesn’t listen to its’ rider?
A neigh-sayer. 😛
An Irishman goes to the doctor’s surgery …
and he says to the doctor "Top o' the morning Doc, I've got a little problem. It's a pain like, in me arse." So the doctor says "Well we'd better have a look at it. Take your trousers and pants down." After the patient assumes the position the doctor gets a rubber glove, some lubricant and starts to examine him. He can quickly feel something not quite right, and after a bit of fiddling he manages to extract a £20 note from the Irishman's bottom. "Did you know you had a £20 note stuck up there?" He asks the man. "No doc, I did not, to be sure. I do feel a little bit better, like, but still not quite right. Will you have another look for me?" So the doctor gets back to work and sure enough he finds another £20 note, and then another. After about half an hour he finally cannot feel any more banknotes. He sits down to count the money as the man puts his clothes back on. "So, how did you manage to get £1980 in used £20 notes into your bum?" "I don't rightly know doc, but I knew I wasn't feeling too grand."
I poured my root beer into a square cup…
Now I’ve just got beer…
What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot.
Why do hockey players wear so many pads?
Because they have 3 periods a game.
Did you hear about the 8 that fell over?
It took them forever to get back up.
So a guy is walking with a young girl into the woods.
Girl "It is getting dark out and I am getting scared" Man "How do you think I feel, I have to walk back alone."
Nobody’s heard from the Zamboni drivers since the NHL cancelled their season.
I'm sure they'll resurface at some point.
So President Trump wants to abolish the two term limit on the Presidency.
Welcome back President Obama we missed you.
My daughter was involved in a peekaboo related injury
She’s currently in the I.C.U
What do you call someone with no body and no nose?
…. Nobody knows.
If there’s a bee in my hand, what’s in my eye?
Beauty. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
I told the wife I could make a car out of spaghetti
You should have seen her face when I drove pasta
“They’re just doing their jobs, we don’t know what happened before the incident”
https://ift.tt/2XDVY5z
My girlfriend gets mad whenever I mess with her red wine.
So I added some fruit and lemonade to it, and now she sangria than ever.
How did early people discover wool?
By shear coincidence
At breakfast, a husband says to his wife, “I want to try doggy tonight.”
Surprisingly enough, the wife agrees. So that night, both quite excited, the husband cooks his wife a lovely dinner. After enjoying the meal they head upstairs and get into bed. The husband leans over to his wife, kisses her on the cheek and says, "night night sweet heart" The wife turns on her bedside lamp, confused, and says, "What? What about doggy?" The husband replies, "Honey, I can't believe you enjoyed it so much you want more. I'm sorry, but there's none left, I'll cook it again for you next week."
A math teacher was arrested today
In his home was a protractor, a calculator, and ruler. He was arrested for carrying weapons of math instruction.
Why is Beef a bad password
It’s not stroganoff
We’ve got a Polish sound guy
Cheque one too
What do you give a sick lemon?
Lemonaid.
What kind of concert only costs 45 cents?
A 50 Cent concert featuring Nickelback.
Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar. Every time I have pessimistic thoughts, I put a dollar in…
It’s currently half empty…
What did the Reddit user say after detonating a bomb in a bank?
Edit: Wow, this blew up! Thanks for the gold kind stranger!
What’s the difference between Jimmy Fallon and myself?
I can get through a Jimmy Fallon joke without laughing.
My 7 year old’s first comeback line
My son has asd and though he loves to read jokes and tries to understand why they are funny, introducing wit to him has been difficult. It was more of a surprise than a joke but here goes. We recently moved to India and my wife is missing outdoors and Europe and today she said – oh I really want to go to Disneyland! To which my son said- and I really want a twister! ( Ice lolly). My wife looked at him doting on his innocence and said- Baby your dreams are so simple and innocent! To which my son replied- yeah and yours probably won't come true!
The exact moment a “states rights” president claims total authority over them.
https://ift.tt/3eiMGlz
Dad hit me with this…
An Afghan, an Albanian, an Algerian, an American, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguans, an Argentine, an Armenian, an Australian, an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, a Bolivian, a Bosnian, a Brazilian, a Brit, a Bruneian, a Bulgarian, a Burkinabe, a Burmese, a Burundian, a Cambodian, a Cameroonian, a Canadian, a Cape Verdean, a Central African, a Chadian, a Chilean, a Chinese, a Colombian, a Comoran, a Congolese, a Costa Rican, a Croatian, a Cuban, a Cypriot, a Czech, a Dane, a Djibouti, a Dominican, a Dutchman, an East Timorese, an Ecuadorean, an Egyptian, an Emirian, an Equatorial Guinean, an Eritrean, an Estonian, an Ethiopian, a Fijian, a Filipino, a Finn, a Frenchman, a Gabonese, a Gambian, a Georgian, a German, a Ghanaian, a Greek, a Grenadian, a Guatemalan, a Guinea-Bissauan, a Guinean, a Guyanese, a Haitian, a Herzegovinian, a Honduran, a Hungarian, an I-Kiribati, an Icelander, an Indian, an Indonesian, an Iranian, an Iraqi, an Irishman, an Israeli, an Italian, an Ivorian, a Jamaican, a Japanese, a Jordanian, a Kazakhstani, a Kenyan, a Kittian and Nevisian, a Kuwaiti, a Kyrgyz, a Laotian, a Latvian, a Lebanese, a Liberian, a Libyan, a Liechtensteiner, a Lithuanian, a Luxembourger, a Macedonian, a Malagasy, a Malawian, a Malaysian, a Maldivan, a Malian, a Maltese, a Marshallese, a Mauritanian, a Mauritian, a Mexican, a Micronesian, a Moldovan, a Monacan, a Mongolian, a Moroccan, a Mosotho, a Motswana, a Mozambican, a Namibian, a Nauruan, a Nepalese, a New Zealander, a Nicaraguan, a Nigerian, a Nigerien, a North Korean, a Northern Irishman, a Norwegian, an Omani, a Pakistani, a Palauan, a Palestinian, a Panamanian, a Papua New Guinean, a Paraguayan, a Peruvian, a Pole, a Portuguese, a Qatari, a Romanian, a Russian, a Rwandan, a Saint Lucian, a Salvadoran, a Samoan, a San Marinese, a Sao Tomean, a Saudi, a Scottish, a Senegalese, a Serbian, a Seychellois, a Sierra Leonean, a Singaporean, a Slovakian, a Slovenian, a Solomon Islander, a Somali, a South African, a South Korean, a Spaniard, a Sri Lankan, a Sudanese, a Surinamer, a Swazi, a Swede, a Swiss, a Syrian, a Tajik, a Tanzanian, a Togolese, a Tongan, a Trinidadian or Tobagonian, a Tunisian, a Turk, a Tuvaluan, a Ugandan, a Ukrainian, a Uruguayan, a Uzbekistani, a Venezuelan, a Vietnamese, a Welshman, a Yemenite, a Zambian and a Zimbabwean all go to a nightclub ……………………………. The doorman stops them and says sorry I can’t let you in without a Thai.
Crazy ex-girlfriends are like a box of chocolates
They will kill your dog
I have a scary joke about math…
…but I am 22 to say it
Today was a terrible day. First my ex got hit by a bus.
Then I lost my job as a driver.
Two Thai girls asked me if I wanted to sleep with them.
They said it would be like winning the Lottery. To my horror they were right, we had six matching balls.
How many cooks does it take to stuff a turkey?
Only one, but you really have to squeeze them in…