Any parent would agree. Made me laugh then I realised how true it was then it made me sad

Not sure how to feel about this one

https://ift.tt/2Szxird

My friends laughed at me when I told them I had a hot date and they said she was imaginary…

Well the jokes on them – they’re imaginary too…

The world’s largest egg is laid by the Ostrich…

And the world's largest woman is laid by your dad.

Some people aren’t shaking hands because of COVID 19.

I’m not shaking hands because everyone is out of toilet paper and hand sanitizer.

My grandmother just sent me this

https://ift.tt/2SGhV0c

Chicken walks into a bar

Bartender says "Wrong joke, yours is across the road"

When do you know a joke is a dad joke?

When the punchline is a parent

Two men cut from the same cloth.

https://ift.tt/3877Ik4

The Minotaur is really stubborn….

You can say he's bull-headed.

It’s that time of year guys, have a little Christmas spirit for Christ’s sake

I had a dream that I was a muffler last night.

I woke up exhausted.

Are slash angry upvote 🤣🤣😂😂 hAHAHAHA

I got heartburn from eating my cake

The doctor told me to take the candles off next time.

Shout out to anyone who doesn’t know what the opposite of in is

No text found

Bonus points for the watermark

https://ift.tt/36NaxVN

Do you know why the say “be there or be square?”

Because you're not around.

Trump Campaign: Fake News! Donald really is Ricky Balboa.

https://ift.tt/35MWxeB

Funny because it’s ironic and Sad because corona time will never be the same again. 😭

https://ift.tt/3bhTAoM

But i want it to be true, so it must be.

https://ift.tt/3fvTop8

Classic boomers in the paper, all about the taxes!

https://ift.tt/37rcZlW

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington, DC Nothing was moving.

Suddenly, a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?" "Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress, and they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, collecting donations." "How much is everyone giving, on an average?" the driver asks. The man replies, "Roughly a gallon."

I lost my job at the bank my very first day

A woman asked me to check her balance so I pushed her over

You know why black people love watching sports?

Easy, cause they dominate that shit. It's the same reason white people watch the History Channel.

I heard you liked JSON Statham, so get ready for Array Potter

https://ift.tt/3ei6fKe

Dessert

https://ift.tt/39O6j27

How come shrimp on Broadway don’t share?

https://ift.tt/2StZDgM

What’s a pirate’s least favorite letter?

Dear sir, Your internet access has been terminated due to illegal usage. Frankly, your service provider.

Conan the legend.

You’re next!

https://ift.tt/2xU3iQn

Imaginary friend!

https://ift.tt/36H9ata

Delivered

Haha no ear

https://ift.tt/2Vw6aur

An elderly woman walked into the Royal Bank of Ireland one morning with a purse full of money.

She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money. After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office. The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, '$165,000'. The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money . The elderly woman replied that she made bets. The president was surprised and asked, 'What kind of bets?' The elderly woman replied, 'Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square.' The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that. The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, 'Would you like to take my bet?' 'Certainly', replied the president. 'I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square.' 'Done', the elderly woman answered. 'But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 ' clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness.' 'No problem', said the president of the Bank confidently. That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that way, up and down, turned it around, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet. The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly. The president was happy to oblige. The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. 'Of course', said the president. 'Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure.' The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the *lawyer was banging his head against the wall.* He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, 'Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock this morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Royal Bank of Ireland '

Got my dad with this one

Currently staying at a hotel with my dad. Next to the parking lot there’s a sign that says “pet grounds”, pointing to where you can walk your dog. My dad reads it aloud, “pet grounds”, so I say “alright then”. I crouched down, pet the grass a little bit and said, “good grounds”. Got a good laugh out of it.