Any sociopaths here?
My dad always told me “don’t be quick to find faults.”
Good Dad, terrible geologist.
I’m still single on Star Wars Day…
Apparently I’ve been looking for love in Alderaan places.
Why did the Star Wars movies come out in the order 4 5 6 1 2 3?
In charge of the sequence, Yoda was.
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– I wish I was a billionaire, just like my dad
Oh, so your dad was a billionaire? No, he also wished he were.
Two hillbillies walk into a restauarant
While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kin ya swallar?" The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, "Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head "NO". The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the food flies out of her mouth.As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I never seen nobody done it.
I’m bisexual
If i can’t get sex, I bi it
My Friend Told Me He Identifies As A Broadcasting Radio Station
I told him “You can’t be Sirius”
As I sail away from the island of lollipops…
…never to return, tears well in my eyes as I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. "So long, suckers," I whisper through trembling lips.
I don’t trust stairs
They’re always up to something
I have made myself too many places to store books.
I have no shelf control.
Grandpa died because we couldn’t figure out his blood type.
At least he told us to be positive.
What do you call a constipated detective?
No shit Sherlock
I want to be a millionaire just like my dad
He wanted to be a millionaire too
I like my women like i like my computer
Turned on On my lap Virus free
The opposite of Microsoft Office is…
Macrohard Onfire.
R.I.P Boiling water,
You will be mist.
My grandpa just walked into my room with a young guy wearing skinny jeans and eating avocado toast.
I said, “Who is this guy?” Grandpa: This is my hip replacement.
Which country has the fastest growing capital?
Ireland. It's Dublin every year.
My 6 month old son has his first milk shake today.
My wife was breastfeeding him during the earthquake.
Two men were washed ashore during World War I.
Their ship, an aging minesweeping model, had wrecked off the coast. As they sought shelter in a makeshift camp, one of them managed to salvage a radio and quickly telegraphed an SOS with their coordinates. To their surprise, a ship responded within the hour, saying it could be at their location in about two weeks. The older soldier shook his head, saying he'd rather take his chances swimming out to the wrecked ship to try and repair it. "You'd really rather play with that old mine craft all day?" the young soldier scoffed. The older man shrugged. "It's better than a fortnight."
What’s everyone doing next month?
Cause I’m not sure – I don’t have 2020 vision. You’re welcome, Dad
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance…
We’ll see about that…
What do you get when you cross an Irishman with a German?
A guy who's too drunk to follow orders.
What do you call a fat psychic?
A four-chin teller
Honestly women shouldn’t have children after 35
That'd be way too many
I went to the zoo the other day and they only had a dog.
It was a shitzu.
My friend with the lazy eye just lost his job as a teacher.
He had a real hard time controlling his pupils.
The best thing about Japanese porn is they censor it,
so I can watch it with my family.
SHE: Undress me with your words…
HE: There's a spider in your bra.
I took my 8-year old girl to the office with me on, “Take Your Kid to Work Day.” As we were walking around the office, she starting crying and getting very cranky, so I asked what was wrong with her.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed loudly, "Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said that you worked with?!"
Why didn’t the cannibal eat the guy with no legs?
He was lacktoes intolerant.
Two fish sitting in a tank
One of them turns to the other and says "How do you drive this thing?"
What rock group has 4 guys who don’t sing?
Mount Rushmore
