Any sociopaths here?
Good Dad, terrible geologist.
Apparently I’ve been looking for love in Alderaan places.
In charge of the sequence, Yoda was.
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Oh, so your dad was a billionaire? No, he also wished he were.
While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kin ya swallar?" The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, "Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head "NO". The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the food flies out of her mouth.As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I never seen nobody done it.
If i can’t get sex, I bi it
I told him “You can’t be Sirius”
…never to return, tears well in my eyes as I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. "So long, suckers," I whisper through trembling lips.
They’re always up to something
I have no shelf control.
At least he told us to be positive.
No shit Sherlock
He wanted to be a millionaire too
Turned on On my lap Virus free
You will be mist.
I said, “Who is this guy?” Grandpa: This is my hip replacement.
Ireland. It's Dublin every year.
My wife was breastfeeding him during the earthquake.
Their ship, an aging minesweeping model, had wrecked off the coast. As they sought shelter in a makeshift camp, one of them managed to salvage a radio and quickly telegraphed an SOS with their coordinates. To their surprise, a ship responded within the hour, saying it could be at their location in about two weeks. The older soldier shook his head, saying he'd rather take his chances swimming out to the wrecked ship to try and repair it. "You'd really rather play with that old mine craft all day?" the young soldier scoffed. The older man shrugged. "It's better than a fortnight."
Cause I’m not sure – I don’t have 2020 vision. You’re welcome, Dad
We’ll see about that…
A guy who's too drunk to follow orders.
A four-chin teller
That'd be way too many
It was a shitzu.
He had a real hard time controlling his pupils.
so I can watch it with my family.
HE: There's a spider in your bra.
I took my 8-year old girl to the office with me on, “Take Your Kid to Work Day.” As we were walking around the office, she starting crying and getting very cranky, so I asked what was wrong with her.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed loudly, "Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said that you worked with?!"
He was lacktoes intolerant.
One of them turns to the other and says "How do you drive this thing?"