Any Takers?
You should never date someone with a lazy eye
They might be seeing someone on the side
What does a house wear?
Address
How did glue win the marathon?
He paste himself.
What does Donald Trumps hair have in common with a thong?
They both barely cover the asshole
My neighbour and I became good friends, so we decided to rent a space together to park our cars.
We have….a lot in common.
What is Yoda’s last name?
Layheehoo!
My friend gets offended when people tell fat jokes.
I told her to lighten up.
We all know where the Big Apple is…
But does anyone know where the Minneapolis?
I crack myself up sometimes. I went grocery shopping earlier today and when I got home the wife asked “where are the mushrooms?” … without missing a beat, I said
“I couldn’t get them, there wasn’t ‘mush room’ in the trolley. “ She threw things at me
Did you hear about the new restaurant in town called Karma?
There is no menu. You get what you deserve.
My wife said she was kicking me out of the house if I didn’t stop singing Christmas songs…
I pleaded, “But baby, it’s cold outside.”
Have you ever tried to eat a clock?
It’s really time consuming.
There was this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery.
One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!" Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen". This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned. The priest said, "You have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen." The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no-one had told the new priest about the code word. Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about. Your wife fell three times this week."
When orders for acetone, benzene and methanol plummeted…
…the chemical plant became insolvent…
I was telling my wife how sometimes I feel really high and sometimes I feel really low.
"Dear, get off the swing" she said.
A man dies and goes to hell.
Once there, he finds that there is a different hell for each country, so he tries to seek out the least painful one. At the door to German Hell, he is told: "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day." He does not like the sound of that, so he checks out American Hell, Russian Hell and many more. They are all similarly gruesome. However, at Nigerian Hell a long line of people is waiting to get in. Amazed, he asks, "What do they do here?" He is told: "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the Nigerian devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day." "But that's the same as the others," says the man. "Why are so many people waiting to get in?" "Because of the power cuts, the electric chair does not work. The nails were paid for but never supplied, so the bed is comfortable. And the Nigerian devil used to be a civil servant, so he comes in, signs his time sheet and goes back home for private business.
I just made sure my son inherits our bathroom scale after I die.
Because where there’s a will, there’s a weigh.
“Hey Dad, why does Jesus wear a crown of thorns in every picture?”
“No idea. That’s a real head-scratcher.”
Why did the large bucket think the small bucket was sick?
It was a little pail…… 😁
EVERY HAT RACK IN THE HOUSE FELL ON ME.
SORRY, I'M STUCK IN CAPS.
I dig, you dig, he digs, she digs we dig, they dig.
It's not a long poem, but it's deep.
What do you call a car that’s covered in leaves?
An Autumnobile
Just got an app that tells me which one of my relatives are racist
It's called Facebook
I don’t know why i loves bad puns so much.
It’s just how eye roll i guess
Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how important their children are.
The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him "Father." The second Catholic women chirps, "Well, my son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "Your Grace." The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put you down, but my son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "Your Eminence." The fourth Catholic women sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her a subtle "Well…?" She replies, "My son is a charismatic, 6'2", hard-bodied male stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "My God."
Whose design makes it look as though they reek of urine and egg farts? This cunts…
https://ift.tt/2wlcxbF
What exactly is an acorn?
Well, in a nutshell, it’s an oak tree.
When cashing out at the grocery store it was obvious my cashier was high, slow as hell, and insulting me under their breath.
I still don't know if I like self-checkout.
Not to brag, but I have sychic powers.
For example, right now you’re thinking, “It’s psychic, you idiot!”
My wife showed me a meme post on Instagram
I told her I already Reddit.