Dad: “We’re having what Mum calls me” Kid: “DONT EAT IT ITS A FUCKING DICK”
Skele tons! Stay spooky my dudes
Not enough people really talk about England very much
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years. “This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid. “And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
"Because she's only three." I answered.
My Grandma was talking about the good old days and said “in my day we could leave the door unlocked and not worry about it!” and “we grew up with nothing but we were happy”…
I replied “Well Grandma, I hate to break it to you, but you grew up with nothing because you kept leaving the front door unlocked!”
You don't want to press your luck…
Not only am I going to hell, I'll never know why.
I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!
It’s only the first date.
He had an apartment complex.
Hillary's emails. Nobody can get over those fuckin' things apparently
So I sent him a “get well soon” card.
No text found
to fulfill my fantasy… that we have health insurance.
I stand corrected.
He's my father in law
It was great, but I can’t work out why I was the only naked person there.
Edit: 1 thumb Edit:0thumbs
But I heard they were recently working on a new track
looking to adopt a child, but the social workers there raise doubts about their suitability. So the couple produce photos of their 50-foot motor home, which is clean and well maintained and equipped with a beautiful nursery. The social workers are satisfied by this but then raise concerns about the kind of education a child would receive while in the couple's care. The husband puts their mind at ease, saying, "We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin, and computer skills." Next though, the social workers express concern about a child being raised in a circus environment. This time the wife explains, "Our nanny is a certified expert in pediatric care, welfare, and diet." The social workers are finally satisfied and ask the couple, "What age child are you hoping to adopt?" The husband says, "It doesn't really matter, as long as the kid fits in the cannon."
I lost and it still Hertz
Son: I hope you enjoy it. Dad: From now on,…… I’ll start living in the present.
Two men are playing golf. One of them is about to take a swing when a funeral procession appears on the road next to the course. He stops mid-swing, takes off his cap, closes his eyes, and bows his head in contemplation. His opponent comments: "That must be the most touching thing I’ve ever seen. You are a very feeling man." The man, recovering himself, replies, "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."
The kids weren't much to look at!
To beat the crowd.
Amazingly, there was no congestion for 8 hours.
Just five more minutes.
You have my Word.
It got stuck in the cracks. (Made up by my 10 year old.)
They dont like getting roasted
Thanks daylight savings!
Coronavirus, right off the bat.
…and the preacher says, “higgs boson aren’t allowed in here! you call yourself the God particle, sacrilege!!” …to which the higgs boson particle replies “if you don’t allow higgs boson particles, how do you have mass?”