Anyone else need to join this chapter?
What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot 🥕
I have some jokes about unemployed people, but I can’t tell them to you
None of them work
I haven’t spoke to my wife in 7 years
I don't want to interrupt her
Does length matter? Short answer: no.
Long answer: yes.
What do you call a snake that is 3.14 meters long
A pithon Happy pi day
Why is the Australian emergency line is“000”?
Because it’ll look the same when your phone is upside down.
Partners in the geology lab were upset that I didn’t share the earthquake data…
It’s completely my fault
An old man is walking in Amsterdam and passes a hooker standing at her door. She says to him: “Hey Granddad, why don’t we give it a try?”
He says: "No thank you. That is no longer possible for me." It was a slow night, so the hooker says: "Oh, come on, what have we got to lose; let's give it a try." So, they both go inside and he acts like the young man he used to be. "Oh my goodness," says the hooker breathlessly afterward, "I thought you said sex was no longer possible for you." Says the old man: "Oh, my body is still highly capable; it's the paying that is no longer possible."
How many germans does it take to change the lightbulb.
One, we are efficient and devoid of humor
I ordered a chicken and an egg on Amazon today.
I'll let you know…
Having gay parents must be horrible
You either get twice the usual amount of dad jokes or get stuck in an infinite loop of "go ask your mom"
What’s the opposite of isolate?
You so early
A nice change of pace from all the other times I’ve been fucked because of assembly
https://ift.tt/2X1nWIu
A time traveler walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travelers in here.” A time traveler walks into a bar.
I knew an autistic baker who could make a loaf of bread in any shape.
He had special kneads.
What did the chef say when he got hit with the seasoning?
Hey! That's a salt!
I finally watched Doctor Who
It was about time.
How Long is a Chinese name.
No text found
Vladimir Putin has been visiting all the old U.S.S.R. Countries.
You could say it was a Soviet Reunion.
My wife said she wants me to stop listening to Wonderwall…
I SAID MAYBEEEE!!
What has three legs and four arms?
My son's shit drawing of a snake.
Last night, I had a dream that I was a muffler
I woke up exhausted
Where do suicide bombers go after they die?
Everywhere. Edit: Whoa thanks for the toilet seat.
My girlfriend doesn’t like to argue about Indian food.
She's pretty naan confrontational.
A lion will not cheat on his wife,
But a Tiger Wood!
I know a good eye doctor when I see one.
No text found
Wife: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
Me: sipping toast Why?
Three Logicians walk into a Bar…
The waitress asks: "Does everyone want beer?" The first logician replies: "I don't know." The second logician says: "I don't know." Finally, the third logician answers: "YES, we all want beer!"
My Father thinks this is funny as hell. I need to leave the family WhatsApp group.
https://ift.tt/2Vbtvl6
I’m trying to learn the alphabet but I can’t get past X
I don’t know why
Anyway, now that she left me I can enjoy playing on my non-Euclidian pool table.
https://ift.tt/2pZnXOG
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it? professor: okay there is one stupid question.
My dad first talked to me about sex when I was going to college.
He said, "Son, in college you're going to be surrounded by beautiful girls, so I got you something from the chemist." "Dad," I said, "I have condoms." And he said, "You won't need condoms, I got you some anti-depressants."
My friend showed me his huge comic book collection…
It was quite a Marvel.
Getting hit on by a hot gay guy is like finding a million pesos
I can’t do anything with this now, but if I ever cross that line I’m all set
My neighbor is a 90 year old with alzheimer’s, I see him every morning and he asks me If I’ve seen his wife. Everyday I have to tell this poor man that his wife died 20 years ago. I could have moved to another house or even ignore his question
But the look of joy in his eyes whenever I answer him is worth the world.
A girl reached into my pants today and said
I know there is a joke here but I can't find it.
(From my 8 y/o) What goes “Oooooooooooooooo”
A cow with no lips!
I burnt my Hawaiian pizza today
Should have cooked it at aloha temperature
I have lots of Kenny Rogers jokes, but in light of his recent passing, I won’t tell them.
You gottta know when to hold 'em.
Hey, can I get some feedback on my joke?
*Makes a high-pitched screeching sound*
