Anyone wanna help me set up an alter to sacrifice trump to save Tom Hanks?
Why did the marshmallow cross the road?
Because he knew there was S'more to life
Why can’t you trust atoms?
because they make up everything.
I think the cashier likes me.
She was definitely checking me out.
What do you call a hipster’s wife?
Mississippi!
Why is Peter Pan always flying?
He never lands.
What do you call a popsicle that’s filled with holes?
A Popesicle! Get it? Because it's holy. My kids didn't get it either…
What do you call a wizard who walks everywhere on bare feet, has poor bone density and really bad breath?
A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
I was just diagnosed with color blindness…
… it came completely out of the purple.
Why is suicide illegal in China ?
Destruction of government property.
My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction
So I packed up my stuff and right
A little boy asks grandpa to make a noise like a frog. Grandpa asks why?
Because mummy said the moment you croak is when we're all going to Disneyland!
I got the words “jacuzzi” and “yakuza” confused on my trip to Japan
Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese mafia
Why are gays bad at poker?
They can't keep a straight face
Is buttcheeks one word…
or should I spread them apart?
Reverse cowgirl is set to be outlawed in Alabama.
Cause you don't turn your back on family.
Lots of violence could have been prevented in the old west
If only cowboy architects had made the towns big enough for everyone.
What’s funnier than hearing a joke once?
Hearing it twice. What's funnier than hearing a joke once? Hearing it twice.
Apparently my friends started a hula hooping club but never told me about it.
They kept me out of the loop.
How are dad jokes and anti-vaccine kids similar?
They both never get old.
Today in sex ed our teacher asked what’s the difference between a male reproductive system and the female reproductive system.
Apparently there’s a vas deferens
TIL eusocial insects of the family Formicidae NEVER get sick because…
…they have those tiny anty bodies…
My mate said he didn’t understand what cloning was.
I said that makes two of us.
My partner and I can never agree on vacations.
I want to go to exotic islands and stay in 5 star hotels. She wants to come with me.
Why shouldn’t you tell knock knock jokes to chefs?
They don't have the thyme for that, just cumin.
What do you call a hippies wife?
Mississippi
Why is it rude to fart in church?
Because of everyone else that has to sit in your pew.
What do you call Batman skipping church?
Christian Bale
