Anyone wanna help me set up an alter to sacrifice trump to save Tom Hanks?
Why did the marshmallow cross the road?
Because he knew there was S'more to life
Why can’t you trust atoms?
because they make up everything.
I think the cashier likes me.
She was definitely checking me out.
What do you call a hipster’s wife?
Why is Peter Pan always flying?
He never lands.
What do you call a popsicle that’s filled with holes?
A Popesicle! Get it? Because it's holy. My kids didn't get it either…
I don’t like it…
What do you call a wizard who walks everywhere on bare feet, has poor bone density and really bad breath?
A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
They are both experts in their respective fields
Recursion is love
Climate change good
Calling all good Christians!
It’s the do nothing Democrats fault!… oh wait, thank you…
Ctrl C + Ctrl v
I was just diagnosed with color blindness…
… it came completely out of the purple.
My dad sent me this
Why is suicide illegal in China ?
Destruction of government property.
How do I experimentally measure the surface area of a rock?
I “think” Trump just broke the law in plain sight. Again.
My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction
So I packed up my stuff and right
I copy and pasted it, how is it spelled wrong
Someone has to say it
A little boy asks grandpa to make a noise like a frog. Grandpa asks why?
Because mummy said the moment you croak is when we're all going to Disneyland!
Lets go get some tacos on Cinco de *SMACK*
Suicide by Homicide
Some things never change
I got the words “jacuzzi” and “yakuza” confused on my trip to Japan
Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese mafia
Why are gays bad at poker?
They can't keep a straight face
Is buttcheeks one word…
or should I spread them apart?
I’m still in shock
Reverse cowgirl is set to be outlawed in Alabama.
Cause you don't turn your back on family.
Lots of violence could have been prevented in the old west
If only cowboy architects had made the towns big enough for everyone.
What’s funnier than hearing a joke once?
Hearing it twice. What's funnier than hearing a joke once? Hearing it twice.
Apparently my friends started a hula hooping club but never told me about it.
They kept me out of the loop.
Sent by my Grandfather
How are dad jokes and anti-vaccine kids similar?
They both never get old.
Today in sex ed our teacher asked what’s the difference between a male reproductive system and the female reproductive system.
Apparently there’s a vas deferens
Breadth-First Search…but sexy
I found our perfect shirt
Genes of an android developer VS a normal human being
All hail Firefox
Send to any crushes you have for 100% success rate
“I am not a crook!”
TIL eusocial insects of the family Formicidae NEVER get sick because…
…they have those tiny anty bodies…
That one guy in the team!
Tv murders book
Okay B O O M E R
My mate said he didn’t understand what cloning was.
I said that makes two of us.
How to quarantine millennials.
My partner and I can never agree on vacations.
I want to go to exotic islands and stay in 5 star hotels. She wants to come with me.
Why shouldn’t you tell knock knock jokes to chefs?
They don't have the thyme for that, just cumin.
What do you call a hippies wife?
Why is it rude to fart in church?
Because of everyone else that has to sit in your pew.
I am the internet!
So now Trump and those around him get tested every day.
“Local man yells at cloud”
What do you call Batman skipping church?