Anytime I hear Biden conspiracies
A pregnant woman walks into a bank being robbed,
She tried to call the cops and got shot in the stomach three times. Luckily, all her children were safe. 15 years later, one of her daughters came up to her and said, "Mom, I was peeing and a bullet came out." So, she told her daughter the story. Then, her other daughter walked into the room and she said, "Mom, I was peeing and a bullet came out." So, she told her daughter the story. Finally, her son came in and she assumed she knew what he was going to say, "Let me guess, you were peeing and a bullet came out?" The son replied, "No, what? I was masturbating and I shot the dog."
If you only believe in 12.5% of the bible
You're an eighth theist
3 dinosaurs walk up to a shiny lamp
One of them rubs it, and a mystical blue genie flies out of it! "Hello! I am genie! Since there are 3 of you, you each get 1 wish! "I wish for a large piece of meat!" The first dinosaur said. And so a large slab of meat materialized before his eyes and plopped down in front of him! "I wish for a meat shower!" The second dinosaur said. And so the genie made all different sorts of meats from different animals rain from a small cloud above the dinosaur's head. Not wanting to be outdone by his friends the third dinosaur quickly tries to think of something better. "I wish for a meatier shower!"
Did you hear about the burglary at the detergent factory?
The thief made a clean getaway
The U.S. Army is full of crybabies
That’s why we also call them the Infantry.
A dog is talking to his owner. Dog: Tell me a joke
Dog: Tell me a joke Man: Don’t be silly, you’re a dog Dog: Oh, go on Man: You’re a dog, you won’t understand Dog: Do it anyway, pleeeeese Man: OK. Knock Knock Dog: Woof Woof Woof Woof Woof……….
Have you heard of the man with 5 penises?
He’s been looking for a condom that fits like a glove.
Commas can really change the meaning of a sentence.
For example: Ben is in a hurry. Vs Ben is in a comma
The first 10 incarnations of Winnie the Pooh were so cute.
XI is just a fucking asshole.
What is a kkk members favorite drink?
White Powerade
What are German Nazis and grammar nazis both guilty of?
Crimes against piece
All my friends jokingly said that this girl I have a date with is imaginary.
Well, the joke is on them. Because so are they
The elevator to heaven has been broken for 8 hours.
Can God create a lift on which he can't wait?
An 18 year old Italian girl tells her mom that she has missed her period for two months.
Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge." "I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life." "Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, two retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?" At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You fuck her again."
What do you call a cheap circumcision
A rip off
My five-year-old just asked me what my name is and I told him “You know what my name is.”
He replied, "Your name is 'You know what my name is'?" I've never been prouder.
Why are snails allowed on ships?
Escargot.
Ronald McDonald and The Burger King were horrified when they heard the news about Wendy’s gruesome demise.
Apparently, the baconator.
I just bought my son a flat piece of cardboard for Christmas.
I have no idea why he wants an ex box.
My Hispanic buddy likes Little Caesars.
He uses them to trim his mustache.
I don’t get why people hate necromancers so much.
Can’t a guy just raise a family in peace?
Why was the card dealer at the casino so resilient?
He dealt with whatever was thrown his way
What do you call a psychic dwarf who has escaped from prison?
a small medium at large
I hope Elon Musk never gets involved in a scandal
Elongate would be really drawn out.
“That’s what.” – She
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What’s the cheapest meat you can buy?
Deer balls, they’re under a buck… (Told to me by my 12yo son)
