It says that anything that can go wrong will go wrong. But have you heard of Cole’s law? It’s thinly sliced cabbage.
There were so many red flags.
Because Monday is a weekday…
Smoking bacon cures it
Guardians of the Galaxy
and not using commas.
I replied, “funny, what was the name of his other leg”.
“Son, I bet you can’t wait for me to die so you can piss on my grave!” The private emphatically replies, “No sir! Once I get out of the army I’m never gonna stand in line again. “
It becomes theiranium
He finishes his drink and asks for his check. Duck billed platypus.
Easy, cause they dominate that shit. It's the same reason white people watch the History Channel.
But I wanted to be transparent.
The same thing Arkansas!
A whim away a whim away a whim away
I guess I wasn't putting in enough shifts
But, smoking bacon will cure it.
A man sitting in the corner replies, “You won’t have enough bullets”
Before dinner, Peter goes into a Pharmacy says to the pharmacist "Hello, could you give me a Condom? I'm going to my girlfriend's place for dinner and I think I may have a shot". The Pharmacist gives him the condom. As he was exiting, he stepped back in to the Pharmacy and said ”Give me another condom because my Girlfriend's sister is very cute too. She's always flirting with the way she crosses her legs and I might have a chance there too". The pharmacist gave him a second condom. As Peter was leaving, he turns back one more time and says "Give me one more condom. Her mum is still pretty cute and she always tries to get my attention with the way she sways her hips or licks her lips". The pharmacist gave him a third condom. During dinner, Peter sat down with his Girlfriend on his left, her sister on his right and her mum facing him. Once her father enters the room, Peter repectfully lowers his head and starts the dinner prayer "Dear Lord, bless this dinner and thank you for all you've given given us". Ten minutes later, Peter is still praying "Thank you Lord for your kindness. ….". More time goes by and he's still praying, his head down close to the table. The rest of the family keep looking at each other surprised. His girlfriend eventually moves in close and whispers "I didn't know you were so religious?". Peter, with his head still on the table replies "I didn't know your father was a Pharmacist".
You should've seen her face when I drove pasta.
A man in Melbourne walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of cabbage. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of cabbage. The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter…
Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some old bastard outside wants to buy half a head of cabbage." As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man had followed and was standing right behind him, so the boy quickly added, "…and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half." The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way. Later, the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier, we like people who can think on their feet here, where are you from son?" "New Zealand, sir." the boy replied. "Why did you leave New Zealand?" the manager asked. The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but prostitutes and rugby players there." "Is that right?" replied the manager. "My wife is from New Zealand!" "Really?" replied the boy. "Who did she play for?"
A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber runs out and shoots her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies are okay and the surgeon decides to leave the bullets where they are as it is too risky to operate. All is fine for 16 years and then one daughter walks into the room in tears. "What's wrong," asks the mother. "Well, mum, I was having a wee and this bullet came out," replies the daughter. The mother tells her it is okay and explains what happened 16 years before. About a week later the second daughter walks into the room in tears. "Mum, I was having a wee and this bullet came out." The mother tells her what happened 16 years before and tells her not to worry. Another week passes by and the son walks into the room in tears. "It's okay," says the mother, "I know what has happened, you were having a wee and a bullet came out." "No," says the boy, "I was having a w*nk and I've shot the dog."
A garbage truck.
A mathematician walks into a bar, asks for a beer for himself, and then 10 beers for everyone else there.
The bartender says, “Wow! That’s a different order of magnitude.”
Constipation is when your body does not give a shit. Diarrhea is when your body cannot get it's shit together.
You give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now!
Boudreaux was called up to the Louisiana National Guard. Because he was a smooth talker the CO put him in charge of explaining benefits to new recruits.
After a week the CO noticed Boudreaux had a 100% sign up rate for supplemental insurance. Impressed, the CO sits in on one of Boudreaux’s sessions. “If you boys goes to Afghanistan and you gets yoself kilt, the gubmint pays you benefishary $50,000. But if you gets the supplemental insurance, which only cost tirty dollas a month, the gubmint pays you benefishary $400,000.” “Now, which group you tink the gubmint gonna send to Afghanistan first?”
I now have four.
Everyone in the KKK looks the same to me…