AOC Spanking the GOP, again.
I called my wife and told her that I’ll pick up pizza and coke on the way back from work. But it seems she was not happy.
She still regrets letting me name the kids.
Spiderman saves the day with help of a sad joke.
https://ift.tt/32dkF7K
I have sexdaily
Crap! I mean dyslexia
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, "Well, tell him he's bloody good – I ain't got any kids!"
It’s the end of the world as we know it and he feels fine, very stable and wise
https://ift.tt/33mh9ZQ
I am writing a drama on puns.
It's going to be a play on words.
Recently I bumped into the guy that sold me an antique globe.
It’s a small world.
What happens to an egg every time you look at it?
It becomes egg sighted
I saw a raccoon with a sewing machine, I asked my wife “Does that raccoon know how to sew?”
She said, "That's how it seams"
My son just told me his first dad joke. He’s 8, so go easy.
Son: what did the fig say to the table? Me: I don't know, what did the fig say to the table? Son, angry voice: Hey! I'm asking the questions here. You FIG-ure it out.
A recent study found out how much sleep a normal teenager needs.
Just five more minutes.
What rock group has 4 members that don’t sing?
Mount Rushmore
My dad is a social distancing champion!!!
I havent seen him since 2005
My wife thinks I don’t respect her privacy enough…
At least, that’s what it says in her diary…
What do you call a 200 year old buffalo?
A bison-tennial.
Dad, how many types of boobs are there?
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?" The father, suprised, answers "Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, her breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice and hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions." "Onions?", the son asks. "Yes, you see them and they make you cry." The daughter and wife are infuriated on hearing this. The daughter asks "Mom, how many kinds of willies are there?" The mom smiles and says, "Well, dear, a man goes through three phases too. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it's like a birch tree, flexible but reliable. After 50, it's like a Christmas tree." "A Christmas tree?" asks the daughter. "Yes, dead from the root up, and the balls are just for decoration."
Honestly women shouldn’t have children after 35
That'd be way too many
Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight…
There would be mass confusion
What’s the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?
People in Dubai don't like the Flinstones but people in Abu Dhabi dooooooooooo!!!!
What do English teachers do on Reddit?
Edit: grammar
I proposed to my ex-wife
But she said no. She believes I’m just after my money.
I buy my guns from a T-Rex.
He's a small arms dealer.
What did the green grape say to the purple grape?
OMG!!!!!! BREATHE!!!!!!!!! BREATHE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Who decided to call them “murder hornets”
and not “buzzkills”?