Apparently adding a fireplace to your home is the hot new trend…
…and chimney installations are through the roof!
I don’t tell dad jokes often
but when I do, he laughs
Baby Yoda’s first word
Probably came after his second word.
I saw a theatre production about puns recently
It was a play on words
Steve Jobs would have made a better president than Donald Trump…
But that’s comparing apples to oranges.
I proposed to a mime today,
"Will you mirror me?" She was speechless.
I have an EpiPen
My friend gave it to me when he was dying. It seemed important for him that I have it.
So many people complain about how much money it is to fill up their car with gas.
I save money by filling up just the tank.
What do you call a hippies wife
Mississippi
My son told me that he didn’t need any help to put on his tie.
Fine. Suit yourself
How do dancers ensure job continuity during the Covid crisis?
They twerk from home.
My dad first talked to me about sex when I was going to college.
He said, "Son, in college you're going to be surrounded by beautiful girls, so I got you something from the chemist." "Dad," I said, "I have condoms." And he said, "You won't need condoms, I got you some anti-depressants."
I often wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder”…
Came up with any other phrases. Edit: Thank you for the silver
What do you call a lazy Kangaroo?
A pouch potato!
Hey, can I get some feedback on my joke?
*Makes a high-pitched screeching sound*
Did you hear about the dyslexic zombie?
He only eats Brians
What should you do if you see a famous person at a water park?
Ask them for their watergraph.
What is a mayor’s favorite food?
Mayornnaise
My wife and I went out for dinner the other day. When I ordered a steak she angrily said “You really like meat huh, murderer?!”
I sighed and replied "I has been 20 years, can you please stop bringing up the time I shot your father?"
I heard they came up with a millennial version of the Monopoly game.
They just walk around the board paying rent, never able to buy anything.
A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, “I’ve had enough and have left you. Don’t bother coming after me.”
Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction. After a short while, the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom. She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note. After a few minutes, he wrote something on it before picking up the phone and calling someone. "She's finally gone…yeah I know, about bloody time, I'm coming to see you, put on that sexy French nightie. I love you…can't wait to see you…we'll do all the naughty things you like." He hung up, grabbed his keys and left. She heard the car drive off as she came out from under the bed. Seething with rage and with tears in her eyes she grabbed the note to see what he wrote… "I can see your feet. We're outta bread: be back in five minutes.
My wife always prefers the stairs, whereas I always like to take the elevator…
I guess we are raised differently…
A man in an interrogation room says “I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present.”
Cop: You are the lawyer. Lawyer: Exactly, so where’s my present?
FYI, If your boat turns upside down, you can wear it on your head.
– – – Because it's capsized
A Russian group I’m in keeps posting trash like this and reposting it 999 times
https://ift.tt/2xQdrxx
I want to share a corona virus poem I wrote today.
Everybody was Kung Flu fighting, That crap was fast as lightning, In fact, it was a little bit frightening, The experts couldn’t predict the timing, Everybody was Kung Flu fighting.
A man in a Florida supermarket tried to buy half a head of lettuce.
The very young produce assistant told him that they sell only whole heads of lettuce. The man persisted and asked to see the manager. The boy said he'd ask his manager about it. Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager: 'Some asshole wants to buy half a head of lettuce.' As he finished his sentence, he turned to suddenly find the man standing right behind him, so quickly he added, 'And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half.' The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way. Later, the manager said to the boy, 'I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?' ‘Canada, sir,' the boy replied. 'Well, why did you leave Canada?' the manager asked. The boy said, 'Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there.' ‘Really?' said the manager. 'My wife is from Canada.' ‘No shit?' replied the boy. 'Who'd she play for?'
My sister walked in and caught me masturbating. She called me a sick pervert.
I walked in and caught her masturbating. She called me a sick pervert. There's no justice in this world.
Astronaut 1: hey I can’t find any milk for my coffee
Astronaut 2: In space, no one can. Here, use cream.
I remember being a kid and my parents filling my head with nonsense, like Santa, the Easter bunny and the Tooth Fairy.
Well now that I’m older I don’t fall for that rubbish anymore, thank God.
