Apparently adding a fireplace to your home is the hot new trend…
…and chimney installations are through the roof!
but when I do, he laughs
Probably came after his second word.
It was a play on words
But that’s comparing apples to oranges.
"Will you mirror me?" She was speechless.
My friend gave it to me when he was dying. It seemed important for him that I have it.
I save money by filling up just the tank.
Fine. Suit yourself
They twerk from home.
He said, "Son, in college you're going to be surrounded by beautiful girls, so I got you something from the chemist." "Dad," I said, "I have condoms." And he said, "You won't need condoms, I got you some anti-depressants."
Came up with any other phrases. Edit: Thank you for the silver
A pouch potato!
*Makes a high-pitched screeching sound*
He only eats Brians
Ask them for their watergraph.
My wife and I went out for dinner the other day. When I ordered a steak she angrily said “You really like meat huh, murderer?!”
I sighed and replied "I has been 20 years, can you please stop bringing up the time I shot your father?"
They just walk around the board paying rent, never able to buy anything.
A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, “I’ve had enough and have left you. Don’t bother coming after me.”
Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction. After a short while, the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom. She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note. After a few minutes, he wrote something on it before picking up the phone and calling someone. "She's finally gone…yeah I know, about bloody time, I'm coming to see you, put on that sexy French nightie. I love you…can't wait to see you…we'll do all the naughty things you like." He hung up, grabbed his keys and left. She heard the car drive off as she came out from under the bed. Seething with rage and with tears in her eyes she grabbed the note to see what he wrote… "I can see your feet. We're outta bread: be back in five minutes.
I guess we are raised differently…
Cop: You are the lawyer. Lawyer: Exactly, so where’s my present?
– – – Because it's capsized
Everybody was Kung Flu fighting, That crap was fast as lightning, In fact, it was a little bit frightening, The experts couldn’t predict the timing, Everybody was Kung Flu fighting.
The very young produce assistant told him that they sell only whole heads of lettuce. The man persisted and asked to see the manager. The boy said he'd ask his manager about it. Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager: 'Some asshole wants to buy half a head of lettuce.' As he finished his sentence, he turned to suddenly find the man standing right behind him, so quickly he added, 'And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half.' The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way. Later, the manager said to the boy, 'I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?' ‘Canada, sir,' the boy replied. 'Well, why did you leave Canada?' the manager asked. The boy said, 'Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there.' ‘Really?' said the manager. 'My wife is from Canada.' ‘No shit?' replied the boy. 'Who'd she play for?'
I walked in and caught her masturbating. She called me a sick pervert. There's no justice in this world.
Astronaut 2: In space, no one can. Here, use cream.
I remember being a kid and my parents filling my head with nonsense, like Santa, the Easter bunny and the Tooth Fairy.
Well now that I’m older I don’t fall for that rubbish anymore, thank God.