Apparently adding a fireplace to your home is the hot new trend…
…and chimney installations are through the roof!
What do you call a bird that only shows up to work when it wants to?
A millenial falcon
I have a few jokes about unemployed people
but none of them work.
Why did the sperm cross the road
I put on the wrong sock this morning.
Why are redneck murders the hardest to solve?
All the DNA matches and there's no dental records.
My neighbour and I became good friends, so we decided to rent a space together to park our cars.
We have….a lot in common.
Grandma’s been staring through the window ever since it started to snow.
If it gets any worse I'll have to let her in.
My dad burst into my room and said, “Wanna hear a joke?”, and then proceeded to fart for a whole minute.
He said. “Sorry. That was a long winded story.”
Why does the Norwegian navy have barcodes on the side of their ships?
So when they come into port, they can scan-da-navy-in
“Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in reading!”
Dad: That’s a D, idiot.
Humans eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2015 we ate over 74 million bananas and only 6 monkeys.
Three dinosaurs find a magic lamp with a genie inside.
The genie says “I can give you all one wish. Anything your heart desires!” The first dinosaur says “I want a big piece of juicy meat!” And he is given the biggest piece of meat for miles. The second dinosaur, in an attempt to one up the first says “I want a meat shower!” And he is showered in delicious meat. The third dinosaur, not to be outdone by the other two says “I want a meatier shower!” Edit: Thanks for the silver!
What do seismologists eat for breakfast?
Panquakes and shakin'
Got my friend with this one, she was not too happy…
Me: I was just listening to the radio on my way in to town, apparently an actress just killed herself. Friend: Seriously!? Who!? Me: Uh, I can't remember… I think her name was Reese something? Friend: WITHERSPOON!!?? Me: No, it was with a knife…
If I had a Delorean…
I would probably only drive it from time to time.
Why do people love whiteboards so much?
They're just remarkable
Guys, to be Frank…
…. I would have to change my name.
What’s the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?
One will see you later, the other will see you in a while.
Two fish sitting in a tank
One of them turns to the other and says "How do you drive this thing?"
A German walks into a bar
and says, "can I have a martini please?" "Dry?" "No, just one."
What is Yoda’s last name?
Layheehoo
To the person who stole my glasses
I will find you. I have my contacts.
My friend told me she made synonym buns
I asked if they were just like the ones grammar used to make.
My friend said, “Congratulations on your new job. How did you get it?” I replied, “The same way the Virgin Mary got Jesus.” He laughed, “A miracle?!”
I said, "No. Sex that I can't tell anyone about."
A teenager tells his father, “There’s water in my car’s carburetor.”
The father looks confused and says, “Water in the carburetor? That’s ridiculous.” But the son insists, “I’m telling you, there’s water in the carburetor.” His father is starting to get a little nervous. “You don’t even know what a carburetor is” he says, “I’ll check it out. Where’s the car?” “In the pool.”
My wife asked me if I wanted kids…
I told her, no, but I wouldn't mind playing with the box they came in.
I recently switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack…
She hasn't figured it out yet, but the thyme is cumin…
Double Negative !
A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. “In English,” he said, “a double negative forms a positive. In some languages though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative.” “However,” he pointed out, “there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative.” A voice from the back of the room piped up, “Yeah. Right.”
What do you call a turkey’s evil twin?
A Gobblegänger.
My wife turned and looked at me screaming, “Did you hear what I just said?!”
Seriously! Who starts a conversation like that?
A girl promises to teach her boyfriend what 69ing is.
He lies down on the floor and she squats down over his face to assume the position and farts. Embarrassed she stands up and apologises. She squats down for another go but farts again, she gets up and apologises again. Before she can have a third go, her boyfriend gets up and goes to walk out saying “yeah this isn’t really for me, I’m not having 67 more of those in my face”
People write “congrats” because
they don't know how to spell congrajlashins.