Apparently adding a fireplace to your home is the hot new trend…
…and chimney installations are through the roof!
Uncertainty has hit the Japanese banking industry…
In the past week, Origami bank has folded, Sumo bank has gone belly up and Bonsai bank announced plans to cut some of its branches. Last week it was announced that Karaoke bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song, while shares in Kamikaze bank were suspended after they nosedived. Samurai bank is soldiering on following sharp cutbacks, Ninja bank is reported to have taken a hit, but it remains in the black. Furthermore 500 staff at Karate bank got the chop and analysts report there is something fishy going on at Sushi bank, where it’s feared staff may get a raw deal.
If your Tesla gets stolen,
is it called an Edison now?
I can’t take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him.
I guess that's what I get for getting a pure bread dog.
I was having sex with my friend’s wife, the phone rang. I heard it was her husband and I quickly started to get dressed.
She told me not to worry. He was out drinking with me…
My grandpa tried to warn everyone The Titanic was gonna sink.
When everyone just ignored him, he yelled at them three more times, eventually they got irritated and kicked him out of the theater.
I have come up with a strategy to keep my kids from misbehaving around Christmas time. I keep empty wrapped boxes under the tree and when one of my kids misbehaves, I throw one in the fireplace
The situation changes however, when I run out of children
So, now that antifa has been declared a terrorist organization…
…when will the U.S. government start arming them?
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: "Efficient."
Courtesy of my 5 year old: Why did Dracula take cold medicine?
To stop his coffin.
I book a doctor’s appointment.
I don't know why he couldn't just do it himself.
Why was 11am afraid of 12am?
It hated the dark.
I swallowed a bunch of scrabble pieces today.
My next shit could spell disaster.
Her: I think we need to break up. I’m sick of your addiction to Burger King.
Me: Fine. Have it your way.
I used to love blowing air at people’s faces…
…but I'm just not a fan anymore
“Several years ago, you could smoke in bars”
"Dad, what is a bar?" … "Dad, are you crying?"
Just so everybody is clear
I’m gonna put my glasses on
Many people say that a pirate’s favourite letter is R but…
It’s actually the P. If you take it away he becomes irate.
My wife is turning 32 soon…
I’ve told her not to get her hopes up for her birthday. “After all,” I said, “The celebrations are only going to last half a minute.” “What are you talking about?” she asked. I said, “It’s your thirty-second birthday.”
I got an invite to a wedding that said “black tie only” But
when I got there, everyone else was in tuxedos.
What do an English teacher and a Coder have in common?
They're both pro-grammars
What’s a pirate’s favorite letter?
You would think “R,” but it’s actually the “C.”
Two men are roommates in a hospital. Because they are both weak from sickness, the men are unable to speak for weeks.
Finally, one man says to the other, “American.” His roommate replies, “Canadian.” Another week goes by and the first man says weakly, “Danny.” The roommate can only reply, “Phil.” Another week passes and the first man mutters to his roommate, “Cancer.” His roommate replies back, “Virgo.”
My wife told me sex is better on holiday
…worst postcard ever.
The skip intro button on Netflix is so cool.
I wish tinder had it too.
Dad: What are you drinking?
Son: Soy Milk. Dad: Hola Milk, Soy Dad
How Many Police Officers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None they beat the room for being black.
I never say the N-word in my house. Even when Im alone.
Just in case a black person is breaking in. I wouldn’t want to offend them.
How many people are dead in that graveyard?
All of ‘em, I hope!
While testing a newly installed computer, an Army officer asked the machine to predict the probability of World War Three and promptly received a one-word answer: “Yes.”
Annoyed at the lack of detail, the officer barked, "Yes, what?" Instantly the machine replied, "Yes, sir!"
How many Democrats does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They only talk about change.
A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution “this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before”.
So the lion starts running towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "Hmmmm…that was some good lion meat!". The lion abruptly stops and says " Woah! This guy seems tougher then he looks, I better leave while I can". Over by the tree top, a monkey witnessed everything. Evidently, the monkey realizes the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion and getting something in return. So the monkey proceeds to tell the lion what really happened and the lion says angrily "get on my back, we'll get him together". So they start rushing back to the dog. The dog sees them and realized what happened and starts to panic even more. He then gets another idea and shouts "where the hell is that monkey! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago…"
My parents insisted that they never had a favorite child when I grew up
I'm an only child 🙁
Yo mama so fat
We are all concerned for her health, Kevin.
Why can’t melons get married?
Because they cantaloupe
My Grandma is 96 years old and still doesn’t need glasses.
She drinks straight from the bottle.
If my son turned out to be transgender, he ain’t no son of mine
She’d be my daughter🥰
A sweet, little old lady walks into a bar frequented by the baddest biker gang around.
She walks up to the leader, a real mountain of a man, and say she wants to join. He can barely contain his laughter, and decides to have some fun with her before he tells her off. "Do you even own a bike?" he asks. "I do. It's parked right outside." "Do you swear?" "More than a fucking sailor." She says. "Do you drink?" "Like a fish." The leader is surprisingly impressed, and asks one more question. "Well, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?" The old lady thinks for a minute, and then says "No, but I've been swung around by the nipples before."
I visited the doctor today and he told me my sugar was too high.
So I came home and moved it to a lower shelf.
Yesterday I purchased a world map…gave my wife a dart and said to her ”throw this and wherever it lands, I’m taking you for a holiday”.
Turns out we're spending three weeks behind the fridge.
My girlfriend isn’t talking to me. She said I ruined her birthday.
….I’m not sure how. I didn’t even know it was her birthday.
