apparently after 13 weeks they still can’t match their brackets
To whoever stole my anti-depressants,
I hope you're happy now.
A sheep, a drum, and a snake fall off a cliff
BA-DUMM-TSS
My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing him
Went out, had a few drinks. Nice guy. He's a web designer.
I tripped in France
Eiffel over
Everything’s great in your digestive system
Until it hits your stomach then it all turns to shit
Aspirin
A man comes home to his wife with a jar of aspirin. "honey, I got you this aspirin" "but I don't have a headache" "great, let's fuck"
My son asked me where pooh came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
A little perplexed he stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and then asked, “and tigger?”
So President Trump got into his Bunker because of the Riots.
As a german Guy I can say from experience that from this moment its not getting any better.
Pierre, a French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the river Seine. It’s a beautiful day and love is in the air, so Marie leans over to Pierre and says, “Pierre, kiss me!”
So, Pierre grabs a bottle of red wine and splashes it on Marie`s lips. “What are you doing, Pierre?” shrieks Marie. “Well, my name is Pierre, the French Fighter Pilot, and when I have red meat I like to have red wine!” His answer is good enough for Marie and things begin to heat up. So she says, “Pierre, kiss me lower.” Pierre rips off her blouse, grabs a bottle of white wine and starts pouring it all over her tits. “Pierre, what are you doing?” “My name is Pierre, the French Fighter Pilot, and when I have white meat I like to have white wine!” They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up. Marie leans over once more and softly whispers into his ear, “Pierre, kiss me lower.” Pierre tears off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and sprinkles it all over her bush. He grabs a match and lights it on fire. Patting the flames out furiously, Marie screams, “PIERRE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING!!!?” “My name is Pierre, the French Fighter Pilot, and when I go down, I go down in flames!”
Did you hear about the guy who invented the door knocker?
He got a Nobel prize.
What does a clock do when it’s hungry?
It goes back four seconds.
Why do people in Athens hate getting up early ?
Because dawn is tough on Greece
Dyslexics untie!
No text found
They should have a follow-up to the G7 summit a week later.
They could call it the the C Major summit. Maybe that would resolve everything.
Dear posters of r/Jokes, could you try to be a bit more original?
My friends are really tired of hearing the same jokes over and over again.
Growing up, my teachers told me I was worthless and would never amount to anything in life.
Being homeschooled sucks.
Did you hear about the dad who swapped genders and now no one can find him?
He became trans-parent.
Dude, where’s my
https://ift.tt/2pry5ze
In my career as a lumberjack I cut exactly 58,274 trees.
I know because I kept a log.
What’s the difference between an oral and rectal thermometer?
The taste. Kindly stolen from my friend who is an ER doc.
Why do my jokes never land?
They go too far above your head.
Why do flamingos sleep with one leg up?
Because if they slept with both legs up they would fall over. My 14yo daughter just dropped this one on us.
Why do riot police get to work early?
To beat the crowd.
A Joke from my little cousin
What do you call a bunch of monkeys all mixed up? An Orangatangle!
What did they find under Michael Jackson’s pillow?
Billy's Jeans
One big difference between men and women is…
that if a woman says "smell this" it usually smells nice
What do you call a constipated Sherlock Holmes?
The no-shit Sherlock!
I once knew an arrogant sponge.
he was very self absorbed.
What do you call a bulletproof Irish man?
Rick O’Shay
Just so everybody is clear
I’m gonna put my glasses on
I drew a graph of all my previous relationships.
It had an ex axis, and a why axis. . Credit to /u/Viewedaskew on /r/jokes
“Queue” sounds like “q” followed by 4 silent letters, but…
They’re just waiting their turn.
I was so thankful to come across a man selling his junk in the middle of the desert.
But it turned out to be a mirage sale.
I got gas today for $1.39.
Unfortunately it was at Taco Bell.
