Apparently babies start walking at around 1.
Well, it's 2:30 now and she hasn't walked at all
A man has to choose from his 3 girlfriends
A man had three beautiful girlfriends but didn't know which one to marry. As a test, he decided to give each woman $5,000 to see how they would spend it. The first girlfriend went out and got herself a complete makeover. She told him, "I spend the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much." The second went shopping and bought the man new golf clubs, an iPad and an 80-inch flatscreen television. She said, "I bought these gifts for you because I love you so much." The third woman took the $5,000 and invested it in the stock market, doubled her investment, returned $5,000 to the man and reinvested the rest. She said, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much." The man thought long and hard about how each of his girlfriends had spent the money, and then he decided to marry the one with the biggest tits.
An alcoholic law student walks into a bar . . .
He regretted not passing the bar.
What is an electricians favorite type of news
Current events
How do you embarrass an archeologist?
Hand him a used tampon and ask which period it’s from.
What happened to the barber after he got caught on fire?
He got side burns.
Why did it take Russia so long to invade Germany?
They were Stalin.
A fourth grade biology teacher is asking a series of questions to her students
Eventually she asks "What part of the body can grow ten times its normal size when stimulated?" As soon as she asks that, a girl at the back of the class stands up and yells "EWW, THAT'S SO GROSS. HOW DARE YOU ASK THIS TO SMALL CHILDREN? I'M GOING TO TELL MY MOTHER ALL ABOUT THIS", then storms out of the classroom. After the class, the teacher calls the girl back in and says "Young lady, I just have three things to say to you. First, the answer to my question was the pupil; second, you have a very dirty mind for a child your age; and third, one day you're going to very, very disappointed"
A chemist froze himself at -273°C.
People asked him if he was hurt but he said he was 0K.
What did the grape say when he got stepped on?
Nothing, he just let out a little wine
A guy visits a carnival and amongst the merry-go-rounds, vendors and performers he spots a man with a tiny pony.
He walks up to the man and asks: "What's with the pony?" "For a dollar the pony can do pretty much any trick you ask of it" the man replies. "That's cool" the guy says and proceeds to take out his wallet, retrieve a dollar bill and puts it in the jar next to the pony. He extends his hand and says "Shake!" The pony promptly performs the trick. The man produces another dollar. "Play dead!" The pony collapses to the ground, then gets up after a little while. "How about a tougher one?" the man says and puts another dollar in the jar. "What's eleven minus five?" The pony stomps with a hoove six times. "This is incredible" he exclaims. The guy continues to add dollar after dollar to the jar while the pony performs every trick or task without a fault. After a while the guy runs out of single dollar bills and turns to the man and says: "Sir, that is one incredible animal you have there, is there anything it can't do?" "He can't sing" the man replies. The guy considers this for a bit. "Why can't he sing" the guy asks. The man looks him in the eye. "He's a little horse."
My second wife left me because I have “revenge issues”
We'll see about that…
An advice was given to a depressed car
It was: you have no more energy to live, you just need to fuel more yourself.
The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her glue stick.
She still isn't talking to me.
Ikea failed miserably at processed meat products business
Someone ordered meatballs and Ikea sends them a cow with DIY instructions
A slice of apple pie is $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
Teacher asks her class, “If there’s 14 crows on a fence and you shoot 2 off, how many are left?
" One little boy says, "None, the shotgun scared them all away." Teacher says, "That's not the answer I was looking for, but I like the way you're thinking." Boy says to teacher, "I have a question for you." "There's 3 women eating ice cream cones. 1 is licking, 1 is sucking, 1 is biting. Which one is married?" Teacher answers (slightly embarrassed), "I imagine it's the one sucking." Boy says, "No, it's the one with the wedding ring, but I like the way your thinking !"
Thank you, student loans, for getting me through college.
I don’t think I can ever repay you.
Did you hear the one about the Jew?
Israeli funny
My wife uses a whole bottle of dishwasher every time she washes the dishes at night.
Another day, another Dawn.
What are pornstars paid?
Income.
My friend is getting rich by taking pictures of salmon dressed in human clothes.
It’s like shooting fish in apparel.
My dad’s birthday is today (12/14/45). To him and all other dads and dad-like figures out there…
….thank you for the dad jokes. They may not all make us die laughing and some we've heard you tell a million times over, but the one thing they have in common is that they're told in kindness and they put a little smile on our faces. And living in this crazy world, that's a very good thing. I love you dad.
I just heard that Kim Jong-Un is sick
Guess that makes him Kim Jong-Ill now.
Dad: *Rubs couch* “Is this satin?”
Mom: "It's clearly not." Dad: Sits down "It is now!"
Space heaters are the best house-warming gifts.
No text found
My wife said she’s only interested in having sex if I dress like The Fonz.
She's ayyyyy sexual.
What kind of Dr is Dr. Pepper?
A Fizzician.
I went out with a girl who reminded me of a plate.
She was a dish
I went to the shop to buy 6 cans of Sprite
I wasn't untill I got home I realised that I picked 7-up
No one is afraid of llama kisses, so why is everyone so worried about…
…the alpaca lips?
What’s it called when a chameleon can’t change its colors anymore?
A reptile dysfunction.
Whats the difference between a dog and a tree?
Their bark 😎
A blind man enters a ladies bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke sir, you should know five things…. 1 – The bartender is a blonde girl. 2 – The bouncer is a blonde girl. 3 – I'm a 6 feet tall, 200-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate. 4 – The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weightlifter. 5 – The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler. Now think about it seriously Mister, do you still wanna tell that joke?" The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and says, "Nah…. not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
My parents insisted that they never had a favorite child when I grew up
I'm an only child 🙁
Ben Shapiro dies in a plane crash. Wanna know why it crashes?
LEFT WING DESTROYED
What rock group has four guys that don’t sing?
Mt. Rushmore.
Did you hear about the atheist who couldn’t use exponents?
He didn’t believe in higher powers.