Apparently every country got coronavirus
But China got it right off the bat
A linguistics professor says during a lecture….
“In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.” But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, “Yeah, right.”
You know you’re a spoilt child.
When you get an early Christmas present in January.
A guide on how to fall down the stairs:
Step 1, Step 2, Step 3, Step 6, Step 12
Why don’t churches have WiFi?
They don't wanna compete with an invisible power that actually works.
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.
She says hello. He’s rather taken aback because he can’t place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies, "I think you’re the father of one of my kids." Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?" She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I’m your son’s teacher."
What do you call Batman when he skips church?
Christian Bale.
I heard they came up with a millennial version of the Monopoly game.
They just walk around the board paying rent, never able to buy anything.
TIL: If your boat turns upside down in the river, you can wear it on your head.
Because it is capsized.
The mirror told the echo…
The mirror: you should see yourself right now The echo: meh, I've heard it all before.
“Dad, look! I’m a 3D printer!”
"Chris, close the god damn door if you're taking a shit"
My wife said I had a terrible sense of direction…
So I packed my bags and right
I burned 2,000 calories yesterday.
Left the brownies in the oven too long.
My wife gets mad when I steal her kitchen utensils…
But that’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
My wife is really mad at the fact that i have no sense of direction.
So i packed up my stuff and right.
My son just told me his first dad joke. He’s 8, so go easy.
Son: what did the fig say to the table? Me: I don't know, what did the fig say to the table? Son, angry voice: Hey! I'm asking the questions here. You FIG-ure it out.
None of my neighbours seems to know their router comes with modifyable settings.
https://ift.tt/2x9Gj3k
Why was Han Solo crying at the dinner table?
Because the meat was Chewie.
Never challenge Death to a pillow fight.
Unless you’re prepared to handle the reaper cushions.
Went out with a bang…
A tough old cowboy with grizzled hair, chiseled featured, and hands tougher than the sharpest barbs on new wire told his grandson that the secret to living a long life was to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on his oatmeal every morning. With absolute faith, the grandson did as Grandpap instructed. Every morning for the rest of his life, he added a pinch of gun powder to his oatmeal. He grew up, lived happily, enjoyed perfect health, and died at the ripe old age of 107. According to the story in the newspaper, he left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great-grandchildren, 25 great-great-grandchildren, and a 15-foot crater where the crematorium used to be.
Sperm donors wanted
Please come quickly.
2 tampons are walking past each other, which one says “hi”, first.
Neither, they're both stuck up cunts.
Up next: How to sound good in a band. Stay Tuned!!
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Why do valley girls hang out in odd numbered groups?
Because they can't even.
6 was scared of 7 because 7, 8, 9, but why did 7 eat 9?
Because you’re supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day..
How many dead people does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Apparently not 17, cuz my basement is still dark
Which state has the smallest drink?
Minnesota.
What do you call an erection at a funeral?
Mourning Wood
The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears.
The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win. Then, one night while watching the News he saw a war-zone scene in the West Bank. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Israeli soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 10th story window 100 yards away. KABOOM! He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney. KA-BLOOEY! Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph. BULLS-EYE! "I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!" So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl. The young man is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother. "Mom," he says, "I just won the Super Bowl!" "I don't want to talk to you," the old woman says. "You are not my son!" "I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans!" "No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says, "I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago!"
I am able to suck my period blood back into my vagina…
Allow me to demenstruate.
My dentist pulled a wrong tooth
it was accidental