Apparently “I’m sorry” and “My bad” are same thing
unless you're at a funeral
They don't know who did it, but they have a hunch.
I have to draw my own conclusions.
I looked at it and thought, “This isn’t for me.”
It’s now 12:15 and my arm is killing me.
Been so many years and nobody told me.
I just can't seem to put it down.
The story goes that Attila used to collect exotic animals that he found during his conquests. He particularly liked dangerous or fearsome animals, and his favourite was a giant snake. He was so fond of it, it was said that he brought it with him on every campaign. But his snake lost its appetite, and soon stopped eating altogether; perhaps due to the stress of frequent travel and an irregular diet. Wishing to save his prized pet, Attila sought help from the local chirurgeons and witch doctors. None of them could do anything for him, until a wizened sage suggested feeding the serpent only young female virgins. Attila was pleased with this idea, and was delighted to find that a city he had raided just happened to have a Christian convent with a convenient supply of the recommended food for his pet. But the snake refused to eat, or even touch any of the consecrated virgins from the convent. Enraged, Attila sent for the soothsayer who advised him to have him executed. Standing before Attila, the old man calmly said, “Before thou killest me, may thee first bring the snake and one of the women to me.” Curious, Attila did as he asked. Then the old man took some bread and gave it to Attila. “Now hold these in both hands,” he instructed. Attila did so, and as soon as he did, the snake let out a terrifying hiss, and swallowed the virgin whole. To an amazed Attila, the old man simply said, “Thy anaconda don’t want nun unless you’ve got buns, Hun.”
I just made a list of my top 10 favourite Dad jokes. The first 9 are great but the last one is an absolute cracker
1) great 2) great 3) great 4) great 5) great 6) great 7) great 8) great 9) great 10) An absolute cracker
Now I can crunch numbers AND numb crunchers.
they keep eating their bats…
Until I got kicked out of the library
A dead centipede.
I said go stand in the corner it's 90 degrees
Cause you should never Kikkoman when he’s down.
I hope you’re happy now.
I guess it would be a Soviet reunion
Cause they’re extinct
They always threaten to use divorce.
Milk. It's pasteurized before you see it.
"Whom, sweetheart?" "Mike the mailman." "Mike the mailman? But he could be your father!" "But mom, age is just a number." "Sweetheart, I don't think you understood."
Sounds weird, dozen tit?
It's a beautiful and very thoughtful experience, but I think they misunderstood me when I said I wanna watch.
I was crossing the street when I suddenly noticed my ex getting run over by a bus. I thought to myself, “Wow! That could have been me!”
Then I remembered I can’t drive a bus 🙁