Apparently India knew you can’t quarantine stupid. Go figure
How does the moon cut its hair?
Eclipse it.
Bread is like the sun
it rises in the yeast, and sets in the waist
You should never buy Velcro
It’s a total ripoff
we’ll we’ll we’ll…
…if it isn’t autocorrect.
My daughter was involved in a peekaboo related injury
She’s currently in the I.C.U
Wife: “I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?”
Husband: “You have perfect eyesight.”
I saw a woman drop her purse in the high street this morning, so I quickly followed her.
As I was just about to tap her on the shoulder she started running for a bus. So I ran after her shouting, “You dropped your purse! You dropped your purse!” She didn’t hear me and proceeded to get onto the bus, so I got on the bus too. As I walked to the back of the bus I breathlessly said, “You dropped your purse on the floor outside outside McDonald’s. Thank you so much she said, Where is it? I said, I’ve just told you, on the floor outside McDonald’s.
How can ya tell a girl in Alabama is still a virgin ?
She can out run her brother.
Just want to let you know You all matter
Unless you multiply yourself by the spped of light squared then you Energy
My dad is a social distancing champion!!!
I havent seen him since 2005
How do you make Holy Water?
You boil the Hell out of it
My wife said last night “You treat our marriage like it’s some sort of game”
Which unfortunately cost her 12 points and a bonus chance
Stan lee
Its sad he died but at least he lived a marvelous life
If I throw jam into traffic
Is it now traffic jam
3d printers can print guns now!
Not impressed. Had a canon printer for years.
Did you hear about the guy who invented the shovel?
He just knew it would be groundbreaking.
It was getting crowded in Heaven one day, so Saint Peter decided for one day to only accept people who could make him laugh.
A man came walking up to the pearly gates and Saint Peter said to him: “Alright bud, you’re only getting in today if you can make me laugh, so why don’t you tell me about how you died” The man looked at Saint Peter and said “Oh man it was awful, I was absolutely SURE my wife was having an affair, so I left work early and came home to catch her in the act! When I got home, sure as shit there she was naked in bed! I looked all over the apartment but I couldn’t find the guy anywhere so I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and there he was! Hanging over the edge by his fingertips! I ran inside, grabbed a hammer, and started smacking his hands and fingers with it! He finally let go and fell down 25 stories but he landed in some bushes, so I ran inside and grabbed the refrigerator and heaved it over the balcony down on top of him, crushing him and killing him! But the strain and exertion from picking up the refrigerator gave me a heart attack and I died.” Saint Peter let out a faint chuckle, and since it was a crime of passion, he decided to let this poor soul in. Another man came walking up to the pearly gates and Saint Peter told this man the same thing, that in order to get in he had to make St. Peter laugh. The second guy told him about how he died. “Well St. Peter, it was awful, I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th story apartment when a flock of birds came out of nowhere and startled me! I fell over the railing but managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below me. All of a sudden, some maniac came outside and started hitting my hands with a hammer until I let go! Luckily, I landed in some bushes but then this guy dropped a freaking refrigerator on me!” Saint Peter chuckled again, let the second man into heaven, and decided he could really start to enjoy his job. A third man came walking up to the pearly gates. Saint Peter gave his speech to this third man and then told him: “Tell me about the day you died” “Oh man Saint Peter you’re never gonna believe this! Alright so picture this…I’m butt naked hiding in a refrigerator…”
Did you hear about what happened to the guy from the keyboard factory?
He was fired for not putting in enough Shifts.
I ordered a chicken and an egg on Amazon
I'll let you know.
Some nurses notice that when they give a comatose woman a sponge bath, her heart monitor starts beeping more when they wipe between her legs.
Out of ways to bring this woman out of her coma, the nurses decided to ask her husband if he would consider oral sex with his wife to see if that would help bring her out of her coma. He was initially hesitant, but they assured him that the curtains would be closed and no one would see. So, he decided that he would do it. The husband goes into the room, and the nurses gathered outside of the room with their eyes glued to the monitor, hoping something would come of it. Suddenly, the heart monitor flatlines. The nurses are shocked. The husband comes out of the room, and the nurses immediately ask him what happened. He responds, "I think she choked."
I am starting a charity to teach short people maths.
It's called making the little things count.
Early one morning a fat kid was sitting in an airport terminal eating a giant size candy bar.
An older man strolled by and saw the boy. He stopped abruptly and asked "Hey kid, do you think it's a good idea to be eating a giant candy bar for breakfast?" The boy replied "I don't know, but my grandpappy lived to be 102 years old." The old man said "I'm sure he did, but he didn't eat giant candy bars for breakfast did he" The boy shook his head "Nope. he just minded his own fucking business."
My sister got married the other day and now has 16 husbands….
Four richer, four poorer, four better and four worse…
Joke
I dreamed I was forced to eat a giant marshmallow. When I woke up, my pillow was gone.
LPT: If you have trouble remembering your password, find a picture of some running shoes and stare at it.
maybe it'll help jog your memory.
If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?
Ah, this one got me good 😀
Teaching my 3 month baby girl C++, wanna make sure she gets OOP by the time she talks.
https://ift.tt/32pWaG8
Why did the twin elephants have to leave the beach?
They only had a pair of trunks!
I asked my wife why she never tells me when she orgasms
She told me she doesn't want to bother me while I'm at work.