Apparently my snoring is so loud that
I scare everyone in the car I'm driving
I didn’t think orthopedic shoes would help
But I stand corrected.
My ex-girlfriend just told me she wants us to get back together again. MAN! I sure am LUCKY!
I mean, first I win the lottery and now THIS?!
Scientists have discovered that diarrhea is hereditary.
It runs in your jeans.
How do you measure how heavy a red hot chilli pepper is?
Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now!
I don’t understand all these jokes about mothers-in-law.
Mine is sweet, supportive, and a great influence on me and my wife. I can't say anything bad about her.
Jesus’ brother, James: Boss, my brother just died. I need the day off.
Boss: No problem. (3 days later) James: Boss, my brother is in town. I need the day off. Boss: Wait a second…
I asked a librarian if she had a book about Turtles.
She said hardback? I said yeah with a little head.
Two antennas fall in love and get married on a roof
The ceremony wasn’t much but the reception was amazing
My friends son asked me if I know how to speak lizard
I told him “I don’t. But i guana learn someday”
A slice of apple pie is $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas.
Those are the pie rates of the Caribbean
Son: What rhymes with orange?
Dad: No, it doesn’t
Yesterday, a beautiful girl asked me if I wanted to see a movie. She asked, “What would you like to see?”
I said, “You pick.” She said, “You pick.” I said, “I don’t care. You pick.” She said, “Sir, there are people behind you waiting to buy tickets.”
What’s the longest word in the dictionary?
Smiles. Because there’s a mile between the two S’s.
I got fired from my job as a taxi driver…
It turns out my customers didn't like it when I tried to go the extra mile…
What color is a window?
Well, the answer's pretty clear…
My door to door fruit delivery business failed terribly because of my horrible interpersonal skills.
I was driving people bananas.
If you regret your vote in 2016, don’t worry about it
Hindsight is 2020
My grandad killed 50 German pilots in WW2
He wasn't a very skilled mechanic.
My lesbian neighbors gave me a Rolex for my birthday.
I guess they misunderstood me when I said I wanna watch.
I used to date a girl with a lazy eye
Turns out she was seeing someone else.
If I’m offering you my seat, you fucking take it.
I don't need this "omg i cant drive a train" shit
A Bartender walks into a bar.
*Bart's life flashes before his eyes as he's mercilessly shot four times in the chest*
An engineer dies, and by some mistake he is sent to hell.
Satan was unsure of why the engineer was sent down there, but he might as well be of use. He commissioned the engineer to install AC, plumbing, various water features, and many other amenities that really started to turn hell into a pretty decent place. God, on the other hand, took notice of what was taking place and was furious. He demanded to speak with Satan. "Why do you have this man when he lived righteously and has a place in heaven?" God bellowed. "I don't know, but I'm keeping him," Satan snarkily replied. "You will hand him over now," God said ferociously, "or else I will sue you!" Satan smirked. "Where you gonna get a lawyer?"
When Noah reached land, he threw open the ark doors and said, “Go forth and multiply”.
When all the animals cleared out, only a pair of confused looking snakes remained. “Didn’t you hear me? Go forth and multiply!” Said Noah, annoyed. “We can’t” replied one of the snakes. “We’re adders”.
My wife says that she won’t let our newly born son have an insect surname.
But I'm quite Adam Ant about it.
What advice was given to a depressed car?
You have no more energy left to live, you just need try to fuel yourself.
Why is Peter Pan always flying?
He neverlands.
Did you hear about the actor that fell through the floor boards?
Don't worry, he was just going through a stage.
