Apparently my snoring is so loud that
I scare everyone in the car I'm driving
Old but gold
I didn’t think orthopedic shoes would help
But I stand corrected.
What the hell is this?
My ex-girlfriend just told me she wants us to get back together again. MAN! I sure am LUCKY!
I mean, first I win the lottery and now THIS?!
Scientists have discovered that diarrhea is hereditary.
It runs in your jeans.
How do you measure how heavy a red hot chilli pepper is?
Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now!
I don’t understand all these jokes about mothers-in-law.
Mine is sweet, supportive, and a great influence on me and my wife. I can't say anything bad about her.
Why are we like this
No Negativity, please!!!
Jesus’ brother, James: Boss, my brother just died. I need the day off.
Boss: No problem. (3 days later) James: Boss, my brother is in town. I need the day off. Boss: Wait a second…
I asked a librarian if she had a book about Turtles.
She said hardback? I said yeah with a little head.
He is got a point
The floors on this elevator in Ireland are properly indexed.
Two antennas fall in love and get married on a roof
The ceremony wasn’t much but the reception was amazing
Oh duck oh duck oh duck!
My friends son asked me if I know how to speak lizard
I told him “I don’t. But i guana learn someday”
Unpronounceable, sorry kid
A slice of apple pie is $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas.
Those are the pie rates of the Caribbean
As a programmer, do you always say what you exactly mean?
Phone Bad Book Good
Son: What rhymes with orange?
Dad: No, it doesn’t
Yesterday, a beautiful girl asked me if I wanted to see a movie. She asked, “What would you like to see?”
I said, “You pick.” She said, “You pick.” I said, “I don’t care. You pick.” She said, “Sir, there are people behind you waiting to buy tickets.”
My neural network:
Anybody want to tell Saint Donald he’s holding it upside-down?
What’s the longest word in the dictionary?
Smiles. Because there’s a mile between the two S’s.
I got fired from my job as a taxi driver…
It turns out my customers didn't like it when I tried to go the extra mile…
Literally bigbrain meme
What color is a window?
Well, the answer's pretty clear…
My door to door fruit delivery business failed terribly because of my horrible interpersonal skills.
I was driving people bananas.
If you regret your vote in 2016, don’t worry about it
Hindsight is 2020
H stands for Hate
I serve the atomic nucleus
My grandad killed 50 German pilots in WW2
He wasn't a very skilled mechanic.
C++ for me
My lesbian neighbors gave me a Rolex for my birthday.
I guess they misunderstood me when I said I wanna watch.
Happiness ..i cant express 🥺
That’s just wrong
I used to date a girl with a lazy eye
Turns out she was seeing someone else.
First one I’ve seen in the wild
If I’m offering you my seat, you fucking take it.
I don't need this "omg i cant drive a train" shit
Wish I had a scrum master like that
Keep it up!
A Bartender walks into a bar.
*Bart's life flashes before his eyes as he's mercilessly shot four times in the chest*
Well color me surprised /s
How you answer “??!!” ?
An engineer dies, and by some mistake he is sent to hell.
Satan was unsure of why the engineer was sent down there, but he might as well be of use. He commissioned the engineer to install AC, plumbing, various water features, and many other amenities that really started to turn hell into a pretty decent place. God, on the other hand, took notice of what was taking place and was furious. He demanded to speak with Satan. "Why do you have this man when he lived righteously and has a place in heaven?" God bellowed. "I don't know, but I'm keeping him," Satan snarkily replied. "You will hand him over now," God said ferociously, "or else I will sue you!" Satan smirked. "Where you gonna get a lawyer?"
America is in good hands.
When Noah reached land, he threw open the ark doors and said, “Go forth and multiply”.
When all the animals cleared out, only a pair of confused looking snakes remained. “Didn’t you hear me? Go forth and multiply!” Said Noah, annoyed. “We can’t” replied one of the snakes. “We’re adders”.
We are doomed
I missed Halloween by one day… still funny though
This seems to belong here
My wife says that she won’t let our newly born son have an insect surname.
But I'm quite Adam Ant about it.
What advice was given to a depressed car?
You have no more energy left to live, you just need try to fuel yourself.
Home Alone rat Marv
Why is Peter Pan always flying?
Wanna get away?
Did you hear about the actor that fell through the floor boards?
Don't worry, he was just going through a stage.
pin it on the dopamine