Apparently there is bi-partisan agreement in Congress that medicinal marijuana should be allowed for the purpose of relieving arthritis pain. In other words…
…there is joint support for joint support for joint support…
We should get all the ex-USSR states back together
Then we could have a Soviet re-Union
My buddy called me and asked what I was doing…
I replied, "Probably failing my driving test."
My Grandfather warned people the Titanic would sink
No one listened. But he kept on warning them nonetheless until they got sick of him and kicked him out the movie theatre
Big Cheese walks into a mouse trap
It was oddly sharp
How do you spot a blind man at a nudist beach?
It's not hard
They have been putting these up every day at work. This was the worst one so far
https://ift.tt/2VYOgkt
Why are penguins socially awkward?
Because they can't break the ice.
I can’t find my “Gone in 60 seconds” DVD
It was here a minute ago
Justice is best served cold.
Because if it were served warm, it would be justwater.
What is Whitney Houston’s favourite type of coordination?
HAANNDD EEYYEEEEEEEEEEE
What do you call a smart fart?
Asstoot.
I always keep a gun on my night stand in case of an intruder
so I can shoot myself instead of meeting new people
Mom, what’s dark humor?
Mom: Well son, you see that man over there with no arms? Go tell him to clap. Son: But, Mom! I'm blind! Mom: Exactly.
The girl at the Delta Airlines check-in desk said “Window or Aisle” ?
I replied "Window or you'll what ?"
Do you know where the first bovine astronauts landed?
The mooooooooon
What does it take to make an octopus laugh?
Ten tickles.
What’s E.T. short for?
Because he’s got little legs
My son took some exams to become a pirate
He kept getting high C's
Where is EA Sports headquarters located?
It’s in the game.
Why couldn’t the colour blind man sell ice cream?
His cones don’t work.
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7 and 9.
The odds were against me.
Mother in law dies
A guy goes on vacation in the Holy Land with his wife and mother-in-law. The mother-in-law dies. So the couple goes to an undertaker who explains that they can ship the body home, but it will cost over $5,000, whereas burying her in the Holy Land would cost only $150. “We’ll ship her home,” says the husband. The undertaker asks, “Are you sure? That’s an awfully big expense and we can do a very nice burial here.” The husband says, “Look, 2000 years ago they buried a guy here and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can’t take that chance.”
What did the left eye say to the right eye?
Between you and me, something smells.
I used to think I understood the Dunning-Kruger effect…
but the more I look into it, the less sure I am.
A new strain of lice is going around that is resistant to conventional treatments.
That has left scientists scratching their heads.
Which country has the fastest growing capital?
Ireland. It's Dublin every year.
What did Sushi A say to Sushi B?
Wasabi!
Studies say obesity is the main cause of erectile dysfunction
Time to get joggin’ ladies
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spices.
I'm not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
At a celebrity party, Stevie Wonder meets golf champ Tiger Woods and mentions that he, too, is an excellent golfer.
Tiger is a bit skeptical that the blind musician can play golf well, but he's too polite to say anything. "When I tee off, " the singer explains, "I have a guy call to me from the green. My sharp sense of hearing lets me aim." Tiger is impressed, and Stevie suggests that they play a round. When Tiger agrees, Stevie asks, "How about if we play for $10,000 a hole?" Tiger insists he couldn't possibly play him for money because of his sight handicap. But Stevie argues and badgers Tiger until Tiger finally relents. Stevie says, "You pick the place and I'll pick the time?" Tiger says, "Fine. Pebble Beach." Stevie replies, "Midnight!"
When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it…
The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate. When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards." He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening, "There's the Seventh… the Sixth… the Fifth…" Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate. He stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."
A woman who is 3 months pregnant falls into a deep coma. Six months later, she awakes and asks the doctor about her baby…
Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl, they are both fine. Luckily, your brother named them for you. Woman: Oh, no. Not my brother, he is an idiot! What did he name the girl? Doctor: Denise Woman: Not exactly my choice, but that isn't so bad. What did he name the boy? Doctor: Denephew.
Why does a chicken coop have 2 doors?
Because if it had 4 doors it would be a chicken sedan
A magician was asked what had happened to the lady he used to saw in half in his act …
“Oh, she’s retired,” he said. “Now she lives in Chicago—and Denver.” … (Credit: This comes from the “Random Thoughts” chapter at the end of “The Thomas Sowell Reader” – quite an interesting (and occasionally amusing) book.)
How do Japanese chihuahuas say hello?
Konnichihuahua
What’s the difference between mashed potatoes and pea soup?
Anyone can mash potatoes.
4 comrades go to a Soviet hotel for a night during a business trip…
As they walk into their room, 3 of them, whip out some vodka, food and cigarettes and begin to make jokes about the government and be very loud indeed. The 4th one is trying to get some meaningful sleep and knowing that it would be fruitless to ask them to stop, hatches an ingenious plan. He goes downstairs to reception and asks for a cup of coffee to be delivered to the room. "Make sure you deliver it exactly after 10 minutes starting from now" Returning back to the room he joins his comrades midway a Stalin joke. He sits up shocked and exclaims: "Comrades! You must not say these things! Don't you know? They are listening to our conversations right now!" The comrades jeer and laugh at him and say that that is impossible. "Really? Then how do you explain this?" He gets up and speaks into the lampshade by the beds. "I would like a black coffee to be delivered to my room, please." And surely enough, in a short amount of time, a maid walks in with a cup of coffee and some sugar. The other 3 comrades turn deathly pale and quickly turn in for the night. The last comrade drinks his coffee and peacefully goes to sleep. Come morning the 4th comrade awakens only to find that his friends and all their belongings are missing. Throughly confused and anxious, the man walks down the stairs to reception to enquire whether his friends had checked out earlier in the morning. "I am afraid not sir. You see, the KGB raided your room during the night and placed your friends under arrest for ridiculing the Soviet regime." "B-but how come they didn't take me?!" "Oh, the Captain very much enjoyed your joke" (translated from Russian)
Cole’s Law
Dad: “Have you hear of Murphy’s Law?” Unsuspecting Victim: “Yes” Dad: “Have you heard of Cole’s Law?” Unsuspecting Victim: “No” Dad: “It is thinly sliced cabbage”
Wife: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
Me: sipping toast Why?
“Do you wanna hear a ghost joke?”
"DAD, please don…." "That's the spirit."