Apparently there’s a beef shortage on the rise.
Good news is fast food restaurants shouldn’t be affected.
I had to put my foot down today.
My wife told me to stop acting like a flamingo
Just spent $300 on a limousine and discovered the fee doesn’t include a driver
Can't believe I spent all that money and have nothing to chauffeur it
A bad workman always blames his fools…
Tools!! I meant tools!! Stupid keyboard…
What is Pac-Man’s favorite cooking utensil?
A wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok…
My paper towels went missing.
So I had to hire a bounty hunter.
As a child, I always thought of my dad as a superhero…
The Invisible man!
A sweet, little old lady walks into a bar frequented by the baddest biker gang around.
She walks up to the leader, a real mountain of a man, and say she wants to join. He can barely contain his laughter, and decides to have some fun with her before he tells her off. "Do you even own a bike?" he asks. "I do. It's parked right outside." "Do you swear?" "More than a fucking sailor." She says. "Do you drink?" "Like a fish." The leader is surprisingly impressed, and asks one more question. "Well, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?" The old lady thinks for a minute, and then says "No, but I've been swung around by the nipples before."
How do you say ‘what’s up dawg ‘ in Japanese
Konichihuahua
As an American, I see a lot of jokes here saying that America is the dumbest country.
It's ridiculous and unfair. Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country.
Studies show that 4 out of 5 men suffer from diarrhea at some point in their life.
Why are 1 out of 5 men enjoying it?
I only know 25 letters of the alphabet
I can never understand y.
I want to hear 99 people sing “Africa” by Toto…
…It's something that a hundred men or more could never do
If you only believe in 12.5% of the bible
You're an eighth theist
I completed another lap around the Sun, but I only get half a minute to celebrate today.
It's my thirty-second birthday. Edit: Wow. Down voted on my actual 32nd birthday. So cruel.
I broke 2 fingers on my right hand today
On the other hand everything is OK. Happy Fathers Day everybody
A sheep, a drum and a snake fell down a cliff
Bah-dum tssssssss
Donald Trump dies and goes to hell
In 50 years, he comes to the devil and says: "I know I'm going to spend an eternity here. I would like to ask you for a favor. I miss my country, I miss the United States. Can I go back to Washington DC for 15 minutes? I will go to the nearest bar, drink some beer and have a little chat with the bartender. Then I will return to stay here forever." The devil says "Okay, but I will change your body for the time you are there. Nobody would know or believe you are actually Donald Trump". "That's even better!" says the president. And the next moment POOF! He appears next to a bar. He walks in, orders a mug of beer and starts talking to the bartender: "I have been in a coma for quite a long time. I don't know what's going on in the world. How is our country doing?" "Can't be better!" says the bartender happily. "We are the mightiest nation in the world, we no longer have ANY external threats! All political issues have been resolved! Every country is either our loyal ally or is completely controlled by our government!" "Wait a second" – Trump can't believe his ears – "What about Syria, Iraq, Afghanistan?" -Everything is ours now! We have conquered them! -Then what about Ukraine? -It's also controlled by our government now! -I can't believe this! What about Mexico? China? Turkey? The bartender takes a globe from under the desk, spins it around and says proudly: "The whole world belongs to us. I mean it! Every single country!" Donald Trump is completely shocked. He says in amazement: "I am speechless. I didn't ever think it was possible by any means. Thank you very much. Anyways, I got to go now. How much for the beer?" "350₽, comrade!"
Police have arrested the world tongue twister champion…
…they say he will be given a tough sentence
Recently, i’ve tried to make a car without wheels.
I’ve been working on it tirelessly.
My Aunt who spends hours on Candy Crush on her Kindle thought this was hilarious.
https://ift.tt/2HaGbSP
What do you call a fat psychic?
A four-chin teller.
What’s Forrest Gump’s Wi-Fi password?
1Forrest1 Edit: Thanks for the Silver Award
A friend of mine said…
…that he had made the world’s flattest, blandest dough. To that I responded, “Prove it then!”
Went to the zoo yesterday with my family and saw a baguette in a cage
The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity
Old MacDonald is up to something. He types out his song “E-I-E-I-o.”
I just can't trust a guy with shift-E-I's.
I have a fear of overly complicated buildings
I have a complex complex complex
I think I had my first dad joke moment
I was driving my daughter (10F) to her dance class. Although we have taken this route countless times before and she never said a word about it before, she did this time and said as she was looking out the window while driving by a particular area, "Why would anyone build a daycare next to a cemetery?" Without thought, I said "I don't know, but I bet their neighbors are quiet" There was a second or two pause and then she said "Daaaaaaad." My chest puffed up with pride for several miles as I thought I had just crossed the line into Dad Jokedom!
Security professionals advise to never use ‘beef stew’ as a password
It isn’t stroganoff
People in Athens hate getting up early
…because Dawn is tough on Greece.
Have you tried German sausages?
They're the wurst
Hi, I’m Buzz Aldrin. Second person to step on the moon.
Neil before me.
What do you call a sketchy Italian Neighborhood?
The Spaghetto
Why did the cargo ship carrying vegetables sink?
It had too many leeks.