Apparently they don’t like the taste of their own medicine
I asked my daughter why her electrician boyfriend didn’t show up for their date.
No shock: He was grounded
What do you call a nervous javelin thrower?
Shakespeare
I bought some sneakers from my drug dealer
I’m not sure what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
The President and his closest allies are involved in a terrible plane crash, and are left clinging to debris in the middle of the stormy sea.
As time passes, their arms grow weaker, and the squall grows stronger, until the waves threaten to swallow them up. Suddenly, an army helicopter appears overhead, and a Soldier on board lowers a rope to pull the President up. As soon as the head of government is brought in, the Soldier turns to him and says, "Sir, unfortunately, this is a very small helicopter, and we only have room for one more person. Who should we rescue?" The President peers over the edge of the chopper, at his closest allies down below. Among them are the Secretary of State, the Chief of Staff, and the National Security Adviser. By now, they are on the verge of being overwhelmed by the stormy sea, and whoever is left behind will certainly drown before more help arrives. He looks from one face to the next, before finally shaking his head in resignation, unable to choose who to save. "I'm too tired, son. Do what you think is best for the Nation." "Sir, yes sir!" The Soldier gives a sharp salute, before pushing the President back into the raging ocean and flying away.
Thank you, student loans, for helping me get through college.
I don't think I can ever repay you.
Carrots may be good for your eyes…
But whiskey will double your vision.
I usually wear 2 pairs of pants when I go golfing
Last time I got a hole in one
Where did Noah keep the bees on his Ark?
The Ark hives.
I love the smell of my f5 key…
It is very refreshing
I’ve been secretly injecting soap into my balls to see if I can jizz bubbles.
It's time for me to come clean.
Doctor: Your brain fell out after your accident, but we managed to put it back in
Me: Thanks for reminding me
The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple, but with extremely limited memory. Just one byte. And then everything crashed.
My friend asked if I wanted to play Yahtzee.
I said "no dice."
Did you know crocodiles could grow up to 15 feet?
But most just have 4.
I was having sex with my friend’s wife, the phone rang. I heard it was her husband and I quickly started to get dressed.
She told me not to worry. He was out drinking with me…
I know a lot of jokes about unemployed people,
but none of them work
Whats the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with boob implants?
One is a crusty bus station the other is a busty crustacean
“Some say Jesus drove a Honda, but didn’t like to talk about it”
"For I did not speak of my own Accord…" – John 12:49
My wife just admitted to me that she broke my favorite lamp.
I don’t think I’ll be able to look at her in the same light ever again.
What do you call a hippie’s wife?
Mississippi
Why doesn’t the Pope like trigonometry?
It has a lot of sin
I am suspicious that my wife is secretly adding glue to my weapons collection.
She denies it, but I’m sticking to my guns.
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!" The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him." He said, "Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"
So I was driving uber tonight and I picked up a girl from the dorms at a college. She sat in the front and we were chatting when suddenly she sneezed
Now. I didn't realize it while talking, but she had a glass eye, and when she sneezed her glass eye came flying out at me. I caught it, handed it back to her and she popped it in and said thank you. I didn't know what else to say… So, we rode in silence for the rest of the trip until we got to the pub. When we arrived at the bar, she turned and asked if she could have my number. I was flattered because she was so pretty, but I told her I was happily engaged. She smiled at me and said, "That's a shame, you really caught my eye."
I bought a handgun from a T-Rex..
…because he is a small arms dealer!
CDC: “No handshakes”
Jeffrey Dahmer: shuts off blender “Aww…”
Batman walks into a room which alfred is ìn, late at night.
"Alfred could you fill up the bathtub please" batman said after entering the room. Alfred replied with, "what's a htub sir?"
My kid asked me, “Dad, what are condoms used for?”
I said, “Usually to avoid answering questions like these.”
Knock Knock
"Who is there?" "Grandma!" "Grandma wh-, HOLY SHIT STOP THE FUNERAL!"
I bought my son a refrigerator for his birthday.
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
What do you call a dog on a U-boat?
A subwoofer.
A man’s wife accuses him of “testiculating”
"What the hell is testiculating?" the man asks. Looking both irritated and impatient, his wife responds, "It's when a man is talking bollocks!" The man considers this for a moment. "Tell me something," he finally says. "Are you on your period?" "Yes," his wife answers. "Why?" The man nods. "I thought so. You're ovaryacting."
A Mexican kid meets Donald Trump and says to him
“I want to be President one day.” Trump says, “Are you stupid? Are you an idiot? Out of your mind? Are you retarded?” The kid replies, “You know what, I’ve changed my mind. Those are too many requirements.”
Thought those of us with loved ones in the US military might appreciate this.
https://ift.tt/2tr79Sq
I saw Arnold Schwarzenegger eating a chocolate egg.
I said to him, “I bet I know what your favorite Christian festival is.” He said, “Have to love Easter, baby.”
After an amazing 69 with his girlfriend, Kevin remembered he had a dentist appointment.
He was afraid that the dentist would smell pussy on his breath so he brushed his teeth 7 times and on top of that 2 liters of mouthwash. As he arrived at the dentist he chewed 5 strong mints too. The dentist told him to take a seat. Feeling confident & relaxed he opened his mouth wide. The dentist got close enough & said, "Man did you have a 69 before you came here?" Kevin, shocked says, "Why, No! Does my breath smell like pussy?" The dentist says, "No, but your forehead smells like ass!"