My grandma told me this one
An American, Irishman and Japanese man are sitting naked in a sauna. Suddenly, something started beeping rapidly. The American pressed his forearm and the beeping stopped. He explained: that was my pager. I have a microchip installed in under my skin. A few minutes later, a telephone rang. The Japanese lifted his palm to his ear and answered. When he finished, he explained that he has a microchip installed in the palm of my hand. The Irishman, feeling very low tech, came up with a brilliant idea as to not be outdone. He left the sauna to go the bathroom, and came back with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his arse. The two men raise their eyebrows at him, and he says: “Will you look at that! I’m getting a fax.”
“Poor old fool.” thought the well-dressed gentleman as he watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub. So he invited the old man inside for a drink. As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman thought he’d humor the old man and asked, “So how many have you caught today?”
The old man replied, “You’re the eighth.”
So I farted in an Apple store and everyone got mad
I said too bad they don't have windows
Wife: I’m pregnant.
Husband: Hi pregnant, I'm dad. Wife: No you're not.
My country has so many thieves who try to steal the cat. So i have to do this =3=
https://ift.tt/2Yt7DTW
TIL: If your canoe turns upside down in the water, you can wear it on your head.
Because it’s capsized.
My wife said, “You act like a detective too much, I want to split up.”
"Good idea!" I replied. "We can cover more ground that way!"
I can list every single number that’s in Pi.
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, and 0.
What has four wheels and flies?
A garbage truck
I can eat sugar with either hand…
I'm ambidextrose!
Did you hear about the butcher that sat on his meat grinder?
He got a little behind in his work.
The Government in Egypt has asked the city’s taxi drivers to drive around Cairo sounding their car horns…
It is hoped that the familiar sounds of the city will induce a return to tranquillity and normality following the recent pandemic. Operation Toot 'n Calm 'Em will last for the rest of the week.
What’s the best thing about fingering a gypsy on her period
You get your palm red for free
What did the pirate say on his 80th bday
AYE MATEY
Guy at a grocery store: Are those genetically modified eggplants?
Store worker: Why do you ask? Eggplant: Yeah, why do you ask?
A year ago when I joined Reddit I threw a boomerang to celebrate
I now live in constant fear
I saw a sign that said “Rest area 25 miles”…
I thought,wow, that's pretty big
A man driving past a farmer tilling his land says “excuse me sir, my cat lost it’s tail and I noticed you have some cattails over there”…
Confused, the farmer says “Yeah?…” “Can I take one, please?” The man asks politely. “Suuuure…” the farmer says, rolling his eyes. The man comes back, a real cat’s tail in hand, says “Thank you, sir!” and carries on down the road as the farmer looked on in disbelief. The next day the man returns. “Your cat lose it’s tail again?” the farmer laughs. “No, sir. My wife needs a cup of milk for baking and I noticed that you have some milkweed back there. May I have some?” The farmer is even more confused this time but plays along. To the farmer’s surprise, the man comes back with a bucket of milk, says “Thank you” and carries on down the road. The very next day the same man pulls up to the farmer: “Excuse me, sir. I couldn’t help but notice that you have some pussy willows back…” “WAIT A MINUTE!!!” The farmer shouts. “Let me grab my gloves, I’m comin’ with ya.”
What do you call a snake building its own home?
A boa constructor
Is an entire TV show a valid “boomer humor” submission? Because this show is awful.
https://ift.tt/2XamZh8
If a child refuses to sleep during nap time …
Are they guilty of resisting a rest?
I knew i recognized live-action Firelord Ozai from somewhere
I knew i recognized live-action Firelord Ozai from somewhere
I for one, like Roman numerals
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A Kung Fu student asks his teacher, “Master, why does my ability not improve? I’m always defeated.” And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers…
"My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun and their wings seeming like flames?" "Yes, my master, I have." "And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?" "Yes, my master, I have witnessed it." "And the moon, when it touches the calm water to reflect all its enormous beauty?" "Yes, my master, I have also seen this marvelous phenomenon." "That is the problem. You keep watching all this stuff instead of training."
Why did the sun not go to college?
He already has a million degrees
A man goes to a funeral and asks the widow: Mind if I say a word?” She says: “Please do.” The man clears his throat and says: “Bargain.”
The widow replies: "Thanks, that means a great deal."
Internet Memes and Mental Health – A Study [16+]
This is a study looking into the effect of internet memes on the individual. Participants will be asked to answer a series of questionnaires. This should take no longer than 30 minutes. Further information can be found in the information sheet. https://chester.onlinesurveys.ac.uk/memes4dalolz
My nephew does well in marathons but poorly in the 100 yard dash…
He's better off in the long run.
What does a turtle do on their birthday?
They shellabrate
After God created 24 hours of alternating darkness and light, one of the angels asked him, “what are you going to do now?”
God said, "I think I'm going to call it a day."
The police asked me to identify what they thought was my girlfriends body.
They pulled the sheet back to show her blond hair, blue eyes and pretty face. "I can't be certain." I said. The sheet went down to reveal her creamy white breast and perky nipples. "Sorry, I'm still not sure." They took the sheet completely off. I stared at the pale body and shaved pussy, "That's definitely not her". "Are you sure?" "Yes positive, my girlfriends black."
How does moses make his coffee
Hebrews it
A good mom let’s you lick the batter off the mixer.
A great mom turns off the mixer first.
My wife told me she loves her new white board we put up…
I said "I do think it's rather re-markable."
Why did the blind girl fall into the well?
She couldn’t see that well
A man’s wife accuses him of “testiculating”
"What the hell is testiculating?" the man asks. Looking both irritated and impatient, his wife responds, "It's when a man is talking bollocks!" The man considers this for a moment. "Tell me something," he finally says. "Are you on your period?" "Yes," his wife answers. "Why?" The man nods. "I thought so. You're ovaryacting."