Apparently this is the world we live in now…
I got hit in the head with a can of soda yesterday.
Luckily for me, it was a soft drink.
A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and was burned out.
Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying, “I don’t want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?” “The instructor said, “During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark.” After a pause, the instructor added, “I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I’ve never seen done in my entire career.”
Today I got complaints about my dog chasing people on a bike
I immediately took away his bike
It’s always communism. Everything that they don’t like is always somehow communism.
https://ift.tt/3aQ6Gt8
Just got back from a job interview, where I was asked if can perform under pressure…
I said I wasn’t too sure about that but I do a wicked Bohemian Rhapsody…
Male anatomy isn’t the same as female anatomy.
In fact, there’s a Vas Deferens.
3 unwritten rules of life:
1. 2. 3.
I rarely put orange slices in my beer.
Once in a Blue Moon.
You know why vaccinated children are more likely to have autism?
They live past the age of three
My wife just gave birth today and after thanking the doctor, I pulled him aside and sheepishly asked, “How soon do you think we’ll be able to have sex?”
He winked at me and said, "I'm off duty in ten minutes – meet me in the car park."
What did the authorities do when Barbie’s boyfriend was involved in a serious car accident?
They contacted his next of Ken. That's a damn good joke. I'm proud of that joke.
I knew an autistic baker who could make a loaf of bread in any shape.
He had special kneads.
When God closes a door, He opens a window.
My point is, this church needs a better fire evacuation system.
I bought my girlfriend a fridge for her birthday
I know its not the greatest gift, but you should've seen her face light up when she opened it.
![A moth-are-f*cking picture :]](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/02/cjj32myzyoh41-400x227.jpg)
A very loud, grossly over-weight, and very unattractive woman walked into Walmart with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
The Wal-Mart Greeter says, "Good morning, and welcome to Walmart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?" The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no! They ain't no twins! Oldest one's nine, and the fat one's seven. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?" In a very pleasant tone, the greeter responded, "I'm neither blind nor stupid. I just couldn't believe that you got laid twice."
Sherlock Holmes and John Watson go on a camping trip
Sherlock Holmes and John Watson go on a camping trip. In the middle of the night, Sherlock wakes up John and says, "Watson, what do you see when you look up at the sky?" Watson looks up and says, "I see millions of stars." Sherlock says, "Well, what can you deduce from that?" After a moment's thought, Watson says, "Since there are so many stars,logically some of them must have planets orbiting them. And if some of those stars have planets, logically some must be able to support life. And if some could support life, logically some must. Therefore, I deduce that we are not alone in the universe. What do you think?" Sherlock says, "No, Watson, you idiot, it means somebody stole our tent."
Successful Dad joke I just pulled off on wife. Full groan and everything
Wife: why do dad's have the worst jokes? Me: It's a rule, dads have to have cringy jokes Wife: Who makes those rules? Me: The Dad Poet Society Wife: groan
Could you imagine the alphabet without the letter B?
It's easy, if you make B leave.
Grandma’s been staring through the window ever since it started to snow.
If it gets any worse I'll have to let her in.
Whats the difference between running in front of a car and running after a car?
When you run after the car, you get exhausted. If you run in front of it, you'll get tired.
It’s easy to get along with meteorites.
They're really down to Earth.
Once upon a time a Mexican magician performed in a magic show.
He counted: “Uno…” “Dos…” And disappeared without a trace.
What Thog say to man
Thog don’t care
Last weekend I went to a dog zoo with my kids.
They only had one dog. It was a Shih Tzu.
What did the mod say to the redditor?
[removed]
I burned 400 calories this morning.
My Pop Tarts got stuck in the toaster.
What do we want?
Hearing aids! When do we want them! Hearing aids!
[NSFW] Why did the eunuch’s wife leave him?
Honestly, he couldn't give a fuck.
What did the old tile roof say to the new tile roof?
Repairs will be futile.
People always told me my dyslexia would hold me back and I’d never be any good at poetry.
But they couldn't be more wrong. So far I've made two jugs and a vase.
Why are women and children evacuated first in a disaster?
So we can think about a solution in silence.
If my name was Travis, I would get a tee shirt and put my name across the chest.
It would be a travesty.
One man’s trash is another man’s treasure.
Wonderful saying, horrible way to find out you were adopted.
