Apparently this is the world we live in now…
Luckily for me, it was a soft drink.
Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying, “I don’t want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?” “The instructor said, “During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark.” After a pause, the instructor added, “I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I’ve never seen done in my entire career.”
I immediately took away his bike
I said I wasn’t too sure about that but I do a wicked Bohemian Rhapsody…
In fact, there’s a Vas Deferens.
1. 2. 3.
Once in a Blue Moon.
They live past the age of three
My wife just gave birth today and after thanking the doctor, I pulled him aside and sheepishly asked, “How soon do you think we’ll be able to have sex?”
He winked at me and said, "I'm off duty in ten minutes – meet me in the car park."
They contacted his next of Ken. That's a damn good joke. I'm proud of that joke.
He had special kneads.
My point is, this church needs a better fire evacuation system.
I know its not the greatest gift, but you should've seen her face light up when she opened it.
A very loud, grossly over-weight, and very unattractive woman walked into Walmart with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
The Wal-Mart Greeter says, "Good morning, and welcome to Walmart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?" The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no! They ain't no twins! Oldest one's nine, and the fat one's seven. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?" In a very pleasant tone, the greeter responded, "I'm neither blind nor stupid. I just couldn't believe that you got laid twice."
Sherlock Holmes and John Watson go on a camping trip. In the middle of the night, Sherlock wakes up John and says, "Watson, what do you see when you look up at the sky?" Watson looks up and says, "I see millions of stars." Sherlock says, "Well, what can you deduce from that?" After a moment's thought, Watson says, "Since there are so many stars,logically some of them must have planets orbiting them. And if some of those stars have planets, logically some must be able to support life. And if some could support life, logically some must. Therefore, I deduce that we are not alone in the universe. What do you think?" Sherlock says, "No, Watson, you idiot, it means somebody stole our tent."
Wife: why do dad's have the worst jokes? Me: It's a rule, dads have to have cringy jokes Wife: Who makes those rules? Me: The Dad Poet Society Wife: groan
It's easy, if you make B leave.
If it gets any worse I'll have to let her in.
When you run after the car, you get exhausted. If you run in front of it, you'll get tired.
They're really down to Earth.
He counted: “Uno…” “Dos…” And disappeared without a trace.
Thog don’t care
They only had one dog. It was a Shih Tzu.
My Pop Tarts got stuck in the toaster.
Hearing aids! When do we want them! Hearing aids!
Honestly, he couldn't give a fuck.
Repairs will be futile.
But they couldn't be more wrong. So far I've made two jugs and a vase.
So we can think about a solution in silence.
It would be a travesty.
Wonderful saying, horrible way to find out you were adopted.