Apparently this is the world we live in now…
A man goes into the doctor.
He says, "Doc, you gotta check my leg. Something's wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you'll hear it!" The doctor cautiously placed his ear to the man's thigh only to hear, "Gimme 20 bucks, I really need 20 bucks." "I've never seen or heard anything like this before, how long has this been going on?" the doctor asked. "That's nothing Doc. put your ear to my knee." The doctor put his ear to the man's knee and heard it say, "Man, I really need 10 dollars, just lend me 10 bucks!!" "Sir, I really don't know what to tell you. I've never seen anything like this." The doctor was dumbfounded. "Wait Doc, that's not it. There's more, just put your ear up to my ankle," the man urged him. The doctor did as the man said and was blown away to hear his ankle plead, "Please, I just need 5 dollars. Lend me 5 bucks please if you will." "I have no idea what to tell you," the doctor said. "There's nothing about it in my books," he said as he frantically searched all his medical reference books. "I can make a well educated guess though. Based on life and all my previous experience I can tell you that your leg seems to be broke in three places."
What rock group has four guys that don’t sing?
Mt. Rushmore.
How do crazy people get through the woods?
They take the psycho path.
Flat earthers have nothing to fear
Except sphere itself.
I’ve developed a fetish for figuring things out.
I just came to that realization.
I believe that it is time for all the world’s countries to come together and create one universal currency
I mean it's just common cents
My computer crashed and I lost all the notes I’d saved for the book I’m working on called ‘1,001 cures for itches.’
I guess I'll have to start again from scratch.
what do you call an acid with an attitude?
A-mean-o-acid 😂.
Dad, are we pyromaniacs?
Yes, we arson.
The First French Fries Weren’t Cooked In France
they were cooked in grease
People always ask me how I sneak chocolate into the cinema.
Well… I’ve got a few twix up my sleeve.
Scientists have succeeded in growing human vocal chords in a Petri dish.
The results speak for themselves!
I made these propaganda posters to help clear up some of the administration’s messaging
https://ift.tt/2YcFsu4
What noise does a 747 make when it bounces?
Boeing, Boeing, Boeing
Told the guy in the computer shop that I wanted a hard drive.
He said I should try when it's icy on the roads.
Valerie
The madam opened the brothel door in Miami and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties. "May I help you sir?" she asked. The man replied, "I want to see Valerie." "Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else", said the madam. He replied, "No, I must see Valerie." Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $10,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left. The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive. "There are no discounts. The price is still $10,000." Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left. The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs. After their session, Valerie said to the man, "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" The man replied, "St. Louis." "Really," she said. "I have family in St. Louis." "I know," the man said. "Your sister died, and I am her attorney. She asked me to give you your $30,000 inheritance." The moral of this story is that three things in life are certain: 1. Death 2. Taxes 3. Being screwed by a lawyer
The best joke I can think of is quarantine.
If you don't get it, it's because it's an inside joke.
Which differential operator requires the strictest boundary conditions?
The Stern- Liouville operator
How do you make a water bed more bouncy?
Add spring water
How come the stadium got hot after the game?
Because all of the fans left.
Three bulls heard the rancher was bringing another bull onto the ranch.
First Bull: "I've been here five years. I'm not giving this new bull any of my 100 cows." Second Bull: "I've been here three years and have earned my right to 50 cows. I'm keeping all my cows." Third Bull: "I've only been here a year, and so far, you guys have only let me have 10 cows. I may not be as big as you fellows, but I'm keeping all 10 of my cows." Just then an 18-wheeler pulls up in the pasture carrying the biggest bull they've ever seen. At 4,700 pounds, each step he takes strains the steel ramp. First Bull: "I think I can spare a few cows for our new friend." Second Bull: "I actually have too many cows to take care of. I can spare a few. I'm certainly not looking for an argument." They look over at the third bull and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns and snorting. First Bull: "Son, don't be foolish — let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it." Third Bull: "Hell, he can have all my cows. I'm just making sure he knows I'm a bull."
My construction company failed after a competitor started a viscous rumor that I build houses without a foundation
It was a baseless accusation
I found a wallet…
I found a wallet and there was a fresh 100 dollar bill. I asked myself, what would have Jesus done? So I turned it into wine.
Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows trend?
I hear it’s making real headlines.
College Classes
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!' A smart-*** student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?' The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'
What’s green, has four legs, and is deadly when it jumps on you?
A billiards table
I switched out my bed for a trampoline
Let me tell you that my wife hit the roof when she found out.
I haven’t worked in over a year.
Don't tell my boss I said that.
What genre are national anthems?
Country
You can’t breathe through your nose when you’re smiling
Of course you can, I just wanted you to smile
My wife walked out on me after I blew our life savings on a penis extension.
She said she just can't take it any longer.