Apple Fans be like…
My wife walked out on me after I blew our life savings on a penis extension.
She said she just can't take it any longer.
I was once in a relationship with twins.
Whenever someone would ask me how can I tell the difference. l said it is very easy: Jennifer always painted her nails in red and George has a dick.
If you wanna fuck up the algorithm, do it the right way
If you wanna fuck up the algorithm, do it the right way
I think it is time to reconsider calling people ‘Karen’. It is rude…
We can all be Karen's in our own ways. I just realized I'm a computer Karen. Every time something is taking too long, or the slightest inconvenience happens, I immediately want to see the task manager. *sorry*
There’s quite a crowd at the lego store
They are lined up for blocks.
I went to a gender reveal party the other day
It was great, but I can’t work out why I was the only naked person there.
I have a fear of overly complicated buildings
I have a complex complex complex
If I ever opened a car repair shop, I would call it “Auto-Correct”.
Then I'd paint the floor with those red squiggly lines…
I got fined $50 for sneaking popcorn and a drink into the movie theater.
It's ok though, it still saved me money.
Two clowns were eating a cannibal
One turns to the other and asks “did I start the joke wrong?”
What if I lifted a pack of Coca-Cola over my head for twenty minutes a day every day?
That would be soda pressing.
Remember crying as a kid and your parents told you ‘I’ll give you something to cry about!’
and you expected a beating but instead they just ruined the housing market?
My friend keeps making up imaginary Middle Eastern countries..
I have to remind him what Israel.
My son is taking part in a social experiment.
He has to wear a support Trump. T.Shirt for 2 weeks. So far, he has been punched, spat at, kicked, and verbally abused. It will be interesting to see what happens when he leaves the house.
I broke my finger today
On the other hand, I’m ok
Knowing sign language could really come in handy.
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I feel bad for deep sea fish..
They have a lot of pressure on them.
A plane went down over the ocean, and three of the survivors end up stranded on a remote tropical island.
They don't get very far before a tribe of cannibals capture them and bring them back to their village as prisoners. One of the men says "Please don't eat us! We'll do anything!". The cannibal's chief decides to have a bit of fun with them and says "Oh? Well then, go into the forest and come back with 10 pieces of the same fruit." So the men break off and search for fruit. First one comes back with a 10 apples. The chief says "If you can shove those up your ass without making a sound, we wont eat you." He barely fits the one before he whimpers in pain so the cannibals eat him. Now the second guy makes it back with a 10 cherries. Chief says "Like I told the last guy, if you can shove those up your ass without a sound, you can live." Its going pretty well, and the man has only a few left when he suddenly starts laughing uncontrollably, so they eat him. Now the spirits of the two dead men meet in heaven, and the first says "Man you were so close! Why would you start laughing?!?" The second guy responds "Because I saw the third guy coming back with pineapples!"
Why was Pavlov’s beard so soft?
Because he conditioned it.
An Englishman, German, French and Italian are standing at the side of a street watching a street performer.
The street performer noticed that they all have poor eye sight so he asked them whether they can see him and they responded: "Yes" "Oui" "Sì" "Ja"
Telltale Games will shut down…
Fans will remember that
See that? Thats my step ladder.
I never knew my real ladder.
I once saw Arnold Schwarzenegger eating a chocolate egg
I asked him: "I bet i could guess your favourite holiday" He Replied: "Have to love Easter, baby."
What did Santa say to Mrs. Claus when he saw a thunderstorm?
Looks like reindeer!!
A new Tesla doesn’t come with the new car smell…
It comes with an Elon Musk.
A Mexican magician said,
“I will disappear on the count of three! Uno…dos…” And he disappeared without a tres.
I accidentally lost my sex toy the other day.
It was a real pain in the ass finding it.
The Doctor asks the patient: “Does your head hurt?”
Patient: "Yes it does, doctor." Doctor: "Good, now are we vaccinating your child, or do I have to slap you again?"
Are slugs just snails that have gone through a divorce?
“Yep, she got the house”
Back in 1920’s…
…Mrs. Goldstein decided to leave NY for a vacation in Miami Beach. She decided to make a reservation at the Fountainebleu hotel (which at the time, infamously would not rent rooms to Jews or other minorities) She got to the front desk and signs her name in the ledger. The clerk looks at her signature and says, "Oh there must have been a mistake. You can't stay here." "What do you mean?" she answers confused. "Well, your last name is Goldstein. You can't stay here." To which he points to the sign saying 'No Jews' "Oh, you think I'm Jewish? I'm not Jewish." "Oh really? If that's the case, you can answer these questions…Who is our lord and savior?" "Why, Jesus, of course…" she answers without hesitation. "Uh huh. And where was he born?" the manager snidely asks. "In the city of Bethlehem, In a manger." "Uh huh. And why was he born in a manger?" "Because a schmuck like you wouldn't rent a room to a nice Jewish couple!"