Appropriate for all ages
ROMNEY DIDN’T KILL HIMSELF
Sorry, just practicing.
My friend said “What rhymes with orange.”
I said no it doesn't.
I don’t trust people who do acupuncture.
They’re all backstabbers
A wife asks her husband, “Honey, if I died, would you remarry?”
“After a considerable period of grieving, I guess I would. We all need companionship.” “If I died and you remarried,” the wife asks, “would she live in this house?” “We’ve spent a lot of money getting this house just the way we want it. I’m not going to get rid of my house. I guess she would.” “If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house,” the wife asks, “would she sleep in our bed?” “Well, the bed is brand new, and it cost us $2,000. It’s going to last along time, so I guess she would.” “If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house and slept in our bed, would she use my golf clubs?” “Oh, no,” the husband replies. "She's left-handed!" Edit: punchline is not is bold anymore
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France?
There was nothing left but de Brie.
Why is dark spelt with a k and not a c ?
Because you can’t C in the dark
What happens when someone steals uranium?
It becomes theiranium.
Do you want to know where I store all my dad jokes?
A dad-a-base
I asked a girl to rate me out of 10 the other day
She said "you're an 8 on a scale of 10" I still don't understand why she wanted me to urinate on a skeleton
Stuck in their apartment with their kid during the COVID quarantine, the Smith’s are desperate to fuck…
So they send little Johnny out on the balcony with a popsicle and a notebook with the directions to log what all the neighbors are up to during the quarantine. After they finished with their twenty minute alone time, Mr. Smith lets Johnny back in from the balcony. ”So, Johnny, what did you find out?” Johnny looks at his notebook: Well, Christopher is practicing his saxophone. The Jones family started a garden on their balcony… The Golds are busy repainting their apartment… And, Mr. and Mrs. Brown are busy fucking.” ”What?! How do you know the Browns were… uh… making love?” Mr. Smith asks. Johnny answers: “Well, because, my friend George Brown was out on his balcony with a popsicle and a notebook!”
Have you heard about the guy who made a bomb out of a brain?
It was pretty mindblowing.
Just got my ticket to the Fibonacci convention!
I hear this year is going to be as big as the last 2 put together.
My girlfriend keeps accusing me of being a cheater
She's starting to sound like my wife
I’ll never forget my granddad’s last words to me just before he died…
“Are you still holding the ladder!?”
Did you hear about the baby strawberry?
It’s parents were in a jam.
The wife and I decided we don’t want children.
We're telling them tomorrow.
A cowboy sees a bunch of American Indians on the horizon and thinks: ”I’m fucked…”, but a voice in the back of his head says: ”Not so fast! Kill the chief!!!”
''What?! Why?'' – thinks the cowboy. ''Just kill the chief!'' – says the voice. The cowboy hesitated a bit more and than drew his gun and shot the chief. As the chief was falling from his horse the voice in the cowboy's head said: ''Now you're fucked…''
You don’t want me to treat you to a bespoke outfit from my tailor?
Fine, suit yourself.
Wife: Honey, I’m pregnant.
Husband: Hi Pregnant, I'm Dad. Wife: No you're not.
The doctor told me I’m colorblind
Yeah. It really came out of the purple.
What do you call an alligator in a vest?
An investigator
My uncle told me that he sells vaccuum cleaners.
His business sucks but its picking up.
A Muslim guy just walked into my store and bought a bunch of fog machines. So I called the cops.
He must belong to an extreme mist organization.
What side of a chicken has the most feathers?
The outside.
Do mom jokes count?
Mom: Guess who I saw today! Me: who? Mom: Everyone I looked at!
How does music say goodbye
Audios
I used to bang a set of twins…
People always asked how I could tell them apart. I said it's easy, Mary always paints her nails purple and George has a cock.
Why did the blind man fall in the well?
Because he couldn't see that well
Where does the cynic go to pray ?
The Cynicgogue
A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that says “make my horse laugh and win $500”
So the guy has a couple drinks and asks about the sign. Bartender says the horse is in the back. So the guy goes back there and pretty soon the horse is laughing uproariously. Guy collects his $500 and leaves. When he comes back next week, the sign has been replaced by one that says “make my horse stop laughing and win $500”. So the guy once again goes to the back and pretty soon the laughter is replaced by sobbing. The bartender says I’ll give you the $500 but you have to tell me how you did it. So the guy explains that the first week he told the horse “my dick is bigger than yours”. The bartender asks “so what did you tell him just now?” “Nothing, I proved it”.
I have come up with a strategy to keep my kids from misbehaving around Christmas time. I keep empty wrapped boxes under the tree and when one of my kids misbehaves, I throw one in the fireplace
The situation changes however, when I run out of children
My family is tired of me telling dad jokes during quarantine.
I replied “what’s wrong? you don’t like inside jokes?”
I used to work at a calendar factory
But I got fired for taking a couple of days off.
What’s Irish and stays outside all year long?
Paddy O'Furniture
I love telling dad jokes, but I don’t have any kids.
I guess that makes me a faux pa.
A girl killed a butterfly [Slightly NSFW]
Her father became mad and said "No butter for you" Later, the girl killed a honeybee, her father again became mad and said "No honey for you" The girl later killed a cockroach. Her father said "Nice try, this is Alabama" (Sorry, English is not my first language)