Appropriately found in my grandmas camera roll
and she asked “Dad, why don’t you just use a sponge?”
Its fucking FROZEN!
She replied, “Yes, it is and don’t call me Shirley!” I guess I left my phone in Airplane mode again…
Pick on someone your own size.
I keep it scattered on beaches all over…
Tonight I took my son to hockey practice and realized my wife forgot to pack his jersey from the dryer.
She told me she had everything, and I was in a rush. So it got left behind. Figured it out right away as we were getting him changed and messaged my wife. She said she would bring it right away. I told my son "You mom is going to run your jersey over" Without skipping a beat, he replied "Well that won't work, practice will probably be over. I wish she would just drive it over" Then he gave me a huge grin. I told him he won the dad joke of the day and he continued smiling all the way until bedtime.
An international school teacher asks a question: “What’s your own opinion on food scarcity in other countries?”
An African student: What's food? A European student: What's scarcity? An American student: What are 'other countries'? A Chinese student: What's 'my own opinion'?
You live like this?
Start in England and drive West.
You open windows.
but then it grew on me
It will come back to me.
Or should I spread them apart?
You press the button and six floors come down.
and I asked if they were gay. They arrested me.
One’s a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.
but none of them work.
"I had an affair with a woman… almost." The priest says, "What do you mean, almost?" The man says, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped." The priest says, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say 5 Hail Marys and put $50 in the poor box." The man leaves the confessional, says his prayers, then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then starts to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly runs over to him saying, "I saw that, you didn't put any money in the poor box!" The man replies, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and apparently that's the same as putting it in."
They are both way bigger than me and there are two of them. It's not fair.
“Son”… “how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
But the reception was incredible!
I’m not going to spread it!
They don’t have the guts.
I'll make lots of female friends, gain their trust and become their confidant, and when they least expect it…… BAMM!! !! !! … I'll fuck their boyfriends
“Shit I can’t go home like this my wife will kill me” The bartender sees this and says “put a $20 bill in you pocket and when she sees the puke tell her some drunk puked on you and gave you $20 for dry cleaning”. So the guy goes home and his wife sees the puke on his shirt and asks what happened, to which he replies “a drunk guy puked on me and he gave me $20 to pay for dry cleaning”. To which his wife says “Ok well then why do you have $40 in your hand?” “Because he also shit in my pants.”
Because she kept running away from the ball.
In fact, she’d wipe the floor with them.