April 13th, 2020 Presidential Campaign Rally Masquerading as a COVID-19 Task Force Briefing
An unpaid internship is nothing like actual slavery
Slaves are given food and housing.
I went to the doctor and he said i was going deaf.
It's been 3 weeks and I have not heard from him since.
Iโd never let my children watch the orchestra.
There is too much sax and violins in it
I got my wife a prosthetic leg for Christmas…
Itโs not her main present, just a stocking filler
How do you tell between a boy ant and a girl ant?
Drop it in water. If it sinks, it's a girl ant. If it floats, it's boyant
The three guys at an interview joke just posted here reminded me of another version we used to tell about 20 years ago.. is it a repost? I don’t know, probably yes, but does anyone really care ;) ?
Three guys interviewing to be a detective. The final step is with the chief inspector who says, "Ahh, so you wanna be detectives, eh? The first skill you need is perception, let's see how you guys do with that" He calls them into his office one by one. The first guy goes in and is shown a picture of a recently captured criminal. Tattooed face, large scar, he's quite recognisable. The inspector says, "Take a close look, and I want you to memorize and remember all the features that will help you identify this man in a crowd" After a minute, the man is done. The Inspector turns the picture over and says, "Well, go on, describe him to me" The man responds, "Well it wouldn't be hard to find this guy, given that he has only one ear". The inspector stares blankly, turns the picture over and says, "What sort of a moron are you? This is a side profile of the man.. don't tell me you thought… ugh, get out and stop wasting my time!" The second guy is called in and given the same challenge. After his minute he says, "Well, I couldn't really focus on much other than the fact that he has only one eye" Visibly frustrated, the inspector bellows, "What is wrong with you people, do you not know what a side profile is?! Get out, and call the last guy in!!" The last guy comes in and is given the same challenge. The inspector adds, "You know what, take 5 minutes.. and think carefully before you answer" 5 minutes later, the young man turns the picture over himself and says, "You know, I'll bet he wears contact lenses" The inspector scrunches his eyebrows and then squints at the young man in silence for a few moments. Not wanting to potentially get embarrassed, he excuses himself to go check the man's criminal profile. 2 minutes later, he steps back in. A pleased but puzzles look on his face, he says, "Well, yes.. yes he does wear contacts lenses. How could you tell?" Visibly delighted with himself, the young man beams back with a smile, "Oh, it took a while to think of it, but there's no way he could wear regular glasses with only one eye and one ear"
(My dad literally just told me this joke) A friend of mine just bought a hand gun from a t-rex.
Heโs a small arms dealer.
Why did Princess Peach choke?
Because Mario came down the wrong pipe.
There were 3 moles living in a hole…
One day, they wake up to the smell of pancakes cooking. The first mole sticks his head out of the hole and says "I smell pancakes!" The second mole sticks his head out of the hole and says "I smell syrup!" The last mole tries to stick his head out of the hole, but gets stuck behind the other two, so he said "All I smell is molasses."
I can speak time
It's my second language
A guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.
He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. "What's up?" he says. "I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman. He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says,"Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!" The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor. โYou rotten bastard," says the husband,"my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids!!!โ
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.
Itโs an extremely rare dish order.
I got into a car accident with a little person.
He got out and said, "I'm not happy!" So I asked, "Well, which one are you, then?"
Not typical young people or wife bashing, but i felt like this was a pretty boomer joke
https://ift.tt/2ZPoEb4
“Also the whole company depends on this project working smoothly, so no pressure!”
https://ift.tt/36Y4ApK
Where did the hacker go?
I donโt know he ransomware.
3 gay sailors
Sailor: Captain! Captain! Captain: Yes Sailor? Sailor: I think we have 3 gay sailors on board! Captain: How would you even know that? Sailor: Well I sucked Jimmy's dick and it tasted like shit.
I bumped into an old school friend today.
He started showing off, talking about his well paid job and expensive sports car. Then he pulled out a photo of his wife and said, "She's beautiful, isn't she?" I said, "If you think she's gorgeous, you should see my girlfriend." He said, "Why? Is she a stunner?" I said, "No, she's a fucking optician.โ
My Grandma was talking about the good old days and said โin my day we could leave the door unlocked and not worry about it!โ and โwe grew up with nothing but we were happyโ…
I replied โWell Grandma, I hate to break it to you, but you grew up with nothing because you kept leaving the front door unlocked!โ
As a doctor, I hate making jokes about an unvaccinated child.
But Iโm thinking of giving it a shot.
If you pronounce “fuck off” backwards.
you say it in a British accent.
How do you tell the difference between someone from Dubai and someone from Abu Dhabi?
People from Dubai don't like the Flintstones. People from Abu Dhabi do.
Why does Waldo wear stripes
Because he doesn't want to be spotted
My ex girlfriend used to have sex with fruit whenever she got stressed
When we broke up she went fucking bananas
I asked my wife if I was the only one she’s been with.
She said, "Yes, the others were at least sevens or eights".
I always carry a stone with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in October.
I call it my jingle bell rock.
Of all my body parts, my fingers are the most reliable.
I can always count on them.
The US is to surpass China and Italy in the coming week for most COVID-19 cases in the world
https://ift.tt/2UFKRq3
I don’t hate bread
I loaf it ๐
An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines.
He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog. The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?" The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my Little Fifi is using that seat?" The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired." The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant." The soldier didn"t say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier. An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your automobiles on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window."