Are we surprised it’s from r/memes?
Clearly did a good job, because I didn't care
Mount Everest. It just hadn't been discovered yet. (compliments of my 8 year old)
Last week a friend of mine was wearing a condom, when the women’s husband came home and shot him dead
To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.
I have a hunch, it might be me.
I’m still waiting for my adult super-vision to kick in
It's Pretty Nuts.
But China got it right off the bat.
Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer? He couldn't see himself doing it.
I thought to myself “these should be free of charge”.
Because they’re really good at it
"Five beers please."
“All those getting off, go on fuck off, and all those gettin on fucking hurry up” The woman smacks his bum and sends him upstairs till he’s learned his lesson. 2 hours later the boy comes back down, says sorry to his mum and carries on playing, Mum listens in: ”all those departing thank you for travelling with us and have a good day! All those boarding, mind the gap and have a safe journey!…And all those who are upset by the 2 hour delay, blame the fat cunt in the kitchen!
She still isn’t talking to me
A plasma gun
An undercover cop.
I almost went on Monday, I almost went on Tuesday, I almost went on Wednesday, I almost went on Thursday, I almost went on Friday, I almost went on Saturday and I almost went on Sunday.
… so that’s odd.
He’ll be born in March.
My brother took going to jail really badly. He refused all offers of food and drink, spat and swore at anyone who came near him and smeared the walls with his own faeces. After that, we never played Monopoly again.
A young cowboy from Montana goes off to college. Half way through the semester, having foolishly squandered all his money …. he calls home. "Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here in University that will teach our dog, Ole' Blue how to talk!" "That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ole' Blue in that program?" "Just send him down here with $1,000" the young cowboy says "and I'll get him in the course." So, his father sends the dog and $1,000. About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home. "So how's Ole' Blue doing son?" his father asks. "Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this — they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!" "Read!?" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?" "Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." The money promptly arrives. But the young lad has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog. When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited. "Where's Ole' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!" "Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ole' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does". "Then Ole' Blue turned to me and asked, so, is your daddy still messing around with that little redhead who lives down the street?" The father went white and exclaimed, "I hope you shot that lying dog before he talks to your Mother!" "I sure did, Dad!" "That's my boy!"
… and says to the bartender “I’ll take a whiskey coke please.” The bartender says “no worries I have just the thing.” And sets an apple on the counter. The man, baffled, asks “what the hell is this, I wanted a whiskey coke.” The bartender says “take a bite.” The man takes a bite of the apple “wow this tastes just like whiskey!” Bartender “Turn it around.” The man turns the apple around and takes another bite, he exclaims “wow this tastes just like coke! I’m gonna eat these all night!” A little while later a 2nd man walks up to the bar and asks for a gin and tonic. The bartender says “no worries I have just the thing.” And sets an apple on the counter. The 2nd man says “what is this? I don’t want an apple!” The bartender tells him to take a bite. He does and then exclaims “wow this tastes just like gin!” Bartender says “turn it around.” The man turns it around and is amazed that it tastes like tonic water. “Wow I’m going to eat these all night!” Finally, a while later a 3rd man walks into the bar visibly drunk. The bartender asks what he would like to drink. The 3rd man says “Man I don’t want a drink, all I really want is to eat some pussy.” The bartender says “Oh don’t worry I have just the thing.” And sets an apple on the counter. The 3rd man extremely confused says “what is this for?” The bartender says “Take a bite.” The 3rd man takes a big bite of the apple, makes a horrified face and yells “WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS! IT TASTES LIKE SHIT!!!” The bartender, along with the two men at the bar say in unison “Turn it around.”
Why didn’t Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough? Because a cold never bothered her anyway! ~ My youngest son thought of that all by himself!
He's a 38-year-old lawyer in Nebraska…
He said, “This book is lit.”
Lincoln. Cause he was in a cent.
A Mexican magician said that he could disappear on the count of three. He started counting, “Uno, Dos…”
But then he disappeared without a Tres….
When it turns in-to a driveway