Are we surprised it’s from r/memes?
Yesterday I robbed the oversized board game store
It was a huge Risk that I was willing to take
Two Boys One Tampon
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter. The pharmacist at the counter asked the older boy, 'Son, how old are you?' 'Eight', the boy replied. The man continued, 'Do you know what these are used for?' The boy replied, 'Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four." "Oh, really?" the pharmacist replied with a grin. "Yes." the boy said. "We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do none of those."
Why couldn’t the carpenter and the lumberjack get along
They saw things differently
WARNING!! They said you only have to wear masks and gloves to go grocery shopping but they LIED!
Apparently you have to wear clothes too.
Having children is a lot like making pancakes
The first one is always a bit weird, but you can always just eat it when no one is looking.
I’m ok with cigarettes, alcohol, and even marijuana.
But cocaine is where I draw the line.
Cosmetic surgery used to be something that people would be embarrassed to speak about
Now you can talk about Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.
I’m sure Trump will explain everything to Lindsey and it’ll all be fine in a couple days.
https://ift.tt/2IGWeZw
[Serious] Just a reminder to be careful when telling jokes that may be offensive.
A few days ago I was talking to some friends, and friends of those friends, at a bar. I decided to break the ice with the new friends with a few jokes, most of which went down very well…until I decided to tell a few more offensive ones…and picked the worst possible one to start with. Here's the joke I told: "What do you do if you see an epileptic having a fit in the bath? Throw your washing (laundry if you're American) in." One of the new friends instantly became enraged and swung for me. When I asked him what the hell his problem was he replied that his younger brother was epileptic and died in the bath many years ago. Obviously I felt mortified as I didn't know about it, and said "I'm so sorry to hear that. Did he drown?" "No," replied the guy. "He choked on a sock."
Three girls all had boyfriends with the same name, so in order to avoid confusion, they decided to give the boys nicknames.
The first girl said: "I call my man 7-Up." "Why do you call him that?" asked her friends. "Because he’s seven inches long and is always up." The second girl said: "I call my man Mountain Dew." "Why do you call him that?" said the other two. "Because he likes to mount me and do me!" The third girl said: "I call my man Jack Daniels." The others look at her in bewilderment and say: "Why do you call your man that? Jack Daniels is a hard liquor." "Exactly."
My wife said to me that if I got her another stupid gift this Christmas, she would burn it…
So I bought her a candle…
I tried making a joke about broke people.
It ended poorly.
I proposed to my ex-wife
But she said no. She believes I’m just after my money.
So I hear they are going to start using bio diesel made from herbs for trains…..
….maybe ours will now run on Thyme.
Why does the Swedish Navy have bar codes on their ship?
So when they come back to port they can Scandinavian.
I snacked on fire ants and now I have heart burn!
Guess I should take an antacid….
I told a girl she drew her eyebrows too high.
She seemed surprised.
Did you hear about the scarecrow who got a promotion?
He was out standing in his field.
Did you hear about the soldier who drank on the job?
He got tanked
Chocolate pie costs $1 in Jamaica and $1.25 in Aruba
Those are the pie rates of the Caribbean
The word ‘Diputseromneve’ may look ridiculous,
But backwards it’s even more stupid.
As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop,he sees a $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: “5 lamb chops, please.”
As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop,he sees a $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "5 lamb chops, please." Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth,and quickly closes the shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus-stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus. The butcher follows, dumbstruck. As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. After awhile he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" bell, then the butcher follows him off. The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the step. He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door. He does this again and again. No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door. A big guy opens it and starts cursing and shouting at the dog. The butcher runs up and screams at the guy: "What the hell are you doing? This dog's a genius!" The owner responds, "Genius, my ass……… It's the second time this week he's forgotten his keys!
What’s the worst part of working for the department of unemployment?
When you get fired, you still have to show up the next day.
A family at the dinner table
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”
Do you know why the U.S. Navy always keeps at least two canaries on board each of their submarines?
Because everyone knows that if you have a big sub you also need a good set of tweeters.
Four Catholic Men and a Catholic Woman Were Having Coffee in St. Peter’s Square.
Four Catholic Men and a Catholic Woman Were Having Coffee in St. Peter's Square. The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'". The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'". The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'". The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'". Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well…."? She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38D – 24 – 36 When she walks into a room people say, "Jeeeeeeeeeesssssssuuussss!"
My uncle’s zodiac sign was Cancer, which was ironic, because he died
from being crushed by a giant crab.
My favorite sex position is called “WOW”…
It’s when I flip your MOM over.
I’m moving to Greenwich in a couple months.
Don't know what I'm going to do in the mean time…
Europe is like a fridge
You have the freezing cold part at the top Then in the middle, you have cheese, cold meat, and a good drinks selection Then down the bottom corner, there's just turkey and grease
A pretty blonde walks into a bar and asks the handsome fellow at the bar what he’s drinking…
He says, "Magic beer. You want one?" "Aw, that's stupid. There's no such thing" she says. "Look, I'll show you". He takes a big swig and proceeds to throw himself out of a nearby window, where he proceeds to fly up and around the building, and back into bar window. "That's incredible! I don't believe it!" she says. "Hey barkeep, throw me another one o' them Magic Beers". The bartender shakes his head and pours another beer and slides it down the bar. The man chugs about half of it and proceeds to leap out the window and circle the building again. "Here, you try it" he says to the blonde. She takes a big draw on the glass, jumps out of the window, and falls about 30 feet to the ground – breaking both her legs – and begins screaming in pain. The bartender says, "Superman, you're a real bastard when you're drunk."
I’m frightened of elevators
I’m taking steps to avoid them now
My girlfriend poked me in the eyes…
…so I stopped seeing her for a little while.
Doctor: Your brain fell out after your accident, but we managed to put it back in
Me: Thanks for reminding me
I was working out my calves at the gym today.
The instructor said, "How the hell did you bring the cows here?"