Are you a capitalist?
i've only got my shelf to blame….
To my horror, I saw her kill a butterfly. To teach her a lesson, I said, "Just for that you don't get any butter for a month." Today in the kitchen, she killed a cockroach. I said, "Nice try."
Because they have no body to go with…
That's their words, not mine.
I have a phone, a laptop and a few chairs
… on the other hand, I'm okay.
He said, “Christmas stalking.”
Me: Dang, 68? Can you make that number a little cooler so I can hear the judge saying it out loud? Cop: Sure whatever [Later in traffic court] Judge: How were you going 420 in a 55?
His Law Suit.
I recently overheard two chess enthusiasts in a hotel lobby. They were bragging about their previous victories
They were chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.
My wife just gave birth today and after thanking the doctor, I pulled him aside and sheepishly asked, “How soon do you think we’ll be able to have sex?”
He winked at me and said, "I'm off duty in ten minutes – meet me in the car park."
Son to mother: "Mom, all the kids in the school are making fun of me because I am still a virgin." Mother: "Well, start giving them bad grades and they will stop."
So he could pickup his Master's degree.
I guess the two of us aren’t going to work out
It’s an extremely rare dish order.
God goes to Saint Peter and says "Pete there are too many people in heaven. I never expected this, so we need to add a new rule. The rule is that in order to get in you need to have had a really bad day the day you died. Got it?" "Yes Sir" Peter replied. With that God left and Peter called the first soul forward. "New rule mate. You have to tell me what your last day on Earth was like." Soul 1 says "Well it was not good i tell ya. I had long suspected that my wife was cheating on me. So i decided that i would leave work early to go back to my appartment on the 20th floor and catch her. When i got in the house i found my wife alone naked in bed, surprised to see me. So i start searching the house and couldnt find anyone. I was about to give up when i saw some finger tips on my balcony and sure enogh there was a man hanging there. So with out so much as a houd ya do i stomped on his fingers and down he went. Unfortunately he survived because some trees broke his fall so i grabed the closest heavy thing i saw, which happened to be my fridge, and threw it off the balcony. BAM got him dead on. I laughed so hard i had a heart attack and died." Peter though 'well he died laughing but he did find his wife cheating so i guess it was bad' so he let him through. Before he could consider the fact that he had just let a murderer into heaven another soul came forward. "Wait a minute mate. New rules, what was the day like the day you died?" Soul 2 said "It wasnt good sir. I was practicing yoga on my 21st floor balcony when i suddenly sliped over the balcony. Luckily i caught hold of the balcony below mine. Then, out of nowhere, this phyco comes storming out and stamps on my fingers. I fell but lived and as i was recuperating from my trauma i look up to see a fridge falling on me. Then i died" Peter at this point is laughing his arse off but waves soul 2 through. He then calls "Next!!" and soul 3 comes forward. Peter says "New rules, what was the day like the day you died?" Soul 3 says "Well picture this. Im naked in a fridge…"
It was a shitzu.
I call it the remorse code
The bartender asks "How the hell did you do that ?"
…but the cashier always keeps putting it back!
Because you should have three square meals a day!
He was disqualified.
I said, “Floors are beneath me.”
Moses. He could control sea.
A young alter boy walks in on a priest masturbating, confused he asks the priest "what are you doing father?" The priest replies "don't worry my son it's natural, you will be doing it soon" "but why father?" the alter boy returns The priest exclaims "because my arm is getting tired!"
Outlaws are wanted.
Knock, knock. Who's there? Spell. Spell who? Okay, W-H-O.
It would be a pain in the ass
It just goes from bad to worse…
They go too far above your head.
For protection against being called a boomer, you can now designate your generation via a user flair.
Stay safe out there.Addition sub changes:Ability to report common repostsAbility to report NSFW posts that need to be marked NSFW
He was a danger to himself and udders.
One got a-salted.
Twelve individuals have been attacked in the last 48 hours. The Police have announced that the attacker could be following some kind of pattern
Should have cooked it at aloha temperature